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Another development, another update. Oy.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 617891" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Yes Cedar, I have felt that. I recall saying to myself and anyone who would listen to me that, <em>none of this was my fault, I had nothing to do with any of it with my daughter.</em>............it was always ALL on her shoulders. That was after I had to admit to myself exactly who she is, not who I thought she was.............as you have recently done with both of your children. I think when we can look at them and see them for who they are, not the children we see, or the helpless victims they pretend to be, or the wronged party they always end up being.................but see the major manipulating, secretive, deceptive, lying, entitled characters they really usually are.................then we start seeing the truth everywhere............ugly realizations/liberating realizations, all in one.</p><p></p><p>Then, for me, once I could see the truth, I started seeing, like you are, how I in fact chose my daughter's perceptions over my own well being.................... and that then changed..............I began focusing on me and what I needed and wanted. Liberation, self love and self care all multiplying at warp speed...........</p><p></p><p>We are NOT tied to our parents and our children, they are separate human beings having their own experience based on their own choices. <em>We are not responsible for any of it. </em>And, now that I am through that tunnel, I believe that when we take that responsibility from another, EVERYONE LOSES.</p><p></p><p>I made that journey differently then you have. I separated from each individual in my family of origin over a rather long period of time...............starting with my brother, then my sister, then my mother, then my daughter............and along the way, a couple of friends and jobs and other people and things went away as casualties of my growth.............with each it was similar and yet with my daughter it was the most difficult and devastating to me................and the sense of freedom and self love now has grown proportionately. </p><p></p><p>Out of the fog, seeing things as they really are, not colored by our own internal need to take it on, our own false persona or their false persona...................the end of harmonious neurosis and the beginning of healthy relationships.............or in some cases, the ending of unhealthy relationships altogether. I could only stay in relationships where the commitment to change was also present in the other..............no commitment to change..... I booked. My motto has been, <em>"unconscious people are hazardous to my health."</em></p><p></p><p>For some of us, in particular on the PE side, where our kids are older adults............ looking at our <u>own</u> childhood "stuff" our own enabling patterns, our own wounding and hurts is the only way we can change the unhealthy patterns with our difficult child's and begin the healing process. Often detaching from our family members forces us to change..............or not, we can always stay the same, it's our choice.</p><p></p><p>And, I think we can then let go of judgment, have compassion for those we have to detach from, but recognize, it is not our burden to change them, it is theirs. We don't have to rail against what monsters they were or are, how much they harmed us or did us wrong, they did what they did, we recognized it, we detached, we let it go and we accept what is. It's over.</p><p></p><p>Which brings us to a new chapter in our lives................without all of that angst, we have a lot of time, energy, new commitments, new thinking................this love for oneself is an awesome, inspiring, remarkable development...........my acupuncturist used to tell me that I had no idea what peace and relaxation in my body was............all that worrying about others all the time...............well, it's gone now..............I feel that peace...........it used to be fleeting but now it's moved in...............that was my goal, to find peace and to learn acceptance.</p><p></p><p>What is your goal now Cedar? What do YOU want?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 617891, member: 13542"] Yes Cedar, I have felt that. I recall saying to myself and anyone who would listen to me that, [I]none of this was my fault, I had nothing to do with any of it with my daughter.[/I]............it was always ALL on her shoulders. That was after I had to admit to myself exactly who she is, not who I thought she was.............as you have recently done with both of your children. I think when we can look at them and see them for who they are, not the children we see, or the helpless victims they pretend to be, or the wronged party they always end up being.................but see the major manipulating, secretive, deceptive, lying, entitled characters they really usually are.................then we start seeing the truth everywhere............ugly realizations/liberating realizations, all in one. Then, for me, once I could see the truth, I started seeing, like you are, how I in fact chose my daughter's perceptions over my own well being.................... and that then changed..............I began focusing on me and what I needed and wanted. Liberation, self love and self care all multiplying at warp speed........... We are NOT tied to our parents and our children, they are separate human beings having their own experience based on their own choices. [I]We are not responsible for any of it. [/I]And, now that I am through that tunnel, I believe that when we take that responsibility from another, EVERYONE LOSES. I made that journey differently then you have. I separated from each individual in my family of origin over a rather long period of time...............starting with my brother, then my sister, then my mother, then my daughter............and along the way, a couple of friends and jobs and other people and things went away as casualties of my growth.............with each it was similar and yet with my daughter it was the most difficult and devastating to me................and the sense of freedom and self love now has grown proportionately. Out of the fog, seeing things as they really are, not colored by our own internal need to take it on, our own false persona or their false persona...................the end of harmonious neurosis and the beginning of healthy relationships.............or in some cases, the ending of unhealthy relationships altogether. I could only stay in relationships where the commitment to change was also present in the other..............no commitment to change..... I booked. My motto has been, [I]"unconscious people are hazardous to my health."[/I] For some of us, in particular on the PE side, where our kids are older adults............ looking at our [U]own[/U] childhood "stuff" our own enabling patterns, our own wounding and hurts is the only way we can change the unhealthy patterns with our difficult child's and begin the healing process. Often detaching from our family members forces us to change..............or not, we can always stay the same, it's our choice. And, I think we can then let go of judgment, have compassion for those we have to detach from, but recognize, it is not our burden to change them, it is theirs. We don't have to rail against what monsters they were or are, how much they harmed us or did us wrong, they did what they did, we recognized it, we detached, we let it go and we accept what is. It's over. Which brings us to a new chapter in our lives................without all of that angst, we have a lot of time, energy, new commitments, new thinking................this love for oneself is an awesome, inspiring, remarkable development...........my acupuncturist used to tell me that I had no idea what peace and relaxation in my body was............all that worrying about others all the time...............well, it's gone now..............I feel that peace...........it used to be fleeting but now it's moved in...............that was my goal, to find peace and to learn acceptance. What is your goal now Cedar? What do YOU want? [/QUOTE]
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