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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 680174" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Beautiful, Leafy. </p><p></p><p>Thank you!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is not okay, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>And you are not children, now. </p><p></p><p>And something is still very wrong.</p><p></p><p>That these things happened to any of us is tragic. Because they did happen, we each have experienced an especially painful kind of loneliness and confusion ~ the kind only family can inflict. Believing we can trust them to have our best interests at heart, we give our people free access or even, special access to ourselves and our children. I don't know why they do the things they do. As we heal, what we come to know is that why they do it doesn't matter. We learn we are not responsible for what they do. </p><p></p><p>As we heal, we finally begin believing ourselves: If it looks like a fish and smells like a fish, it's probably a fish. We test our conclusion here on FOO Chronicles, still not quite believing they could be as bad as we are making them look. That is the who is the liar here place. And it's a tough place to be, but it is primary healing. It is the beginning of seeing through denial.</p><p></p><p>And our stories pour out, and they are ugly.</p><p></p><p>And our people begin to look ugly.</p><p></p><p>So, we go back into denial for a little bit, because we love them and ourselves and our ideas of family and loving and etc that much.</p><p></p><p>And because we refuse to believe the reasons they do what they do, we wonder what kind of people we must be, in our secret hearts, to be thinking like this.</p><p></p><p>And because the facts keep being the facts, we are coming very close to healing, when that happens.</p><p></p><p>But none of it is easy.</p><p></p><p>The next question we ask will be how it could be that we lived what we lived but denied what we knew about them, and about us, and about how messed up all of it is. </p><p></p><p>Why did we do that.</p><p></p><p>Because there is very little as painful as being shunned by your own people. That's why. Lots of denial begins right there. What we don't see we needn't address. And we can all still have coffee together.</p><p></p><p>Or that Family Dinner I was always posting about.</p><p></p><p>One of the roles in a dysfunctional family system is probably the guy who, blind as a bat, wishes for Family Dinner.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I felt so badly and at the same time, deeply frightened of them. I was so deeply ashamed that ~ without coming right out and saying so ~ my own people seemed not to want anything to do with me. And now I know that is why they do what they do. It is like my mother said the last time she led a shun: If Cedar doesn't want to be part of this family, then this family wants nothing to do with <em>her</em>. </p><p></p><p>But until we can see how the sickness swirls around everything, we never know how what happened did happen.</p><p></p><p>Anymore than any victimized group in the larger society knows how anti-Semitism came to be, or racism, or misogyny or homophobia.</p><p></p><p>Or finding value in training our dogs to fight and kill one another instead of loving the dog into the Dolly she was, all along.</p><p></p><p>There are so many ugly stories, in the world.</p><p></p><p>Back to us.</p><p></p><p>So, because we were raised to take responsibility for everything, we take responsibility for the shun, too.</p><p></p><p>Only, as time passes, and we are away from them...we begin to feel better. Our lives smooth out. Our curiosities return, and with them, our joy in our own being alive. But even with everything we know, about them and about ourselves, we still feel deeply sad about ourselves and our people and the things they do. And we are correct in acknowledging this sadness. Because it is what it is. Because we did and do deserve families and loving and someone who has our back like a mother or a sister or a brother has our back. Our worlds are lonely places where Family of Origin should be.</p><p></p><p>And that is very sad.</p><p></p><p>But soon enough, we think about them less. Without guilt to draw us and bleed us and make us feel responsible for what they do, we begin to let them go.</p><p></p><p>That is what is happening to me. My mother still sparkles and shines and I still get it that there are more bad things there or I would not have concealed her beneath that savage sparkling, but I no longer mind, about that. I don't want to hate her or my sister or anyone. I never did. Now that I have worked so hard to figure out what probably happened, my job is less about what they did or why than it is about what is the right thing to do going forward. We cannot change what happened to us ~ not any of it. Somehow we come to a place where we honor our own stories, the good and the bad of them. They are all us. </p><p></p><p>Leafy, the young girl watching her blood vanish down the drain. That is you. There is nothing wrong in what happened. <em>You were taught to believe there was something wrong in what happened. Stop thinking like that. Maybe you wish you had been healthier and stronger then. Maybe you wish the man had been someone else. It is okay to regret how we have done something. It is not okay to hate or berate ourselves for how we have elected to live our own lives. That kind of self-condemnation is an artifact of abuse. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Recognize it as such and begin to work there, Leafy.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>You were neither healthy nor strong. But you were beautiful, in the way every young girl is so beautifully alive. You made the story of your life. It is a beautiful story simply because it is a life. You are alive in your own beautiful life. Can you see that how you think of yourself in your life is an FOO artifact? No one has a perfect life. Illness will come to all of us, and it will come to all of our mates. Life does not have to be all lights and glitter for us to know we are happy.</em></p><p></p><p><em>The way we were taught to see ourselves infects everything we do.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That is another difference between ourselves and other people.</em></p><p></p><p><em>But once we see that so clearly, we can just let them go. We can love them and let go. We can let go and suddenly, come into a cherishing for our own being alive. We can respect ourselves and our own people.</em></p><p></p><p><em>We can stop judging ourselves and our lives through eyes that are not our own. </em></p><p></p><p><em>They took that from us, too. </em></p><p></p><p><em>Isn't that something.</em></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, that explains why the brothers were jealous, then. </p><p></p><p>Who was the mother of the other sons?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That the father or mother could be tricked by the other children into believing the favored child was dead...how strange and familiar is this story, Leafy. I am glad the father did not participate in the selling of his son into slavery. Still, for us, the issue is less what any of Joseph's FOO did than how it was that Joseph could have been sold into slavery and lived his life as a slave and yet never have forgotten he was not a slave.</p><p></p><p>How did Joseph remember, throughout his slavery, that he was himself?</p><p></p><p>At the end of the story, the father expects Joseph to take vengeance on the sibs. Joseph does not require vengeance. He is his own.</p><p></p><p>We too have been sold.</p><p></p><p>Maybe we were the favored child, too. Maybe that is why the sibs (the sisters) hold such bitterness in their hearts for us. But how does that explain the willing collusion of the the parents unless the parents were not healthy to begin with.</p><p></p><p>For me, this is true.</p><p></p><p>Our business here on FOO Chronicles, as I see it anyway, has to do with learning how not to require vengeance. For Joseph, that had to do with his never having believed his enslavement to their reality to have been legitimate. Joseph took responsibility for who he believed himself to be. </p><p></p><p>But, raised as a slave and marked as a slave and sold into slavery...how could Joseph have been strong enough not to believe he was who they told him he was.</p><p></p><p>That is the question.</p><p></p><p>Though I still think the father colluded in Joseph's disappearance. But you are right, Leafy. The story says the father had no idea.</p><p></p><p>Work today.</p><p></p><p>Leafy, I am glad you are moving through so well.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Copa, Good Morning!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 680174, member: 17461"] Beautiful, Leafy. Thank you! It is not okay, Leafy. And you are not children, now. And something is still very wrong. That these things happened to any of us is tragic. Because they did happen, we each have experienced an especially painful kind of loneliness and confusion ~ the kind only family can inflict. Believing we can trust them to have our best interests at heart, we give our people free access or even, special access to ourselves and our children. I don't know why they do the things they do. As we heal, what we come to know is that why they do it doesn't matter. We learn we are not responsible for what they do. As we heal, we finally begin believing ourselves: If it looks like a fish and smells like a fish, it's probably a fish. We test our conclusion here on FOO Chronicles, still not quite believing they could be as bad as we are making them look. That is the who is the liar here place. And it's a tough place to be, but it is primary healing. It is the beginning of seeing through denial. And our stories pour out, and they are ugly. And our people begin to look ugly. So, we go back into denial for a little bit, because we love them and ourselves and our ideas of family and loving and etc that much. And because we refuse to believe the reasons they do what they do, we wonder what kind of people we must be, in our secret hearts, to be thinking like this. And because the facts keep being the facts, we are coming very close to healing, when that happens. But none of it is easy. The next question we ask will be how it could be that we lived what we lived but denied what we knew about them, and about us, and about how messed up all of it is. Why did we do that. Because there is very little as painful as being shunned by your own people. That's why. Lots of denial begins right there. What we don't see we needn't address. And we can all still have coffee together. Or that Family Dinner I was always posting about. One of the roles in a dysfunctional family system is probably the guy who, blind as a bat, wishes for Family Dinner. *** I felt so badly and at the same time, deeply frightened of them. I was so deeply ashamed that ~ without coming right out and saying so ~ my own people seemed not to want anything to do with me. And now I know that is why they do what they do. It is like my mother said the last time she led a shun: If Cedar doesn't want to be part of this family, then this family wants nothing to do with [I]her[/I]. But until we can see how the sickness swirls around everything, we never know how what happened did happen. Anymore than any victimized group in the larger society knows how anti-Semitism came to be, or racism, or misogyny or homophobia. Or finding value in training our dogs to fight and kill one another instead of loving the dog into the Dolly she was, all along. There are so many ugly stories, in the world. Back to us. So, because we were raised to take responsibility for everything, we take responsibility for the shun, too. Only, as time passes, and we are away from them...we begin to feel better. Our lives smooth out. Our curiosities return, and with them, our joy in our own being alive. But even with everything we know, about them and about ourselves, we still feel deeply sad about ourselves and our people and the things they do. And we are correct in acknowledging this sadness. Because it is what it is. Because we did and do deserve families and loving and someone who has our back like a mother or a sister or a brother has our back. Our worlds are lonely places where Family of Origin should be. And that is very sad. But soon enough, we think about them less. Without guilt to draw us and bleed us and make us feel responsible for what they do, we begin to let them go. That is what is happening to me. My mother still sparkles and shines and I still get it that there are more bad things there or I would not have concealed her beneath that savage sparkling, but I no longer mind, about that. I don't want to hate her or my sister or anyone. I never did. Now that I have worked so hard to figure out what probably happened, my job is less about what they did or why than it is about what is the right thing to do going forward. We cannot change what happened to us ~ not any of it. Somehow we come to a place where we honor our own stories, the good and the bad of them. They are all us. Leafy, the young girl watching her blood vanish down the drain. That is you. There is nothing wrong in what happened. [I]You were taught to believe there was something wrong in what happened. Stop thinking like that. Maybe you wish you had been healthier and stronger then. Maybe you wish the man had been someone else. It is okay to regret how we have done something. It is not okay to hate or berate ourselves for how we have elected to live our own lives. That kind of self-condemnation is an artifact of abuse. Recognize it as such and begin to work there, Leafy. You were neither healthy nor strong. But you were beautiful, in the way every young girl is so beautifully alive. You made the story of your life. It is a beautiful story simply because it is a life. You are alive in your own beautiful life. Can you see that how you think of yourself in your life is an FOO artifact? No one has a perfect life. Illness will come to all of us, and it will come to all of our mates. Life does not have to be all lights and glitter for us to know we are happy.[/I] [I]The way we were taught to see ourselves infects everything we do.[/I] [I]That is another difference between ourselves and other people.[/I] [I]But once we see that so clearly, we can just let them go. We can love them and let go. We can let go and suddenly, come into a cherishing for our own being alive. We can respect ourselves and our own people.[/I] [I]We can stop judging ourselves and our lives through eyes that are not our own. [/I] [I]They took that from us, too. [/I] [I]Isn't that something.[/I] Cedar Well, that explains why the brothers were jealous, then. Who was the mother of the other sons? That the father or mother could be tricked by the other children into believing the favored child was dead...how strange and familiar is this story, Leafy. I am glad the father did not participate in the selling of his son into slavery. Still, for us, the issue is less what any of Joseph's FOO did than how it was that Joseph could have been sold into slavery and lived his life as a slave and yet never have forgotten he was not a slave. How did Joseph remember, throughout his slavery, that he was himself? At the end of the story, the father expects Joseph to take vengeance on the sibs. Joseph does not require vengeance. He is his own. We too have been sold. Maybe we were the favored child, too. Maybe that is why the sibs (the sisters) hold such bitterness in their hearts for us. But how does that explain the willing collusion of the the parents unless the parents were not healthy to begin with. For me, this is true. Our business here on FOO Chronicles, as I see it anyway, has to do with learning how not to require vengeance. For Joseph, that had to do with his never having believed his enslavement to their reality to have been legitimate. Joseph took responsibility for who he believed himself to be. But, raised as a slave and marked as a slave and sold into slavery...how could Joseph have been strong enough not to believe he was who they told him he was. That is the question. Though I still think the father colluded in Joseph's disappearance. But you are right, Leafy. The story says the father had no idea. Work today. Leafy, I am glad you are moving through so well. Cedar Copa, Good Morning! :O) [/QUOTE]
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