Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
After Narcissistic Abuse Link
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 678737" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thanks Insane Copa and Cedar, I will have to review the article more thoroughly, I quickly ran through it and missed the chart. It fits in with my thoughts when driving that we all have a bit of narcissism, it is a survival thing. Healthy narcissism, what a concept. It may seem like an oxymoron, but really not, because we all need to have a level of self esteem that carries us through life.</p><p></p><p>Forgive me, but this article has stirred up all sorts of stuff, and especially stuff about FOO. Not just my FOO, but the forum itself. I think I will be writing and thinking about this periodically throughout the day.</p><p></p><p>This is what I was thinking about this morning, before I even glanced over the thread. FOO.</p><p>I know from the work here in FOO that it was okay and maybe even necessary and essential for me to examine my family system. In fact, I had always had this feeling that things were just not right, that I felt very uncomfortable in my home growing up.</p><p></p><p>Then I felt something must be wrong with....me.</p><p></p><p>I was always told that I was " too sensitive" "that was so long ago....get over it", but "it" kept lurking in my mind. I knew from my family's reaction that anything I addressed with them would not be well received.</p><p>So I stuffed it down. Okay, I did write a poem here and there but that was received with awkward silence, rolling eyes and sideward glances. Ahem.</p><p></p><p>"It" came rearing its ugly head, as the drama and chaos of my two built, and I had those familiar old feelings of dread with being at home. When the moment came where I figured out the insanity of having my d cs at home and realized they would not be coming back, anger subsided to this emptiness that touched a rawness that sent me back to <em>very old feelings </em>bubbling up to the surface.</p><p></p><p>It was like a collision of two time zones.</p><p></p><p>I am thankful for this opportunity to review and sort out things here on FOO. It has been very cathartic and helpful in the healing process with dealing with the pure horror of having my beloved children engage in such abhorrent destructive behavior.</p><p>Somehow, the deep hurt of that became intertwined with past issues.</p><p></p><p>You know what it was, it was a <em>feelings earthquake</em>, that's it, the trauma of dealing with the kids just caused this catastrophic seismic activity in my heart and mind that revealed and dredged stuff up that I had buried for so long.</p><p></p><p>I think that because I could not do anything about what the kids were doing, I was left to delve into that stuff.</p><p></p><p>I became a feelings archeologist. Then, coming upon this site and FOO forum was like a feelings archeologist coffe hour and darn it, you guys are all so undeniably fascinating and real, I jumped in.</p><p>I took the plane to Egypt and started searching through De Nile........Oh boy, sorry this is turning into a book..........</p><p>I have written some very private things here and<em> truth be told, would not want my FOO to read them</em>. These are not things I would tell them, because I know they would not understand, or want to hear it.</p><p>Okay gang, forgive me, I am rambling here. But I have to say too, that I am obviously affected by our dear friends experience and recent post. I would be mortified if my FOO read my deepest thoughts here, it would be hurtful for my sister, which is not my intention.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to figure out what makes me tick, make some sense out of all of this and how I can better myself. If in the process I dredge up memories and write how I felt, then and now, then those are <em>my</em> feelings and <em>my</em> perception. <em>My</em> story, <em>my</em> truth. It may look entirely different to others in my FOO, because they are not.......me.</p><p>This work is hard enough alone........</p><p>Oh drat, to Serenity and family, please do not be offended by this. I honor your words Serenity and am glad that you have reconciled things. I love my sibs, but dang there are some things that have been super hurtful that I need to get out of my system......I am sure my sis has plenty to say of me, all in all we are human, <em>people</em> just trying to live our lives, some of us under very difficult circumstances.</p><p></p><p>I have written to others that CD Is like a journal that answers back, and it is. Anonymity affords us an ability to share some pretty deep raw, personal emotions. These are feelings that we wouldn't necessarily share with others that know us.</p><p>That is why we are here. So I will write this now.</p><p></p><p>I am thankful for this section of CD. New members post and I see bits here and there with their writing that they have also had difficult childhoods. I think FOO work is really, really important. If we are going to build ourselves up to face the reality and pain of what our kids are doing, and we have issues that are unresolved with our past, I think it makes for a shaky foundation.</p><p></p><p>I love my FOO. But dammit, there were some very sad, horrible moments in my childhood that I wish I could redo. But I can't.</p><p></p><p>So I feel them. Yup, I <em>feel</em> my <em>feelings</em>. You knew why? Because I wasn't allow to feel them in the past. I was always supposed to suck it up and move on.</p><p>Does this make me a person that dwells on the past. I do not think so. I wasn't ever really able to explore this stuff before. It is kind of forbidden territory, if you know what I mean.</p><p></p><p>Okay, then there is the whole component of my off the rails kids dredging up their past and blaming me for their problems. Is it the same? I don't think so. The goal is very different. Their goal is to find a reason to continue bad behaviors, my goal is to discover, to retrace, to grow from what I am learning.</p><p></p><p>So here goes. My sis was and is a very strong willed domineering person. I can be strong in some respects, but for the most part am very sensitive.infact, I ordered the book "Highly Sensitive People" because I want to explore this more. I am wondering if this mixture of sis being dominant and my being sensitive was and is a sort of Molotov cocktail. In other words, did my reaction continue to fuel her young fire to dominate and control? I don't know. All I know is what I have experienced and that feeling in the pit of my gut that I need to figure this out. I need to address things that for doing went unaddressed. I don't want to be stuck there. I love my family. I know we all have an opportunity to change and grow. </p><p>But I do know that I want to examine this further and it is important for my growth. </p><p>Okay guys I am on my phone and my fat fingers pressed post on accident so it is post or delete. I am taking a leap of faith and posting. I hope I have not offended anyone.</p><p>Thank you all for the work you have done and paving the way. </p><p>To my family if anyone ever reads this.....I love you guys to the moon and back but I went through some pretty heavy stuff that has been stuck with me for a long time. </p><p>I am reviewing for my sanity. </p><p>Forgive me</p><p>love</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 678737, member: 19522"] Thanks Insane Copa and Cedar, I will have to review the article more thoroughly, I quickly ran through it and missed the chart. It fits in with my thoughts when driving that we all have a bit of narcissism, it is a survival thing. Healthy narcissism, what a concept. It may seem like an oxymoron, but really not, because we all need to have a level of self esteem that carries us through life. Forgive me, but this article has stirred up all sorts of stuff, and especially stuff about FOO. Not just my FOO, but the forum itself. I think I will be writing and thinking about this periodically throughout the day. This is what I was thinking about this morning, before I even glanced over the thread. FOO. I know from the work here in FOO that it was okay and maybe even necessary and essential for me to examine my family system. In fact, I had always had this feeling that things were just not right, that I felt very uncomfortable in my home growing up. Then I felt something must be wrong with....me. I was always told that I was " too sensitive" "that was so long ago....get over it", but "it" kept lurking in my mind. I knew from my family's reaction that anything I addressed with them would not be well received. So I stuffed it down. Okay, I did write a poem here and there but that was received with awkward silence, rolling eyes and sideward glances. Ahem. "It" came rearing its ugly head, as the drama and chaos of my two built, and I had those familiar old feelings of dread with being at home. When the moment came where I figured out the insanity of having my d cs at home and realized they would not be coming back, anger subsided to this emptiness that touched a rawness that sent me back to [I]very old feelings [/I]bubbling up to the surface. It was like a collision of two time zones. I am thankful for this opportunity to review and sort out things here on FOO. It has been very cathartic and helpful in the healing process with dealing with the pure horror of having my beloved children engage in such abhorrent destructive behavior. Somehow, the deep hurt of that became intertwined with past issues. You know what it was, it was a [I]feelings earthquake[/I], that's it, the trauma of dealing with the kids just caused this catastrophic seismic activity in my heart and mind that revealed and dredged stuff up that I had buried for so long. I think that because I could not do anything about what the kids were doing, I was left to delve into that stuff. I became a feelings archeologist. Then, coming upon this site and FOO forum was like a feelings archeologist coffe hour and darn it, you guys are all so undeniably fascinating and real, I jumped in. I took the plane to Egypt and started searching through De Nile........Oh boy, sorry this is turning into a book.......... I have written some very private things here and[I] truth be told, would not want my FOO to read them[/I]. These are not things I would tell them, because I know they would not understand, or want to hear it. Okay gang, forgive me, I am rambling here. But I have to say too, that I am obviously affected by our dear friends experience and recent post. I would be mortified if my FOO read my deepest thoughts here, it would be hurtful for my sister, which is not my intention. I am trying to figure out what makes me tick, make some sense out of all of this and how I can better myself. If in the process I dredge up memories and write how I felt, then and now, then those are [I]my[/I] feelings and [I]my[/I] perception. [I]My[/I] story, [I]my[/I] truth. It may look entirely different to others in my FOO, because they are not.......me. This work is hard enough alone........ Oh drat, to Serenity and family, please do not be offended by this. I honor your words Serenity and am glad that you have reconciled things. I love my sibs, but dang there are some things that have been super hurtful that I need to get out of my system......I am sure my sis has plenty to say of me, all in all we are human, [I]people[/I] just trying to live our lives, some of us under very difficult circumstances. I have written to others that CD Is like a journal that answers back, and it is. Anonymity affords us an ability to share some pretty deep raw, personal emotions. These are feelings that we wouldn't necessarily share with others that know us. That is why we are here. So I will write this now. I am thankful for this section of CD. New members post and I see bits here and there with their writing that they have also had difficult childhoods. I think FOO work is really, really important. If we are going to build ourselves up to face the reality and pain of what our kids are doing, and we have issues that are unresolved with our past, I think it makes for a shaky foundation. I love my FOO. But dammit, there were some very sad, horrible moments in my childhood that I wish I could redo. But I can't. So I feel them. Yup, I [I]feel[/I] my [I]feelings[/I]. You knew why? Because I wasn't allow to feel them in the past. I was always supposed to suck it up and move on. Does this make me a person that dwells on the past. I do not think so. I wasn't ever really able to explore this stuff before. It is kind of forbidden territory, if you know what I mean. Okay, then there is the whole component of my off the rails kids dredging up their past and blaming me for their problems. Is it the same? I don't think so. The goal is very different. Their goal is to find a reason to continue bad behaviors, my goal is to discover, to retrace, to grow from what I am learning. So here goes. My sis was and is a very strong willed domineering person. I can be strong in some respects, but for the most part am very sensitive.infact, I ordered the book "Highly Sensitive People" because I want to explore this more. I am wondering if this mixture of sis being dominant and my being sensitive was and is a sort of Molotov cocktail. In other words, did my reaction continue to fuel her young fire to dominate and control? I don't know. All I know is what I have experienced and that feeling in the pit of my gut that I need to figure this out. I need to address things that for doing went unaddressed. I don't want to be stuck there. I love my family. I know we all have an opportunity to change and grow. But I do know that I want to examine this further and it is important for my growth. Okay guys I am on my phone and my fat fingers pressed post on accident so it is post or delete. I am taking a leap of faith and posting. I hope I have not offended anyone. Thank you all for the work you have done and paving the way. To my family if anyone ever reads this.....I love you guys to the moon and back but I went through some pretty heavy stuff that has been stuck with me for a long time. I am reviewing for my sanity. Forgive me love Leafy [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
After Narcissistic Abuse Link
Top