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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 680055" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>It was partly that, Cedar but mostly that I was bullied constantly by my sibs. They hated that I was there with them and made me painfully aware of it, that is why I said I grew up as the third wheel. Sis would make up games and draw me in, I would let my guard down, play hesitatingly, then boom, it all turned on me. It wasn't hitting, it was all gaslighting. So goes the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." The words and actions did hurt.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, they hurt me again. It would be worse if I went to tell. Teasing and bullying. Daring me to do dangerous stuff, then denying it. I don't think I had the words to describe to my parents at that young age, what was going on. I think they viewed it as normal sibling rivalry, and<em> I was overreacting. </em>They didn't see the bullying and my sibs denied it. I felt confused. It was like living with the mean girls in high school, except it was my sister and brother.</p><p>I just had this memory....... of being made to go back outside, sis and bro were someplace else. I was on the swing, trying to calm myself. Mom and Dad were inside the house. I was swinging and singing, starting to feel better. Rocks. Rocks started flying at me. I didn't notice at first, then I heard the giggling. Then the teasing.</p><p>There was no escape for me. Even trying to self soothe, I was barraged. This is just one moment of many.</p><p>Where was I supposed to turn? I knew, if I went to tell, I wouldn't be heard.</p><p>If I cried, I would be scolded.</p><p>I took to running off and crying in the woods, softly in my room, so no one would hear. This turned to drawing and writing.</p><p>Even my writing wasn't safe, sis took my diary and read it to the neighborhood kids.</p><p> I think I will try this. I used to have a repetitive nightmare of circles and circles and circles going round and round. I think I will paint that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No, Cedar, you are not overstepping. I appreciate your thoughts. It is true, he hears things I am not saying.</p><p></p><p> We talked a little about it. He said " I am not stupid. It was like you were calling me stupid." I wasn't, wasn't even talking in a condescending tone. He has a plan to burn wood and branches down by the stream. I <em>gently </em>voiced some concern.</p><p>He didn't like it.</p><p>Well, 1) It is illegal and 2) The neighbors will get smoked out and call police.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> It was in the YouTube video I posted. I heard the song on the radio, a remake by Rufus Wainright of the Beatles song "Across the Universe" so I looked it up on Youtube. Did it not post on the thread? The song got to me, the slow guitar strumming and the soft quiet singing , the words.....when I saw the video it struck me, very surreal, the imagery of this little girl with her red balloon, seeking and bravely exploring.......I believe it was inspired by the film "The Red Balloon." Do you remember seeing that? I had to look it up, I remember bits of it......<a href="http://www.openculture.com/2012/06/the_classic_1956_oscar-winning_childrens_film_ithe_red_ballooni.html" target="_blank">http://www.openculture.com/2012/06/the_classic_1956_oscar-winning_childrens_film_ithe_red_ballooni.html</a></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> They hurt me, <em>a lot</em>. I felt that they hated me. They said and did hateful, hurtful things to me. One instance seems small, but it happened almost daily. I grew up feeling confused and mistreated, with no where to turn. But, Cedar, I was brave. I survived it and have done some good things with my life. I turned it around and worked to help others, children. It is time to turn it around again and look at it and understand that little girl. I can tell that little girl, yes what happened to you was wrong. Children and people make mistakes and can be mean and hateful. It is not you Leafy, it had nothing to do with you. It just is. Cry as much as you need to Leafy. Stay in your room and cry it out. Then, when you find your strength, go back out there and be you.</p><p></p><p>Yes she can, and she will. I cannot change the past, but I can learn and grow from it. Keep the good qualities I learned, compassion, fellow feeling, empathy, and throw away the garbage, you are too fat, weird, ugly, sensitive, a loser.</p><p></p><p> You know Cedar, I am afraid of heights...LOL. I understand though, what you are saying.</p><p></p><p> Thank you Cedar, I am redirecting the rivers to clear the stables.</p><p></p><p> You are funny, Cedar, I like them too. Yes, I do.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> We can do this, it is never too late.</p><p></p><p> Very good one Cedar.</p><p></p><p> Out they must and out they will. One day, one kinder step at a time.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar.</p><p></p><p>I am reposting the video, I hope you are able to view it. I keep watching it. </p><p>It is very comforting.</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]cAe1lVDbLf0[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>Off to be ready for work.</p><p></p><p>Peace</p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 680055, member: 19522"] It was partly that, Cedar but mostly that I was bullied constantly by my sibs. They hated that I was there with them and made me painfully aware of it, that is why I said I grew up as the third wheel. Sis would make up games and draw me in, I would let my guard down, play hesitatingly, then boom, it all turned on me. It wasn't hitting, it was all gaslighting. So goes the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." The words and actions did hurt. Yes, they hurt me again. It would be worse if I went to tell. Teasing and bullying. Daring me to do dangerous stuff, then denying it. I don't think I had the words to describe to my parents at that young age, what was going on. I think they viewed it as normal sibling rivalry, and[I] I was overreacting. [/I]They didn't see the bullying and my sibs denied it. I felt confused. It was like living with the mean girls in high school, except it was my sister and brother. I just had this memory....... of being made to go back outside, sis and bro were someplace else. I was on the swing, trying to calm myself. Mom and Dad were inside the house. I was swinging and singing, starting to feel better. Rocks. Rocks started flying at me. I didn't notice at first, then I heard the giggling. Then the teasing. There was no escape for me. Even trying to self soothe, I was barraged. This is just one moment of many. Where was I supposed to turn? I knew, if I went to tell, I wouldn't be heard. If I cried, I would be scolded. I took to running off and crying in the woods, softly in my room, so no one would hear. This turned to drawing and writing. Even my writing wasn't safe, sis took my diary and read it to the neighborhood kids. I think I will try this. I used to have a repetitive nightmare of circles and circles and circles going round and round. I think I will paint that. No, Cedar, you are not overstepping. I appreciate your thoughts. It is true, he hears things I am not saying. We talked a little about it. He said " I am not stupid. It was like you were calling me stupid." I wasn't, wasn't even talking in a condescending tone. He has a plan to burn wood and branches down by the stream. I [I]gently [/I]voiced some concern. He didn't like it. Well, 1) It is illegal and 2) The neighbors will get smoked out and call police. It was in the YouTube video I posted. I heard the song on the radio, a remake by Rufus Wainright of the Beatles song "Across the Universe" so I looked it up on Youtube. Did it not post on the thread? The song got to me, the slow guitar strumming and the soft quiet singing , the words.....when I saw the video it struck me, very surreal, the imagery of this little girl with her red balloon, seeking and bravely exploring.......I believe it was inspired by the film "The Red Balloon." Do you remember seeing that? I had to look it up, I remember bits of it......[URL]http://www.openculture.com/2012/06/the_classic_1956_oscar-winning_childrens_film_ithe_red_ballooni.html[/URL] They hurt me, [I]a lot[/I]. I felt that they hated me. They said and did hateful, hurtful things to me. One instance seems small, but it happened almost daily. I grew up feeling confused and mistreated, with no where to turn. But, Cedar, I was brave. I survived it and have done some good things with my life. I turned it around and worked to help others, children. It is time to turn it around again and look at it and understand that little girl. I can tell that little girl, yes what happened to you was wrong. Children and people make mistakes and can be mean and hateful. It is not you Leafy, it had nothing to do with you. It just is. Cry as much as you need to Leafy. Stay in your room and cry it out. Then, when you find your strength, go back out there and be you. Yes she can, and she will. I cannot change the past, but I can learn and grow from it. Keep the good qualities I learned, compassion, fellow feeling, empathy, and throw away the garbage, you are too fat, weird, ugly, sensitive, a loser. You know Cedar, I am afraid of heights...LOL. I understand though, what you are saying. Thank you Cedar, I am redirecting the rivers to clear the stables. You are funny, Cedar, I like them too. Yes, I do. We can do this, it is never too late. Very good one Cedar. Out they must and out they will. One day, one kinder step at a time. Thank you Cedar. I am reposting the video, I hope you are able to view it. I keep watching it. It is very comforting. [MEDIA=youtube]cAe1lVDbLf0[/MEDIA] Off to be ready for work. Peace leafy [/QUOTE]
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