Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Another development, another update. Oy.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 616010" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>OK Cedar, I really want you to hear me now, so put on your listening ears and heads up!! YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THIS. WHATEVER CHOICES YOU MADE IN THE PAST DID NOT CREATE THE MESS YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN. Had you taken her anywhere, at any time, she will have found other abusers to do exactly what happened. She is the victim of abusers, not one abuser, any abuser she can find. All you are doing, each time you step in, is prolong the inevitable outcome whatever that is. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS CHOICES. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER <em>OR AUTHORITY</em> TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS FATE. </p><p></p><p>All of those thoughts you are wandering through now is old behavior which has a lot of power and is erupting with full force. The way your kids have both controlled you and husband is to blame you. Then you blame each other. Then you blame the kids. Then the kids blame you. The blame game. A bunch of negative feelings going on while no real positive, healthy action takes place. It's a good game to keep everyone stuck. Cut it out!</p><p></p><p>While you and husband ruminate about what is going to happen next, you are stuck in control and fear and anger and resentment and blame. Let it all go. There is nothing you need to do or even should be doing or could be doing. Your daughter has decided to let things ride for awhile, let it ride. Do not step in. She has options now which she needs to give some thought to. If she makes what you consider to be the wrong decision then so be it. It is HER LIFE not yours. While she is in the middle time, the time to wait and allow options to unfold it would be really good for you to allow this time without stepping in, controlling, offering options..........allow your daughter to be a grown up and figure this out for herself. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. Your daughter is in this place because of choices she has made. Allow her the adult option to wait, to figure it out, to discover for herself what she wants to do. While you all wait, other options will appear, but you need to give it time without stepping in to lessen the guilt you feel. You must sit with that guilt and recognize that it is an illusion to keep you behaving in the same manner over and over again. Step out of that place, step out of all of it and wait. If you can do that and not take any action, you will find that ideas, people, options and new thinking will occur. </p><p></p><p>If your neighbor and others are judging you, so what? Stop caring what others think of your parenting or your choices, they are not living your life, they have no right to judge you. We here know what you have gone through with your kids, for what? 20 years? 30 years? No one has any right to judge you Cedar. If you are letting that get to you, examine your own judgments of yourself. In my humble opinion you and husband have unrealistic expectations of yourselves, expectations to be the perfect, good, all wonderful parents..............in reality, we are all flawed human beings, none of us are those perfect parents. You did not create this Cedar, this is the destiny your kids created for themselves to learn something, to discover something for themselves..........don't take that away from them...............it seems so dramatic because I believe things get so dramatic when we do not change our behavior, when we make the same choices over and over again, with the exact same result.</p><p></p><p>The truth is you do not want your daughter or your granddaughter to live with you. That is the truth. That is what you and husband want. Your daughter needs to find her own way and you guys need to face the truth of what you really want. It is written all over your posts, each and every one...........but it seems because you feel you SHOULD take in your daughter you override what you want and give in to that illusion and then the blame game begins all over again.................All of the underlying negative feelings would go away if you follow what you want. Then you give your daughter the permission to do what she really wants. And your granddaughter too. The truth. </p><p></p><p>In the dynamic of the victim, rescuer, persecutor, the victim has all the power. Notice while daughter hangs out, everyone around her is scurrying around looking for answers.........remarkable power your daughter has................she is not stressing out the way everyone else is..............and she should be the only one stressing out, not you. A victims only power is over those who rescue her and then the dynamic turns to the victim persecuting the rescuer............it's an endless game. The only way to stop it is someone has to stop playing, someone has to walk out of the dynamic, then it can't work. Step out Cedar, stop allowing your daughter to control your life with her victim stance. Let her empower herself instead of being a perpetual victim. Perhaps she will learn to have healthier relationships with men then, instead of being the ultimate victim of abusers. </p><p></p><p>I feel extremely protective of you and husband. Each drama brings so much hurt to your door. You don't deserve that Cedar. Stay in the space of non doing and allow it to unfold. Big hugs for you and husband, geez, wishing you a day of peace.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 616010, member: 13542"] OK Cedar, I really want you to hear me now, so put on your listening ears and heads up!! YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THIS. WHATEVER CHOICES YOU MADE IN THE PAST DID NOT CREATE THE MESS YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN. Had you taken her anywhere, at any time, she will have found other abusers to do exactly what happened. She is the victim of abusers, not one abuser, any abuser she can find. All you are doing, each time you step in, is prolong the inevitable outcome whatever that is. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS CHOICES. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER [I]OR AUTHORITY[/I] TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSONS FATE. All of those thoughts you are wandering through now is old behavior which has a lot of power and is erupting with full force. The way your kids have both controlled you and husband is to blame you. Then you blame each other. Then you blame the kids. Then the kids blame you. The blame game. A bunch of negative feelings going on while no real positive, healthy action takes place. It's a good game to keep everyone stuck. Cut it out! While you and husband ruminate about what is going to happen next, you are stuck in control and fear and anger and resentment and blame. Let it all go. There is nothing you need to do or even should be doing or could be doing. Your daughter has decided to let things ride for awhile, let it ride. Do not step in. She has options now which she needs to give some thought to. If she makes what you consider to be the wrong decision then so be it. It is HER LIFE not yours. While she is in the middle time, the time to wait and allow options to unfold it would be really good for you to allow this time without stepping in, controlling, offering options..........allow your daughter to be a grown up and figure this out for herself. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. Your daughter is in this place because of choices she has made. Allow her the adult option to wait, to figure it out, to discover for herself what she wants to do. While you all wait, other options will appear, but you need to give it time without stepping in to lessen the guilt you feel. You must sit with that guilt and recognize that it is an illusion to keep you behaving in the same manner over and over again. Step out of that place, step out of all of it and wait. If you can do that and not take any action, you will find that ideas, people, options and new thinking will occur. If your neighbor and others are judging you, so what? Stop caring what others think of your parenting or your choices, they are not living your life, they have no right to judge you. We here know what you have gone through with your kids, for what? 20 years? 30 years? No one has any right to judge you Cedar. If you are letting that get to you, examine your own judgments of yourself. In my humble opinion you and husband have unrealistic expectations of yourselves, expectations to be the perfect, good, all wonderful parents..............in reality, we are all flawed human beings, none of us are those perfect parents. You did not create this Cedar, this is the destiny your kids created for themselves to learn something, to discover something for themselves..........don't take that away from them...............it seems so dramatic because I believe things get so dramatic when we do not change our behavior, when we make the same choices over and over again, with the exact same result. The truth is you do not want your daughter or your granddaughter to live with you. That is the truth. That is what you and husband want. Your daughter needs to find her own way and you guys need to face the truth of what you really want. It is written all over your posts, each and every one...........but it seems because you feel you SHOULD take in your daughter you override what you want and give in to that illusion and then the blame game begins all over again.................All of the underlying negative feelings would go away if you follow what you want. Then you give your daughter the permission to do what she really wants. And your granddaughter too. The truth. In the dynamic of the victim, rescuer, persecutor, the victim has all the power. Notice while daughter hangs out, everyone around her is scurrying around looking for answers.........remarkable power your daughter has................she is not stressing out the way everyone else is..............and she should be the only one stressing out, not you. A victims only power is over those who rescue her and then the dynamic turns to the victim persecuting the rescuer............it's an endless game. The only way to stop it is someone has to stop playing, someone has to walk out of the dynamic, then it can't work. Step out Cedar, stop allowing your daughter to control your life with her victim stance. Let her empower herself instead of being a perpetual victim. Perhaps she will learn to have healthier relationships with men then, instead of being the ultimate victim of abusers. I feel extremely protective of you and husband. Each drama brings so much hurt to your door. You don't deserve that Cedar. Stay in the space of non doing and allow it to unfold. Big hugs for you and husband, geez, wishing you a day of peace............. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Another development, another update. Oy.
Top