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<blockquote data-quote="Beta" data-source="post: 766545" data-attributes="member: 22597">I don't blame you for not wanting to know. I wish I didn't know. Sometimes I'll think of Josh, and I'll start to text him. Then I remember with a start that I can't do that because he no longer has a phone.&nbsp; And I feel the pit of my stomach lurch inside of me once again and the &quot;what if's&quot; hit my mind. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he is not reachable in normal ways and that this has happened to him and to us. I think I have done this, for the most part. At least, enough to be able to go to work and carry out my responsibilities each day. I compartmentalize.&nbsp; But once that's done, it comes rushing in again.&nbsp; On my way to and from work, there's a homeless man who is often lying on the side of a convenience store.&nbsp; That hurts to see that.&nbsp; I have flashbacks of Josh at different times of life, different conversations and circumstances. I daydream sometimes about how wonderful it would be to turn the clock back to when he was a little boy and start over.&nbsp;&nbsp; I'm terrified that the phone call will come, and there will no longer be hope.&nbsp;&nbsp; I function but there's a low level of depression that I live with that I keep under wraps when I'm around other people who don't know about our son. I don't think I can ever really move on or give up trying to find him or persuade him, and that's depressing because it's hard to live this way. It alters you, as you well know, and it alters your relationships, and not necessarily in a good way.&nbsp; I don't know what else to do but to keep doing what I've been doing so I will probably file another of the missing person's reports and hope and pray that this time something good will happen.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Beta, post: 766545, member: 22597"] I don't blame you for not wanting to know. I wish I didn't know. Sometimes I'll think of Josh, and I'll start to text him. Then I remember with a start that I can't do that because he no longer has a phone. And I feel the pit of my stomach lurch inside of me once again and the "what if's" hit my mind. I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that he is not reachable in normal ways and that this has happened to him and to us. I think I have done this, for the most part. At least, enough to be able to go to work and carry out my responsibilities each day. I compartmentalize. But once that's done, it comes rushing in again. On my way to and from work, there's a homeless man who is often lying on the side of a convenience store. That hurts to see that. I have flashbacks of Josh at different times of life, different conversations and circumstances. I daydream sometimes about how wonderful it would be to turn the clock back to when he was a little boy and start over. I'm terrified that the phone call will come, and there will no longer be hope. I function but there's a low level of depression that I live with that I keep under wraps when I'm around other people who don't know about our son. I don't think I can ever really move on or give up trying to find him or persuade him, and that's depressing because it's hard to live this way. It alters you, as you well know, and it alters your relationships, and not necessarily in a good way. I don't know what else to do but to keep doing what I've been doing so I will probably file another of the missing person's reports and hope and pray that this time something good will happen. [/QUOTE]

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