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anxiety over difficult child picking up his stuff
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsieshaye" data-source="post: 477450" data-attributes="member: 12928"><p>I should know better than to read anything DS sends me now, but of course I did. I feel like throwing up - his version of what happened and mine are so completely different that it's hard to believe we were both there for the same events. </p><p></p><p>"Ma I was gonna tell you this, when I came up for my things. but since you sent them down already, i'm emailing you instead. I don't think you understand the degree at which you hurt me. Hustling for food was the easy part, but the feelings of abandonment were the hardest with which to deal. I know you told the resident manager that you felt your life was in danger because of me. I know that she banned me from the property. I heard this not from her, not from you, but NeighborName in the complex. they seemed to think that I was physical. And as far as I know, ma, you were the only one that ever raised a fist in our relationship. I now know why the lil things you did disgusted me. My gut was telling me that the real issue was our relationship, not dad and mine's. I can't find the words to describe what I think of you now. They only one's that come to mind are selfish, coward, and manipulative. I was in your life to boost your self-esteem. I was your lil' trophy of who the perfect mother is. this explains why you would always worry about whether or not you were doing a good job. And when I told you that you were, I was lying. But not with Malintent. You're my ma, and said you were out of loyalty. I don't think you understand how much I trusted you despite you not having my back when I was 11, when I was 14, when i was in school. You disregarded a sacred virtue, ma. You took my loyalty and you kicked out the apartment with me, you're own blood. you neglected. I'm trying to reconcile my anger. Dad seems to think your "ill." I'm hesitant to believe that. I think you have a lot you have to figure out right now, just as I do. But I'm not ready to think you ill. I'm also not ready to forgive you ma. BUt I do want an apology. I want a gesture that you actually care, that you're not the selfish coward, I've seen in these past dark months. I was testy when you called the other day, because I felt disrespected, that you called me with such glee, with now apology, no curiosity in to how I'm feeling, how I'm holding up. I felt disrespected that you jumped straight into moving logistics. Ma, I need to know if those 17 hours of labor meant something to you or if I'm just another brick in the wall for you, disposable when i don't serve your needs. If you could give me that, I'd much appreciate it."</p><p></p><p>There were two occasions in the last two years where I did "raise a fist" to difficult child - literally, that's what I did. I didn't hit him, but I did brandish my fist in anger and take a step towards him. And, once I slammed my hand down on his laptop (I had asked him if I could use it, and while I was we ended up having an argument about something). He knows I feel really horrible about losing my temper like that, because I always worked hard to keep myself reined in, no matter how much he was raging. Really, I feel completely done with him, and I am so glad that they didn't come up here. I have zero interest in ever speaking to him again. Part of me knows that I will miss him at some point, but right now he sounds and acts so much like his father that I want to write him off. I know I won't feel that way forever, and I understand that from his perspective he is very angry and wants to hurt me as much as he feels hurt. I also know that his father is feeding his rage for his own reasons. (The "she's sick" thing is a recurring theme with him - any time I said no to him or set a boundary, it was evidence that I'm "sick".)</p><p></p><p>Right after that, there was also another email where he was asking me politely to send him a hardcopy of our new insurance cards, written in an almost poetic way. I wonder if he was high when he wrote it? The entitlement and surreal quality of dealing with difficult child makes my head spin. And, of course, I'm now second-guessing myself and feeling like a monster.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsieshaye, post: 477450, member: 12928"] I should know better than to read anything DS sends me now, but of course I did. I feel like throwing up - his version of what happened and mine are so completely different that it's hard to believe we were both there for the same events. "Ma I was gonna tell you this, when I came up for my things. but since you sent them down already, i'm emailing you instead. I don't think you understand the degree at which you hurt me. Hustling for food was the easy part, but the feelings of abandonment were the hardest with which to deal. I know you told the resident manager that you felt your life was in danger because of me. I know that she banned me from the property. I heard this not from her, not from you, but NeighborName in the complex. they seemed to think that I was physical. And as far as I know, ma, you were the only one that ever raised a fist in our relationship. I now know why the lil things you did disgusted me. My gut was telling me that the real issue was our relationship, not dad and mine's. I can't find the words to describe what I think of you now. They only one's that come to mind are selfish, coward, and manipulative. I was in your life to boost your self-esteem. I was your lil' trophy of who the perfect mother is. this explains why you would always worry about whether or not you were doing a good job. And when I told you that you were, I was lying. But not with Malintent. You're my ma, and said you were out of loyalty. I don't think you understand how much I trusted you despite you not having my back when I was 11, when I was 14, when i was in school. You disregarded a sacred virtue, ma. You took my loyalty and you kicked out the apartment with me, you're own blood. you neglected. I'm trying to reconcile my anger. Dad seems to think your "ill." I'm hesitant to believe that. I think you have a lot you have to figure out right now, just as I do. But I'm not ready to think you ill. I'm also not ready to forgive you ma. BUt I do want an apology. I want a gesture that you actually care, that you're not the selfish coward, I've seen in these past dark months. I was testy when you called the other day, because I felt disrespected, that you called me with such glee, with now apology, no curiosity in to how I'm feeling, how I'm holding up. I felt disrespected that you jumped straight into moving logistics. Ma, I need to know if those 17 hours of labor meant something to you or if I'm just another brick in the wall for you, disposable when i don't serve your needs. If you could give me that, I'd much appreciate it." There were two occasions in the last two years where I did "raise a fist" to difficult child - literally, that's what I did. I didn't hit him, but I did brandish my fist in anger and take a step towards him. And, once I slammed my hand down on his laptop (I had asked him if I could use it, and while I was we ended up having an argument about something). He knows I feel really horrible about losing my temper like that, because I always worked hard to keep myself reined in, no matter how much he was raging. Really, I feel completely done with him, and I am so glad that they didn't come up here. I have zero interest in ever speaking to him again. Part of me knows that I will miss him at some point, but right now he sounds and acts so much like his father that I want to write him off. I know I won't feel that way forever, and I understand that from his perspective he is very angry and wants to hurt me as much as he feels hurt. I also know that his father is feeding his rage for his own reasons. (The "she's sick" thing is a recurring theme with him - any time I said no to him or set a boundary, it was evidence that I'm "sick".) Right after that, there was also another email where he was asking me politely to send him a hardcopy of our new insurance cards, written in an almost poetic way. I wonder if he was high when he wrote it? The entitlement and surreal quality of dealing with difficult child makes my head spin. And, of course, I'm now second-guessing myself and feeling like a monster. [/QUOTE]
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