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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 721737" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>i believe that much of the time we pick people with whom we can work out our issues. what that may mean, is we pick people who trigger us, who have what we lack, gratify needs, or even abuse us in the way that did early important figures.</p><p></p><p>there is a fine line between working out the deep seated yearning to have it work out this time, and the repetition of a traumatic past.</p><p></p><p>and i guess sometimes we learn who we are in a relationship and who we are not. or do not want to be. </p><p></p><p>do we fight for ourselves in the relationship or do we move on? </p><p></p><p>i long for the person i was 5 years ago. 10 years ago. anybody but who i am now. but i tell myself: this pain has to be about me too. and for now i choose to keep trying to push through it. </p><p></p><p>but every day pretty much i revisit the question. i go day by day. maybe that is not such a bad thing.</p><p></p><p>i am learning that kindness and care come first from me for me. very slowly. that i do not have to respond or react to triggering behavior. that there is nothing i need to defend. or assert. that i can stand alone. that somebody elses bad behavior is not about me. it's theirs.</p><p></p><p>that i do not have to take on or take in anybody elses lack of control. and i have more capacity for tolerance and generosity than i believed.</p><p></p><p>which of course is not saying i will tolerate mistreatment. nor should anybody.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 721737, member: 18958"] i believe that much of the time we pick people with whom we can work out our issues. what that may mean, is we pick people who trigger us, who have what we lack, gratify needs, or even abuse us in the way that did early important figures. there is a fine line between working out the deep seated yearning to have it work out this time, and the repetition of a traumatic past. and i guess sometimes we learn who we are in a relationship and who we are not. or do not want to be. do we fight for ourselves in the relationship or do we move on? i long for the person i was 5 years ago. 10 years ago. anybody but who i am now. but i tell myself: this pain has to be about me too. and for now i choose to keep trying to push through it. but every day pretty much i revisit the question. i go day by day. maybe that is not such a bad thing. i am learning that kindness and care come first from me for me. very slowly. that i do not have to respond or react to triggering behavior. that there is nothing i need to defend. or assert. that i can stand alone. that somebody elses bad behavior is not about me. it's theirs. that i do not have to take on or take in anybody elses lack of control. and i have more capacity for tolerance and generosity than i believed. which of course is not saying i will tolerate mistreatment. nor should anybody. [/QUOTE]
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