If I understand your question correctly, I can tell you that family is very important to me. I work hard to keep things healthy and cohesive. My easy child was beginning to act as if difficult child didn't exist. He was depersonalizing him as someone who didn't belong to us. While I understand the normal progression of his annoyance and anger with difficult child, he is still my child and I won't toss him out to the wolves to suit anyone. Not easy child, not husband and not anyone. He will always be connected to us in a way that is healthy for him and for us.
My difficult child was born with incredibly difficult genes. It affects their whole life because they can't learn normal life lessons. It may seem that they are being lazy but in our case, he just doesn't get it. Doesn't remember it or can't grasp the significance of doing it. He shouldn't be penalized or lose his family over it. difficult child isn't always comfortable to be around and I tell him that. He will never learn better social skills if no one points out the obvious while he is doing it. easy child will either learn to get over the fact he has a disabled brother or he will always carry a chip on his shoulder. Since they are apart they are talking a bit more like they used to.
Sometimes I think easy child wants to be close to us and shut difficult child out so that our relationship is special to compensate for those years when it seemed difficult child was sucking up all the relationship energy. We were locked in a death roll or so it seemed and we were all trying to survive. We do give easy child a great deal of attention and he is a great kid but he would like to be able to make life simple by blaming difficult child for difficult child's own troubles.
I think telling them that it hurts you for your child to be ostracized completely is a good way to make younger kids understand that all of them are important to you. I figure no matter what easy child does he will know that I wouldn't turn my back since it's nothing like difficult child. LOL. Mother love isn't based on kids perfect behavior. It's deeper than that. I appreciate easy child more because he is a good kid but love is there for both of them.
As far as telling agencies the degree of disability that difficult child has. I'm torn. I usually tell them what I think they need to know for services. I don't have the burden of worry about a grand child. Your daughter is not a fit parent and truth be told, she may never physically or sexually abuse him but neglect is still abuse. Unfortunately, cps will have to learn all of this from their own experience. You telling them will make difficult child hostile and the agency may not believe you.
