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Another development, another update. Oy.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 616005" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I talked to difficult child daughter last night. She is not making any plans for what is to happen, next. The neighbor has told her he has room for both difficult child and difficult child granddaughter if we do not take them. difficult child's ex-husband has offered the same....</p><p></p><p>So, I suppose we are being roundly condemned by one and all, as usual.</p><p></p><p>difficult child has decided against foster care. Granddaughter appears to have accepted that she will live with her mother. Granddaughter's pain at our refusal to take her is very hard for us. </p><p></p><p>For me.</p><p></p><p>And for husband. </p><p></p><p>We are wavering, toying with old patterns of rescue and blame. </p><p> </p><p>Blame for all this has been placed squarely on husband, though I am the one who said "no" in no uncertain terms. This has been par for the course for poor husband. I have been such an enabler in the past that he was the one, in the past, who needed to step in and say no. In the past, pain or confusion in the voices of my children opened wallets and doors husband had closed and locked. This was a pattern for husband and I. He would say "no" knowing I would say "yes." So, he could say no and blame me for it. I could blame him for creating the situation by his heartlessness in the first place. Lots of blaming going around, lots of money going out...and still, the kids are in trouble.</p><p></p><p>That is the one stable thing I know. Whatever we did in the past has not helped, other than as a stopgap measure.</p><p></p><p>It is difficult to stay with the belief that turning away from our daughter now, after a beating which would never have happened had we simply taken responsibility for she and our granddaughter in the first place, is the right thing. </p><p></p><p>I don't know what we are going to do. </p><p></p><p>Money? So they can go to the ex-husband? </p><p></p><p>Take them in?</p><p></p><p>Let the neighbor take them in and deal with the consequences himself? He is clueless about so much of the history, here. I don't see a good outcome, but you never know. </p><p></p><p>I don't see a good outcome.</p><p></p><p>I reminded difficult child again last night that staying where she is long enough to be certain medical care is available if she needs it and setting up a social services network for herself and her daughter before coming here to heal and decide what to do next makes sense. </p><p></p><p>That is when she told me about the neighbor's offer, and about the ex-husband's offer. difficult child is very disappointed that husband and the neighbor did not head North this morning, as planned.</p><p></p><p>As you know, both my kids absolutely believe they would not be where they are in their lives had we been supportive enough. Even the beating difficult child just went through is, in a sense, our ultimate responsibility. Had we taken difficult child and granddaughter with us, without question, last Fall...she would not have gone back to granddaughter's father.</p><p></p><p>And though we gave them money, had the man in our home, discussed drug use and physical abuse and both the blessing and the commitment involved in creating a family and raising their daughter together...you know what happened. </p><p></p><p>It is difficult to know what to do.</p><p></p><p>Sitting with the feelings. </p><p></p><p>Posting does help. I am a little clearer on what is driving that almost overwhelming urge to just get them down here.</p><p></p><p>Guilt, and shame. Regret, that I did not insist that difficult child and granddaughter come with us last Fall. So, there is another little piece of the enabling puzzle. It isn't solely that we claim responsibility and take control for self aggrandizement.</p><p></p><p>I feel so guilty that this happened. I knew, I should have known. husband and I should not have gone South that winter when difficult child became so unstable. </p><p></p><p>I knew, I should have known. </p><p></p><p>That is what runs, like a brilliant scarlet thread, through the tapestry of the enabler.</p><p></p><p>I knew. I should have known.</p><p></p><p>I knew, I could have stopped this, could have changed this.</p><p></p><p>And I did nothing.</p><p></p><p>The only counter to these thoughts is that it was difficult child who chose the people she did, the drugs and the druggies and violent criminals, against our strenuous objections and even while we were still there. There would have been no way to stop her, just as there was no way to stop her when she chose to run from treatment and picked the bad man and homelessness over her kids and ex-husband. </p><p></p><p>There is a measure of strength in that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 616005, member: 17461"] I talked to difficult child daughter last night. She is not making any plans for what is to happen, next. The neighbor has told her he has room for both difficult child and difficult child granddaughter if we do not take them. difficult child's ex-husband has offered the same.... So, I suppose we are being roundly condemned by one and all, as usual. difficult child has decided against foster care. Granddaughter appears to have accepted that she will live with her mother. Granddaughter's pain at our refusal to take her is very hard for us. For me. And for husband. We are wavering, toying with old patterns of rescue and blame. Blame for all this has been placed squarely on husband, though I am the one who said "no" in no uncertain terms. This has been par for the course for poor husband. I have been such an enabler in the past that he was the one, in the past, who needed to step in and say no. In the past, pain or confusion in the voices of my children opened wallets and doors husband had closed and locked. This was a pattern for husband and I. He would say "no" knowing I would say "yes." So, he could say no and blame me for it. I could blame him for creating the situation by his heartlessness in the first place. Lots of blaming going around, lots of money going out...and still, the kids are in trouble. That is the one stable thing I know. Whatever we did in the past has not helped, other than as a stopgap measure. It is difficult to stay with the belief that turning away from our daughter now, after a beating which would never have happened had we simply taken responsibility for she and our granddaughter in the first place, is the right thing. I don't know what we are going to do. Money? So they can go to the ex-husband? Take them in? Let the neighbor take them in and deal with the consequences himself? He is clueless about so much of the history, here. I don't see a good outcome, but you never know. I don't see a good outcome. I reminded difficult child again last night that staying where she is long enough to be certain medical care is available if she needs it and setting up a social services network for herself and her daughter before coming here to heal and decide what to do next makes sense. That is when she told me about the neighbor's offer, and about the ex-husband's offer. difficult child is very disappointed that husband and the neighbor did not head North this morning, as planned. As you know, both my kids absolutely believe they would not be where they are in their lives had we been supportive enough. Even the beating difficult child just went through is, in a sense, our ultimate responsibility. Had we taken difficult child and granddaughter with us, without question, last Fall...she would not have gone back to granddaughter's father. And though we gave them money, had the man in our home, discussed drug use and physical abuse and both the blessing and the commitment involved in creating a family and raising their daughter together...you know what happened. It is difficult to know what to do. Sitting with the feelings. Posting does help. I am a little clearer on what is driving that almost overwhelming urge to just get them down here. Guilt, and shame. Regret, that I did not insist that difficult child and granddaughter come with us last Fall. So, there is another little piece of the enabling puzzle. It isn't solely that we claim responsibility and take control for self aggrandizement. I feel so guilty that this happened. I knew, I should have known. husband and I should not have gone South that winter when difficult child became so unstable. I knew, I should have known. That is what runs, like a brilliant scarlet thread, through the tapestry of the enabler. I knew. I should have known. I knew, I could have stopped this, could have changed this. And I did nothing. The only counter to these thoughts is that it was difficult child who chose the people she did, the drugs and the druggies and violent criminals, against our strenuous objections and even while we were still there. There would have been no way to stop her, just as there was no way to stop her when she chose to run from treatment and picked the bad man and homelessness over her kids and ex-husband. There is a measure of strength in that. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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