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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760526" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>“Life — the way it really is — is a battle not between Bad and Good, but between Bad and Worse.” Joseph Brodsky</p><p></p><p>You see, my story with my son is this. I did battle between good and bad, and it became worse than I could have ever imagined. I tried to see the potential to make it better, and I hitched my wagon to despair, dissolution, and desolation.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if there would have been another, better, outcome if I had detached completely, or an even worse one. My son is alive. I am grateful for that. And we do have some relationship. When he has a desperate need for food, he comes back. He knows I love him. However bitter he is, (he judges me harshly because I don't help him all of the time), when he needs me, we are able to connect.</p><p></p><p>I think the Brodsky quote is about denial. And I also think it's about what real life is. Real-life is suffering.</p><p></p><p>The only way I can see my own situation in a way that I can hold onto myself is this. Everybody has a story to write with their life. Their own work to do. Work isn't just a profession, a job, a trade. It's something far greater. It's purpose. It's the reason that each of us lives. The task we do. Our potential to dig down deep and heal and transform ourselves.</p><p></p><p>To try to do another adult's life-work is wrong. By trying to impose my narrative on his life I am infantilizing my son. I am taking away his autonomy and taking away his purpose.</p><p></p><p>By recognizing what in my life story has led to this need to rescue my son, and to stop it, is my own life work to do.</p><p></p><p>I know this sounds nuts, given how our children are living. But these are men are adults. They are no longer our babies anymore to protect and to keep safe. To keep on feeling that they are our babies is to deny reality--"to deny the way (life) really is."</p><p></p><p>If I stay engaged emotionally with my son "as-if" he is a baby, not a homeless addict, I remain tethered to a fallacy and a fantasy. And I suffer.</p><p></p><p>I am so, so sorry.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760526, member: 18958"] “Life — the way it really is — is a battle not between Bad and Good, but between Bad and Worse.” Joseph Brodsky You see, my story with my son is this. I did battle between good and bad, and it became worse than I could have ever imagined. I tried to see the potential to make it better, and I hitched my wagon to despair, dissolution, and desolation. I don't know if there would have been another, better, outcome if I had detached completely, or an even worse one. My son is alive. I am grateful for that. And we do have some relationship. When he has a desperate need for food, he comes back. He knows I love him. However bitter he is, (he judges me harshly because I don't help him all of the time), when he needs me, we are able to connect. I think the Brodsky quote is about denial. And I also think it's about what real life is. Real-life is suffering. The only way I can see my own situation in a way that I can hold onto myself is this. Everybody has a story to write with their life. Their own work to do. Work isn't just a profession, a job, a trade. It's something far greater. It's purpose. It's the reason that each of us lives. The task we do. Our potential to dig down deep and heal and transform ourselves. To try to do another adult's life-work is wrong. By trying to impose my narrative on his life I am infantilizing my son. I am taking away his autonomy and taking away his purpose. By recognizing what in my life story has led to this need to rescue my son, and to stop it, is my own life work to do. I know this sounds nuts, given how our children are living. But these are men are adults. They are no longer our babies anymore to protect and to keep safe. To keep on feeling that they are our babies is to deny reality--"to deny the way (life) really is." If I stay engaged emotionally with my son "as-if" he is a baby, not a homeless addict, I remain tethered to a fallacy and a fantasy. And I suffer. I am so, so sorry. [/QUOTE]
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