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Another development, another update. Oy.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 617082" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>What happened in court today with the guy who beat your difficult child? Did he get released? I am hoping he doesn't so your difficult child and her daughter can complete what they started where they are without you and husband. Seems like you need the time alone for awhile as your transform within your cocoon.</p><p></p><p>Well, I can see how <em>bad Cedar</em> will not put up with husband's verbal assaults.........good for bad Cedar. I think, as happened with my own daughter, as you change your response to husband and he is left bereft in that new empty space, growth happens.........and as we've discussed, everything changes. I am really proud of you Cedar, I love hearing about all of these changes.......you go girl! And, you too Greenrene.</p><p></p><p>Remember how I described the interaction with my daughter like a script, she had her lines, I had mine, and the script worked for us, sort of like a 'harmonious neurosis'..............but then I change the whole script and responded differently and did not allow myself to be harmed, disrespected, not valued and in fact, demanded appreciation and respect. Well, it took a while, but she responded differently and continues to do so. I changed. Then she changed. I still imagine she is uncomfortable around me, she isn't quite so sure of what the script is, so she is somewhat subdued. Since she used to take up all the air in the room this is quite the shift.</p><p></p><p>That shame thing is so interesting isn't it? When I read Brene Brown's take on that and how shame based people will throw their shame at you with criticism, judgment, one-up-man-ship, guilt, put downs, yuck...........but, when you no longer allow that shame to be dumped on you, they have to take it on themselves.............well that must suck! But for me? I have found it so freeing and such a relief. So, like in Greerene's pool, they get out or they learn to swim with you...............cool. Even cooler is I totally know how to swim alone so I am GOOD.</p><p></p><p>You do deserve better Cedar, you ALWAYS did. It was you (us) who allowed or settled for bad behavior. But, as SO says now, "there's a new Sheriff in town, so heads up everyone!" It always makes me laugh because I am the bad cop now!!!</p><p></p><p>I like this script way, way better. I have a real sense of my own personal power and value. Not from a place of above anyone, just the best ME I can be all by myself.......</p><p></p><p>Cedar, it again occurs to me that you are making this major change in your life in a short amount of time, rather quickly. As I've said, I've done this over many years. Your relationships are changing as they must to include the new you who is quite a bit larger and takes up a lot more space.................over many, many years I have changed and let many relationships go.............casualties of my growth.............many family members, close, old friends.............we no longer travel in the same orbit, so I had to let go and move forward. That is one of the most challenging things for me in terms of growth..............you do in fact leave relationships if they cannot be fluid and shift with the new tides. Or if they flow with you, you can create a really solid, healthy, fun connection.</p><p></p><p>Just a little aside...........I am 6 hours south of home with my granddaughter, SO, granddaughter's best friend and her best friend's Mom. We are in the college town the girls are interested in being in next year. It is beautiful here, on the water, near the mountains, and the girls are beside themselves with JOY. We are having fun. We're going to be here for a few days..............</p><p></p><p>And to check in and hear how you guys are doing completes the day in a really good way............</p><p></p><p>Interesting dreams by the way...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 617082, member: 13542"] What happened in court today with the guy who beat your difficult child? Did he get released? I am hoping he doesn't so your difficult child and her daughter can complete what they started where they are without you and husband. Seems like you need the time alone for awhile as your transform within your cocoon. Well, I can see how [I]bad Cedar[/I] will not put up with husband's verbal assaults.........good for bad Cedar. I think, as happened with my own daughter, as you change your response to husband and he is left bereft in that new empty space, growth happens.........and as we've discussed, everything changes. I am really proud of you Cedar, I love hearing about all of these changes.......you go girl! And, you too Greenrene. Remember how I described the interaction with my daughter like a script, she had her lines, I had mine, and the script worked for us, sort of like a 'harmonious neurosis'..............but then I change the whole script and responded differently and did not allow myself to be harmed, disrespected, not valued and in fact, demanded appreciation and respect. Well, it took a while, but she responded differently and continues to do so. I changed. Then she changed. I still imagine she is uncomfortable around me, she isn't quite so sure of what the script is, so she is somewhat subdued. Since she used to take up all the air in the room this is quite the shift. That shame thing is so interesting isn't it? When I read Brene Brown's take on that and how shame based people will throw their shame at you with criticism, judgment, one-up-man-ship, guilt, put downs, yuck...........but, when you no longer allow that shame to be dumped on you, they have to take it on themselves.............well that must suck! But for me? I have found it so freeing and such a relief. So, like in Greerene's pool, they get out or they learn to swim with you...............cool. Even cooler is I totally know how to swim alone so I am GOOD. You do deserve better Cedar, you ALWAYS did. It was you (us) who allowed or settled for bad behavior. But, as SO says now, "there's a new Sheriff in town, so heads up everyone!" It always makes me laugh because I am the bad cop now!!! I like this script way, way better. I have a real sense of my own personal power and value. Not from a place of above anyone, just the best ME I can be all by myself....... Cedar, it again occurs to me that you are making this major change in your life in a short amount of time, rather quickly. As I've said, I've done this over many years. Your relationships are changing as they must to include the new you who is quite a bit larger and takes up a lot more space.................over many, many years I have changed and let many relationships go.............casualties of my growth.............many family members, close, old friends.............we no longer travel in the same orbit, so I had to let go and move forward. That is one of the most challenging things for me in terms of growth..............you do in fact leave relationships if they cannot be fluid and shift with the new tides. Or if they flow with you, you can create a really solid, healthy, fun connection. Just a little aside...........I am 6 hours south of home with my granddaughter, SO, granddaughter's best friend and her best friend's Mom. We are in the college town the girls are interested in being in next year. It is beautiful here, on the water, near the mountains, and the girls are beside themselves with JOY. We are having fun. We're going to be here for a few days.............. And to check in and hear how you guys are doing completes the day in a really good way............ Interesting dreams by the way........... [/QUOTE]
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