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Parent Emeritus
...and it all falls apart.
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 701096" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>I’d venture to say that it may not so much be our <em>“love”</em> that gets in the way. Our <u>real love</u> would have us do what’s best for our child’s nurture, growth, and development, which we all understand on this forum (for our adult children) to be the loving detachment that allows them to learn from the consequences of their choices.</p><p></p><p>I have learned here over the past year that it is more often our own <strong>fear, obligation, guilt</strong> (FOG) that would have us keep enabling. And it’s often rather fear for ourselves (maybe more so than for them… ) and our own feeling of guilt that is uncomfortable for us, that we can’t bear.</p><p></p><p>All of us more or less detest the behaviors of our difficult children, and hate how it makes us feel. And we also fear the consequences of those behaviors (both the consequences to the kid of enabling them, and the consequences to ourselves (fear / guilt) of not enabling)</p><p></p><p></p><p>If we can’t bear to lose their “<em>love you”</em> and other necessary losses of our expectations, etc, with these difficult children, then our continued enabling may be more to protect ourselves (not our children) from the consequences that we fear and have guilt about.</p><p></p><p>I’m trying to work through these insights myself. It is surely a long learning process. It's hard to see through the FOG. See what the new day brings.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 701096, member: 19617"] I’d venture to say that it may not so much be our [I]“love”[/I] that gets in the way. Our [U]real love[/U] would have us do what’s best for our child’s nurture, growth, and development, which we all understand on this forum (for our adult children) to be the loving detachment that allows them to learn from the consequences of their choices. I have learned here over the past year that it is more often our own [B]fear, obligation, guilt[/B] (FOG) that would have us keep enabling. And it’s often rather fear for ourselves (maybe more so than for them… ) and our own feeling of guilt that is uncomfortable for us, that we can’t bear. All of us more or less detest the behaviors of our difficult children, and hate how it makes us feel. And we also fear the consequences of those behaviors (both the consequences to the kid of enabling them, and the consequences to ourselves (fear / guilt) of not enabling) If we can’t bear to lose their “[I]love you”[/I] and other necessary losses of our expectations, etc, with these difficult children, then our continued enabling may be more to protect ourselves (not our children) from the consequences that we fear and have guilt about. I’m trying to work through these insights myself. It is surely a long learning process. It's hard to see through the FOG. See what the new day brings. [/QUOTE]
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