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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 680115" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>cedar, the other girl was pretty, very intelligent with a great drive in her to be special and superior, but with no real understanding of or desire for achieving. just being thought of as better than. the mother in no way that I was ever aware of thought i was much at all except as a child laborer.</p><p></p><p>how i hate that i was for so long around this family. how degraded was i. i never saw my worth and struggle to do so now.</p><p></p><p>i was a very vulnerable, sweet and sensitive child that was overlooked by all except for teachers, occasionally. I think the mother was bitter and stuck. she was sarcastic and slovenly. my mother was elegant and hard-working and aspiring. In some ways i was a precious little flower with nobody. my lovely mother demanded all of the nutrients and light for herself.</p><p></p><p>i have stopped buying. i have realized pthat i bought not only to divert myself, to have bursts of pleasure but to compensate for and assauge a deep sense of valuelessness that had been revealed to me in the aftermath of my mother's dying.</p><p></p><p>I do not need to hear that I indeed do have value or that others see me as valuable. I know that. I write this looking for nothing. that starting from there, that place of empty truth I can begin again, to find treasure, to not buy it or seek it.</p><p></p><p>I called M this morning to confess this. I cannot write well on thi stupid tablet or otherwi</p><p>se I would have written it here.</p><p></p><p>He answered with a chuckle, well that's foolish to believe you can buy value. well, I am a fool. he chuckled again. fool has to be his favorite word. perhaps latins generally embrace the concept. I am thiking don quixote here and noting just how many words in spanish there are for this most human of concepts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 680115, member: 18958"] cedar, the other girl was pretty, very intelligent with a great drive in her to be special and superior, but with no real understanding of or desire for achieving. just being thought of as better than. the mother in no way that I was ever aware of thought i was much at all except as a child laborer. how i hate that i was for so long around this family. how degraded was i. i never saw my worth and struggle to do so now. i was a very vulnerable, sweet and sensitive child that was overlooked by all except for teachers, occasionally. I think the mother was bitter and stuck. she was sarcastic and slovenly. my mother was elegant and hard-working and aspiring. In some ways i was a precious little flower with nobody. my lovely mother demanded all of the nutrients and light for herself. i have stopped buying. i have realized pthat i bought not only to divert myself, to have bursts of pleasure but to compensate for and assauge a deep sense of valuelessness that had been revealed to me in the aftermath of my mother's dying. I do not need to hear that I indeed do have value or that others see me as valuable. I know that. I write this looking for nothing. that starting from there, that place of empty truth I can begin again, to find treasure, to not buy it or seek it. I called M this morning to confess this. I cannot write well on thi stupid tablet or otherwi se I would have written it here. He answered with a chuckle, well that's foolish to believe you can buy value. well, I am a fool. he chuckled again. fool has to be his favorite word. perhaps latins generally embrace the concept. I am thiking don quixote here and noting just how many words in spanish there are for this most human of concepts. [/QUOTE]
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