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Am I Losing My Mind? Please Help!
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<blockquote data-quote="pippi747" data-source="post: 543194" data-attributes="member: 14964"><p>Alright guys, first of all, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. This is the first time I have gotten to sit down and try to type down my thoughts and responses, but I have been reading and taking in all the info. </p><p></p><p>When I had sat down to write all of that the word vomit just poured out. I missed a TON of info and just poured out all the bad. I forgot to say that I fought terribly hard to have my daughter. Her father wanted me to abort her and in fact, fought with me, cussed me, verbally abused me and took the car he had given me because I wouldn't consent to the abortion. I had just lost a child due to miscarriage 6 months prior and I wasn't about to abort this one. I left him at 3 months pregnant and didn't have any contact with him again until she was born. I didn't want the stress to affect her. I had a great support system in my mother and my best friend who I lived with throughout the pregnancy. We had a lot of fun and good memories during the pregnancy. </p><p></p><p>When she was born, I think I was detached at the moment because I was induced and on a ton of drugs. Once I came down off my high and could actually move around, I did everything a loving mother would do for her child. I held her, slept with her, snuggled with her when she was eating, wore her when I worked around the house, shared a room with her etc. She was always engaged and attached and knew that everyone around her loved her to pieces. </p><p></p><p>When I said I snapped and went too far, I meant there were 4 specific times that I got too angry when dealing with her and did/said things I regret. The 4th time, I made a pact to learn better parenting techniques than I was shown by my parents and from then on I got better every year. I am constantly learning/reading ways to be even better. In fact I am right now reading a book on using buddhist techniques in motherhood. I meditate, work out and try to eat healthy where my moods stay stable and I don't affect my child. Am I perfect? Hell no and sometimes I say things I shouldn't. But I certainly do try. </p><p></p><p>All that being said, I don't think she has attachment issues. She has always been very loving and my mom even said that my daughter adored me more than any child she had ever seen. I do believe that isn't an act. I feel that she is attached. She has always been surrounded by love even if her father was teaching her inappropriate things. I know he loves her and just doesn't know better himself. He just has mental issues--I am thinking bipolar. He has violent mood swings. I am also diagnosis with bipolar and my biological father had bipolar. I am leaning more toward that diagnosis because of the grandiose self image, the inability to hold still and control herself when she is in a high etc. I have also asked her if she has mood swings and she said yes, but that could be another manipulation tool. If she thinks I think she has a problem, maybe she can get more out of me? She also cannot control herself when eating and will eat WAY too much because it tastes good. She doesn't have a filter. I try to filter for her but then she resents me for keeping the food from her and says I think she is fat. </p><p></p><p>I do love my daughter and I realize that because I want the best for her, I just don't feel the same maternal warmth as I do with my second one and I absolutely despise/hate my oldest's behaviors. I spend most of my day practicing my breathing and trying not to trip her. I have to take many many time outs. </p><p></p><p>recoveringenabler-Thanks so much for your vote of encouragement and your comment about "mother's instincts". I appreciated that. </p><p></p><p>bigbear11-My daughter is currently on Medicaid and there is only one counseling group here in our area. She was just a children's counselor. I am about to move her over to my husband's insurance so that we can get her in for a psychiatric evaluation with a children's psychiatric in the practice I go to. Thanks for the non-judgement and advice! </p><p></p><p>Midwestmom-Thanks for your response! Looking back I know that I shouldn't have dated while she was little and she did meet some of them. She didn't see me in bed with tons of new bfs though. I had two long term relationships that lasted over the course of 3 years and we did live together. I am currently married and have been with this man for 4 years. Her routine throughout those years was pretty consistent. She was either with myself, her grandmother or her father and she loved being at all locations. She was surrounded with love and attention. She was in daycare quite a bit around 4 because I was working and in school, but that didn't last long as after that I moved in with my mother and father so I could finish school. I looked at your link on attachment disorder and the treatment of such and I have got to say that Attachment therapy scares the **** out of me. Some of it looks more abusive than I have ever been with my daughter. Maybe I am misunderstanding something? I could never do some of that therapy to my kiddo no matter how much I dislike her <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>Buddy-Thanks for your response as well! I wasn't clear in my first post, but I fought hard to keep her and make sure the pregnancy was healthy. I was excited to have her even though her father was a dick. I was young and lived with my best friend, but she was uber supportive. She helped me because she already had one and knew the ropes. I listed all the things that I spent my time doing with my daughter when she was born. I also was super sad when she had to go to daycare so I could work. I would go to daycare on any semi-holiday at lunch and spend time with her. As her personality developed around 2 was when I started not liking her. She became very irksome. I looked at the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) stuff and while she falls on some of the symptom lists, she was always a loving child as she was growing and developing. She was always surrounded by love. I snapped sometimes and got too angry but I always apologized and did better next time. I was just a young mother who had been taught poorly by being abused herself. When I started looking at attachment therapy, I was scared. I would never do most of those things that I saw them doing in attachment therapy. They would make my daughter mad and in my opinion would likely be more abusive than any of the mistakes I made when she was a little one. </p><p></p><p>I hope my comments on attachment therapy don't offend anyone, but from what I saw it scared me. Maybe I need a different explanation?</p><p></p><p>TerryJ2-She went to therapy but the counselor thought she was perfect. I need to go have her tested by a neuropsychologist or psychiatric when I get the insurance switched. Thanks for the pointer on spending time on myself!</p><p></p><p>Malika-Thanks so much! I am going to look into a psychiatric evaluation when I can get one done, but attachment therapy scares me! Hopefully my local psychiatric will not suggest any of that! I am glad that your son is doing better now!</p><p></p><p>JJJ-I am leaning toward emerging Borderline (BPD). But I think she stays in the manic realm more than the depressed realm. She is gregarious and thinks she is the best at everything. She runs friends off by her aggressiveness etc. I need to have her screened and tell the doctor what I am thinking. Thanks for the pointer on not being alone with my husband. I work and my husband is retired so often she is alone with him. I am going to have to find somewhere for her to be other than home. I had worried about that, because I know my husband would never, but I could see in the next few years her getting mad at him and burying him somehow. Thanks for voicing this so I realized it wasn't all in my head. I don't trust her even though I know my husband is golden and wouldn't do anything. We often leave her with the little one in the living room and sometimes I will hear the baby cry or something and my oldest will say she fell down. She says she loves her soooo much. Does the hurting other children and the false sexual allegations also go with Borderline (BPD)? </p><p></p><p>exhausted-I have been paranoid about potential sexual abuse, but my oldest daughter and I have been talking about this since she was 2. I was sexually abused and too scared to tell my mom because the guy said I would get in trouble and my mom would be mad at me. So I started talking slowly with my daughter as soon as she could talk. She always knew that no one was ever to touch her there and if they did she should tell me. I even told her that they might say she would get into trouble but they were lying and that they said that because they knew they would get into trouble. From my knowledge, she has only been alone with 3 adult males in her life. I don't even let her go to slumber parties because I don't trust other fathers. This is not to say that all my paranoia has kept her safe, but I have certainly tried and I always ask her if anyone behaved inappropriately and she always says no mom and rolls her eyes. As far as shopping around, we live in a small town and pretty much a one stop shop. I can drive an hour east or west and get to a bigger city. I was going to try my local psychiatric office which has a children's psychiatric once I have her insurance changed. Thanks for the pointer about talking to her teacher. Her regular doctor had diagnosis her with ADHD but the medicine didn't do any good, which led me to finding research that sometimes emerging Borderline (BPD) is misdiagnosed as ADHD. So perhaps that is something. I do try to have empathy, but she exhausts me so much!!! Also, thanks to you for being one of the brave ones that teach! You guys do an amazing job when given so little. </p><p></p><p>Chloedancer-In looking for something that worked, I am talking about a discipline actually helping to change the behavior. Nothing works. Right now we have a combo of extra exercise, removing electronics and yard work that get doled out for misbehavior. I am not much on spanking and it doesn't do anything but teach them to hit. </p><p></p><p>Star*-Wow thanks for your response! All of the things you mentioned, I am working on. I am especially working on the calm and serene parenting. The more she gets a rise out of us the more she does it, so I am attempting to do the calm and serene thing. Oh yea and I would love to hear the story about the bubble container and holy water story. I have a good one. It is called the flood the daycare story. Oldest daughter was 2 and in daycare. They had those mini toilets and she would wait until she was in the bathroom alone. She would lift the seat and cram her butt into the bottom of the toilet then cram the seat over he shoulders so she was stuck. She then would reach what ever she could to the lever and would flush repeatedly so the water would spill over into the floor. It took five teachers to get her unstuck all while she was laughing maniacally. This is just one of the many "events" that are typical. </p><p></p><p>Any other insights comments you have would be great! I am struggling over here. Sometimes it takes the whole day of saying just "x" more hours and you can put her to bed or just "x" more years until she likely wants to move out with her father. She just makes me feel so <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite4" alt=":mad:" title="Mad :mad:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":mad:" /> and sometimes I am scared I can't do it anymore.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="pippi747, post: 543194, member: 14964"] Alright guys, first of all, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. This is the first time I have gotten to sit down and try to type down my thoughts and responses, but I have been reading and taking in all the info. When I had sat down to write all of that the word vomit just poured out. I missed a TON of info and just poured out all the bad. I forgot to say that I fought terribly hard to have my daughter. Her father wanted me to abort her and in fact, fought with me, cussed me, verbally abused me and took the car he had given me because I wouldn't consent to the abortion. I had just lost a child due to miscarriage 6 months prior and I wasn't about to abort this one. I left him at 3 months pregnant and didn't have any contact with him again until she was born. I didn't want the stress to affect her. I had a great support system in my mother and my best friend who I lived with throughout the pregnancy. We had a lot of fun and good memories during the pregnancy. When she was born, I think I was detached at the moment because I was induced and on a ton of drugs. Once I came down off my high and could actually move around, I did everything a loving mother would do for her child. I held her, slept with her, snuggled with her when she was eating, wore her when I worked around the house, shared a room with her etc. She was always engaged and attached and knew that everyone around her loved her to pieces. When I said I snapped and went too far, I meant there were 4 specific times that I got too angry when dealing with her and did/said things I regret. The 4th time, I made a pact to learn better parenting techniques than I was shown by my parents and from then on I got better every year. I am constantly learning/reading ways to be even better. In fact I am right now reading a book on using buddhist techniques in motherhood. I meditate, work out and try to eat healthy where my moods stay stable and I don't affect my child. Am I perfect? Hell no and sometimes I say things I shouldn't. But I certainly do try. All that being said, I don't think she has attachment issues. She has always been very loving and my mom even said that my daughter adored me more than any child she had ever seen. I do believe that isn't an act. I feel that she is attached. She has always been surrounded by love even if her father was teaching her inappropriate things. I know he loves her and just doesn't know better himself. He just has mental issues--I am thinking bipolar. He has violent mood swings. I am also diagnosis with bipolar and my biological father had bipolar. I am leaning more toward that diagnosis because of the grandiose self image, the inability to hold still and control herself when she is in a high etc. I have also asked her if she has mood swings and she said yes, but that could be another manipulation tool. If she thinks I think she has a problem, maybe she can get more out of me? She also cannot control herself when eating and will eat WAY too much because it tastes good. She doesn't have a filter. I try to filter for her but then she resents me for keeping the food from her and says I think she is fat. I do love my daughter and I realize that because I want the best for her, I just don't feel the same maternal warmth as I do with my second one and I absolutely despise/hate my oldest's behaviors. I spend most of my day practicing my breathing and trying not to trip her. I have to take many many time outs. recoveringenabler-Thanks so much for your vote of encouragement and your comment about "mother's instincts". I appreciated that. bigbear11-My daughter is currently on Medicaid and there is only one counseling group here in our area. She was just a children's counselor. I am about to move her over to my husband's insurance so that we can get her in for a psychiatric evaluation with a children's psychiatric in the practice I go to. Thanks for the non-judgement and advice! Midwestmom-Thanks for your response! Looking back I know that I shouldn't have dated while she was little and she did meet some of them. She didn't see me in bed with tons of new bfs though. I had two long term relationships that lasted over the course of 3 years and we did live together. I am currently married and have been with this man for 4 years. Her routine throughout those years was pretty consistent. She was either with myself, her grandmother or her father and she loved being at all locations. She was surrounded with love and attention. She was in daycare quite a bit around 4 because I was working and in school, but that didn't last long as after that I moved in with my mother and father so I could finish school. I looked at your link on attachment disorder and the treatment of such and I have got to say that Attachment therapy scares the **** out of me. Some of it looks more abusive than I have ever been with my daughter. Maybe I am misunderstanding something? I could never do some of that therapy to my kiddo no matter how much I dislike her :( Buddy-Thanks for your response as well! I wasn't clear in my first post, but I fought hard to keep her and make sure the pregnancy was healthy. I was excited to have her even though her father was a dick. I was young and lived with my best friend, but she was uber supportive. She helped me because she already had one and knew the ropes. I listed all the things that I spent my time doing with my daughter when she was born. I also was super sad when she had to go to daycare so I could work. I would go to daycare on any semi-holiday at lunch and spend time with her. As her personality developed around 2 was when I started not liking her. She became very irksome. I looked at the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) stuff and while she falls on some of the symptom lists, she was always a loving child as she was growing and developing. She was always surrounded by love. I snapped sometimes and got too angry but I always apologized and did better next time. I was just a young mother who had been taught poorly by being abused herself. When I started looking at attachment therapy, I was scared. I would never do most of those things that I saw them doing in attachment therapy. They would make my daughter mad and in my opinion would likely be more abusive than any of the mistakes I made when she was a little one. I hope my comments on attachment therapy don't offend anyone, but from what I saw it scared me. Maybe I need a different explanation? TerryJ2-She went to therapy but the counselor thought she was perfect. I need to go have her tested by a neuropsychologist or psychiatric when I get the insurance switched. Thanks for the pointer on spending time on myself! Malika-Thanks so much! I am going to look into a psychiatric evaluation when I can get one done, but attachment therapy scares me! Hopefully my local psychiatric will not suggest any of that! I am glad that your son is doing better now! JJJ-I am leaning toward emerging Borderline (BPD). But I think she stays in the manic realm more than the depressed realm. She is gregarious and thinks she is the best at everything. She runs friends off by her aggressiveness etc. I need to have her screened and tell the doctor what I am thinking. Thanks for the pointer on not being alone with my husband. I work and my husband is retired so often she is alone with him. I am going to have to find somewhere for her to be other than home. I had worried about that, because I know my husband would never, but I could see in the next few years her getting mad at him and burying him somehow. Thanks for voicing this so I realized it wasn't all in my head. I don't trust her even though I know my husband is golden and wouldn't do anything. We often leave her with the little one in the living room and sometimes I will hear the baby cry or something and my oldest will say she fell down. She says she loves her soooo much. Does the hurting other children and the false sexual allegations also go with Borderline (BPD)? exhausted-I have been paranoid about potential sexual abuse, but my oldest daughter and I have been talking about this since she was 2. I was sexually abused and too scared to tell my mom because the guy said I would get in trouble and my mom would be mad at me. So I started talking slowly with my daughter as soon as she could talk. She always knew that no one was ever to touch her there and if they did she should tell me. I even told her that they might say she would get into trouble but they were lying and that they said that because they knew they would get into trouble. From my knowledge, she has only been alone with 3 adult males in her life. I don't even let her go to slumber parties because I don't trust other fathers. This is not to say that all my paranoia has kept her safe, but I have certainly tried and I always ask her if anyone behaved inappropriately and she always says no mom and rolls her eyes. As far as shopping around, we live in a small town and pretty much a one stop shop. I can drive an hour east or west and get to a bigger city. I was going to try my local psychiatric office which has a children's psychiatric once I have her insurance changed. Thanks for the pointer about talking to her teacher. Her regular doctor had diagnosis her with ADHD but the medicine didn't do any good, which led me to finding research that sometimes emerging Borderline (BPD) is misdiagnosed as ADHD. So perhaps that is something. I do try to have empathy, but she exhausts me so much!!! Also, thanks to you for being one of the brave ones that teach! You guys do an amazing job when given so little. Chloedancer-In looking for something that worked, I am talking about a discipline actually helping to change the behavior. Nothing works. Right now we have a combo of extra exercise, removing electronics and yard work that get doled out for misbehavior. I am not much on spanking and it doesn't do anything but teach them to hit. Star*-Wow thanks for your response! All of the things you mentioned, I am working on. I am especially working on the calm and serene parenting. The more she gets a rise out of us the more she does it, so I am attempting to do the calm and serene thing. Oh yea and I would love to hear the story about the bubble container and holy water story. I have a good one. It is called the flood the daycare story. Oldest daughter was 2 and in daycare. They had those mini toilets and she would wait until she was in the bathroom alone. She would lift the seat and cram her butt into the bottom of the toilet then cram the seat over he shoulders so she was stuck. She then would reach what ever she could to the lever and would flush repeatedly so the water would spill over into the floor. It took five teachers to get her unstuck all while she was laughing maniacally. This is just one of the many "events" that are typical. Any other insights comments you have would be great! I am struggling over here. Sometimes it takes the whole day of saying just "x" more hours and you can put her to bed or just "x" more years until she likely wants to move out with her father. She just makes me feel so :angry: and sometimes I am scared I can't do it anymore. [/QUOTE]
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