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...and it all falls apart.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 700966" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lil, I've been out of pocket, but I'm back and just read this thread. I'm so glad he isn't under your roof anymore, especially since things weren't going the way you'd hoped and the deadline was coming up. That would have been even more hard, to kick him out of the house again.</p><p></p><p>This way, he's chosen to go. </p><p></p><p>This is what letting go looks like. It's the calls, the texts, the paying-for-one-more-night, the wiring money. I know the awful feeling---the physical feeling---that you HAVE to send the one-more-night. You can't not do it. </p><p></p><p>I know because i did it over and over and over again. And like you, it never worked.</p><p></p><p>What CAN work is space and distance and like someone else said, detachment. Detachment is an emotional state, as you know Lil. It doesn't mean not talking to your son or being mean or cold or distant or not caring. </p><p></p><p>Actually, I honestly and truly believe that detaching from our DCs is the finest love there is. And the hardest. And you can't do it without a lot of work on yourself and without a very strong support system that empathizes with your feelings but helps you stick to the plan of detachment. The feelings and the thinking/actions in detachment don't match up at all. And most people---that is where they fall off the wagon. I fell off many times.</p><p></p><p>Your son is making his own way. Just let him do it. Don't try to manage it, make it all "better" by sending "opportunities". There is a whole subculture out there of homeless/day workers, etc. Your son can rock along this way for a long while. I'm sure there are many young men and women who have struck out for Colorado or Oregon in the past year or so...so he's not alone. They can band together.</p><p></p><p>The best thing about this...is time is passing. He is getting older. He is seeing what is possible out there without resources. He will either like it or he won't and then he will be motivated to change.</p><p></p><p>You can't be motivated for him. It just plain does not work. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Turn your energy back to you and Jabber and your own life. He is striking out on his own. This is what he needs to do right now.</p><p></p><p>It is very humbling to realize that you don't know and never have known what is best for someone else. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 700966, member: 17542"] Lil, I've been out of pocket, but I'm back and just read this thread. I'm so glad he isn't under your roof anymore, especially since things weren't going the way you'd hoped and the deadline was coming up. That would have been even more hard, to kick him out of the house again. This way, he's chosen to go. This is what letting go looks like. It's the calls, the texts, the paying-for-one-more-night, the wiring money. I know the awful feeling---the physical feeling---that you HAVE to send the one-more-night. You can't not do it. I know because i did it over and over and over again. And like you, it never worked. What CAN work is space and distance and like someone else said, detachment. Detachment is an emotional state, as you know Lil. It doesn't mean not talking to your son or being mean or cold or distant or not caring. Actually, I honestly and truly believe that detaching from our DCs is the finest love there is. And the hardest. And you can't do it without a lot of work on yourself and without a very strong support system that empathizes with your feelings but helps you stick to the plan of detachment. The feelings and the thinking/actions in detachment don't match up at all. And most people---that is where they fall off the wagon. I fell off many times. Your son is making his own way. Just let him do it. Don't try to manage it, make it all "better" by sending "opportunities". There is a whole subculture out there of homeless/day workers, etc. Your son can rock along this way for a long while. I'm sure there are many young men and women who have struck out for Colorado or Oregon in the past year or so...so he's not alone. They can band together. The best thing about this...is time is passing. He is getting older. He is seeing what is possible out there without resources. He will either like it or he won't and then he will be motivated to change. You can't be motivated for him. It just plain does not work. Hang in there. Turn your energy back to you and Jabber and your own life. He is striking out on his own. This is what he needs to do right now. It is very humbling to realize that you don't know and never have known what is best for someone else. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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