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Substance Abuse
Alone and the saga goes on and on...when I thought there was hope
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 722828" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>It is time for you to start attending AlAnon Family Meetings. Your son has a problem with alcohol. Even if he is not an alcoholic, AlAnon will help give you perspective. If you are not comfortable with that, a private therapist might be helpful but be sure she has training in substance abuse. If she tells you to be responsible for your son, go find another therapist. You also should read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.</p><p></p><p>It is time to let your son deal with the consequences of his actions. Both in his hostel and in his job and his criminal case. I can say my parents would never have interfered in my job or helped me with it. I worked at a job from age 14 on. If he isn't in school, and cannot keep a job, his rent is his problem. Especially if he can buy expensive things like fancy aftershave and playstations. This is time for him to learn about wants and needs. If you keep stepping in and paying his rent, how will he ever learn that life is unpleasant if he buys a playstation and cannot pay his rent? What lesson will he learn if you pay his rent? He will learn that Mom will yammer at him about responsibility but she won't actually make him be responsible. Then the next month he will go and do the same thing again. And the month after that. </p><p></p><p>Until he feels the natural and logical consequences of his actions, he won't EVER begin to change his ways. Not EVER. It is NOT being mean or hard hearted. It is being an effective parent. As the parent of an infant who needed to learn to crawl, you put him down on the floor and put his toys out of reach. Then you waited until he figured out how to get over to them. You did NOT move the toys to him, you let him move to them. NOw you are the parent of an adult child who is not acting like an adult. It is time to make him uncomfortable. If he knows you won't step in and he has to come up with rent, he can pawn that playstation and make his rent. He can pawn other possessions to make his rent. If it is that or being homeless with nowhere to play the playstation, I wonder which he would choose? Make sure that he cannot come back home to live with you. You do NOT want that to be an option he chooses. He can find a shelter somehwere. It will be nasty and he will hate it, but you provided better and he squandered them. He could keep them if he chose. This isn't an uncommon thing for young adults to do, but most parents don't rescue the kids,. I don't think. </p><p></p><p>As for the criminal charges, those were his choice. He chose to get too drunk and to not control himself. he will never pay you back for what he owes you. If you get him out of these charges, he will get more. Sometimes seeing the legal system is enough of a shock to help set kids on the right road. Sometimes it doesn't make a dent. I say since they are adults, they should have to deal with the court. You can go to court dates as moral support, but you shouldn't interfere. Usually there are diversion programs and alcohol abuse programs and such that the court will offer for first time offenders. It isn't hopeless. Maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs. He was grownup enough to get drunk and act the fool and damage the taxi driver's sole source of supporting his family. He needs to be grown enough to go and deal with the consequences.</p><p></p><p>I know maybe I sound hard. I have seen so many parents come through here with younger adult children and those children just never seem to wake up as long as the parents are bailing them out and paying for the children's mistakes. The children never even seem to appreciate it. I hate that, it wastes so many years of their lives, all of their lives!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 722828, member: 1233"] It is time for you to start attending AlAnon Family Meetings. Your son has a problem with alcohol. Even if he is not an alcoholic, AlAnon will help give you perspective. If you are not comfortable with that, a private therapist might be helpful but be sure she has training in substance abuse. If she tells you to be responsible for your son, go find another therapist. You also should read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It is time to let your son deal with the consequences of his actions. Both in his hostel and in his job and his criminal case. I can say my parents would never have interfered in my job or helped me with it. I worked at a job from age 14 on. If he isn't in school, and cannot keep a job, his rent is his problem. Especially if he can buy expensive things like fancy aftershave and playstations. This is time for him to learn about wants and needs. If you keep stepping in and paying his rent, how will he ever learn that life is unpleasant if he buys a playstation and cannot pay his rent? What lesson will he learn if you pay his rent? He will learn that Mom will yammer at him about responsibility but she won't actually make him be responsible. Then the next month he will go and do the same thing again. And the month after that. Until he feels the natural and logical consequences of his actions, he won't EVER begin to change his ways. Not EVER. It is NOT being mean or hard hearted. It is being an effective parent. As the parent of an infant who needed to learn to crawl, you put him down on the floor and put his toys out of reach. Then you waited until he figured out how to get over to them. You did NOT move the toys to him, you let him move to them. NOw you are the parent of an adult child who is not acting like an adult. It is time to make him uncomfortable. If he knows you won't step in and he has to come up with rent, he can pawn that playstation and make his rent. He can pawn other possessions to make his rent. If it is that or being homeless with nowhere to play the playstation, I wonder which he would choose? Make sure that he cannot come back home to live with you. You do NOT want that to be an option he chooses. He can find a shelter somehwere. It will be nasty and he will hate it, but you provided better and he squandered them. He could keep them if he chose. This isn't an uncommon thing for young adults to do, but most parents don't rescue the kids,. I don't think. As for the criminal charges, those were his choice. He chose to get too drunk and to not control himself. he will never pay you back for what he owes you. If you get him out of these charges, he will get more. Sometimes seeing the legal system is enough of a shock to help set kids on the right road. Sometimes it doesn't make a dent. I say since they are adults, they should have to deal with the court. You can go to court dates as moral support, but you shouldn't interfere. Usually there are diversion programs and alcohol abuse programs and such that the court will offer for first time offenders. It isn't hopeless. Maybe this will be the wakeup call he needs. He was grownup enough to get drunk and act the fool and damage the taxi driver's sole source of supporting his family. He needs to be grown enough to go and deal with the consequences. I know maybe I sound hard. I have seen so many parents come through here with younger adult children and those children just never seem to wake up as long as the parents are bailing them out and paying for the children's mistakes. The children never even seem to appreciate it. I hate that, it wastes so many years of their lives, all of their lives! [/QUOTE]
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