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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678740" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>The real victim of this, is the sister. Because they lose the opportunity to learn and change when the moderating emotions like guilt and shame, they project onto somebody else.</p><p></p><p>When you think about it, guilt and shame, a small dose of them, are self-protective and protective of others. Remember than book I bought by the psychiatrist I heard on NPR. I think the book was <u>Guilt, Shame and Anxiety</u>, or something like that. Was his name Peter Bremmer? I think so. His argument, at least initially, as I did not keep reading, was this: That these emotions are responsible for our species humanity, because these emotions keep us from killing our young, keep us bound to them, in our care, and keep older siblings from killing off younger ones.</p><p></p><p>Pretty important, no? All of these prohibitions, this control, this self-control, brought with them the opportunity to nurture one's young for a prolonged period of dependency in childhood, that itself led to our development as a species.</p><p></p><p>If you look at it this way: Our parents' lack of effective use of guilt, shame and anxiety about their parenting...which was blocked by their narcissism is what led to their unwillingness, or inability to check themselves when they parented poorly.</p><p></p><p>Because they projected all guilt and shame into us. And that is what has impaired our own sisters' self-development, too. The same thing. They too project their own guilt and shame, into us. Or try to. They are victims, of themselves. Because they are frozen in time.</p><p></p><p>That is why they try so hard to get us back under control. Because they need us defined as the guilty, shameful and mistaken one, in order to control their own anxiety. It is very, very sad for the sisters.</p><p></p><p>Really, less so, for us. Because recognizing what has happening, is happening, can free us. If we choose.</p><p></p><p>The sisters lack the incentive to try to see their lives differently. Because they have us. And they have frozen themselves into a rigid, stereotypical and dependent system. They are dependent upon us as receptacles of their noxious emotions.</p><p></p><p>Our choice is to accept them, or not. We can never make it different for them. That is the sadness.</p><p></p><p>Because I still believe we do have sadness and a sense of responsibility for leaving our sisters behind. Still. To which we are always vulnerable. And it was this that was triggered when our children hit the rocks. And we longed to crash ourselves, too, if that would have saved them. Thank Goodness, with each other, we tied our hands to the masts so that we could stay strong and firm.</p><p></p><p>Still I see it in each of us, that perverse desire to forfeit ourselves to save the sister, the illusion of the sister, the illusion of real family, the illusion of love. The siren song.</p><p></p><p>Even when we have built all of this in our own self-regard, and in our families of now. It is a very sad thing, to live as human beings.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678740, member: 18958"] The real victim of this, is the sister. Because they lose the opportunity to learn and change when the moderating emotions like guilt and shame, they project onto somebody else. When you think about it, guilt and shame, a small dose of them, are self-protective and protective of others. Remember than book I bought by the psychiatrist I heard on NPR. I think the book was [U]Guilt, Shame and Anxiety[/U], or something like that. Was his name Peter Bremmer? I think so. His argument, at least initially, as I did not keep reading, was this: That these emotions are responsible for our species humanity, because these emotions keep us from killing our young, keep us bound to them, in our care, and keep older siblings from killing off younger ones. Pretty important, no? All of these prohibitions, this control, this self-control, brought with them the opportunity to nurture one's young for a prolonged period of dependency in childhood, that itself led to our development as a species. If you look at it this way: Our parents' lack of effective use of guilt, shame and anxiety about their parenting...which was blocked by their narcissism is what led to their unwillingness, or inability to check themselves when they parented poorly. Because they projected all guilt and shame into us. And that is what has impaired our own sisters' self-development, too. The same thing. They too project their own guilt and shame, into us. Or try to. They are victims, of themselves. Because they are frozen in time. That is why they try so hard to get us back under control. Because they need us defined as the guilty, shameful and mistaken one, in order to control their own anxiety. It is very, very sad for the sisters. Really, less so, for us. Because recognizing what has happening, is happening, can free us. If we choose. The sisters lack the incentive to try to see their lives differently. Because they have us. And they have frozen themselves into a rigid, stereotypical and dependent system. They are dependent upon us as receptacles of their noxious emotions. Our choice is to accept them, or not. We can never make it different for them. That is the sadness. Because I still believe we do have sadness and a sense of responsibility for leaving our sisters behind. Still. To which we are always vulnerable. And it was this that was triggered when our children hit the rocks. And we longed to crash ourselves, too, if that would have saved them. Thank Goodness, with each other, we tied our hands to the masts so that we could stay strong and firm. Still I see it in each of us, that perverse desire to forfeit ourselves to save the sister, the illusion of the sister, the illusion of real family, the illusion of love. The siren song. Even when we have built all of this in our own self-regard, and in our families of now. It is a very sad thing, to live as human beings. COPA [/QUOTE]
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