Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Anyone else's child argue/ say the opposite of EVERYTHING, like a compulsion?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 456403" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I would not be too hasty to discard the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis. The other labels suggested are often found in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) anyway, so I can't see why they would say it's mutually exclusive.</p><p></p><p>ODD - I hate that tag, because it implies that the child is choosing to be difficult. I also increasingly believe that the classic ODD as described, is something we tend to cause in our children (obviously not intentionally!) because the parenting methods we might be using, which would be perfectly okay (often recommended) for most kids, actually work against our difficult children purely because of te nature of their underlying disability, whatever it may be.</p><p></p><p>In other words - you are not bad parents, but something you are doing, or someone is doing, is somehow making this worse even though this doesn't always seem to make sense.</p><p></p><p>This has been going on since he began to talk - interesting. Was he language-delayed?</p><p></p><p>WHat can happen with this kind of behaviour, especially when it first starts and especially if you don't think there are any problems, is that you tend to correct the child gently. As you do, as anyone would do. "No, dear, it's not blue, that colour is red." We instruct.</p><p></p><p>But for some reason, your son feels a desperate need to be contrary. This flies in the face of everything I generally say about ODD, makes a liar out of me! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>What I think might be happening - Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids find life VERY frustrating and their "terrible twos" last a lot longer, are a lot worse and don't necessarily hit at age 2. I'm wondering if being deliberately contrary was his way of trying to cope with the ager and frustration. If so, it was very creative and indicative of a very bright kid in there somewhere. </p><p></p><p>Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids can get very inventive in their coping skills. However, those coping skills are not always very effective or very appropriate. These are kids, after all, they are trying to find some way of managing their problems and they don't have a wealth of experience to draw on. Even when you try to help them, it can take a long time for the penny to drop.</p><p>For example - when difficult child 3 was about 8 years old, he saw a therapist who, among other things, explained to him about deep breathing to help reduce his anxiety. We even wrote out the instructions on a card. I stuck the card behind the toilet door - a major learning centre in our house. We use any sitting time as thinking time.</p><p>Over the years I've tried to touch base with breathing techniques for difficult child 3 to no avail. Admittedly, his anxiety at times has been so extreme that we actually risk developing a conditioned response AGAINST any coping strategy we try to use; he feels sick, we suggest deep breathing, he associates deep breathing with nausea.</p><p>A few months ago his current therapist suggested deep breathing. She wanted to go through a breathing exercise with him. He was loudly hostile, almost to the point where she suggested there was no point her continuing to see him if he was going to be so negative. She still gave him a printout of her instructions.</p><p>Last therapist session he told her, rather sheepishly, that he had tried the deep breathing and found it worked. Moreover, he had been online gaming with a friend form somewhere in the world, and the friend began to get upset. difficult child 3 told the friend to take some deep breaths. He said it seemed to help the friend, too.</p><p>So from something we introduced when he was 8 - he's almost 18 and he is finally beginning to get it...</p><p></p><p>A suggestion with your son - where possible, stop trying to counter what he says. Instead, try agreeing with him. Even if it is ridiculous. In fact, play on the ridiculous, as if he is playing a game. "Of course there are no people in that aisle..." [when there are crowds]. "...I wonder how this store can manage to stay open, with so little business." Develop this further. "We must be the only people in the store, isn't it nice to have the place to ourselves?"</p><p>Or you could engage someone in conversation and perhaps say to him that you were actually talking to yourself.</p><p>I suspect initially this will confuse him and could make him angry. But if you keep this light and even fun, he might relax and begin to think about why he has to be opposite.</p><p></p><p>I'm also wondering what happens if you ask him, "Why do you feel you have to say the opposite of what I do? Do you need to be right? Or do you need me to be wrong? How does this make you feel? Does it feel better, or does it make you feel angrier inside? How can we make this easier for you?"</p><p></p><p>Focus on how he feels, and how he wants to feel. These kids tend to learn to detach from their feelings because they can be so overwhelming. I'm thinking that deep down (maybe not so deep down!) he is very angry, and is trying to make his anger (in his mind) to be due to your always saying the opposite of what HE says! A lot of kids (including TTs) do this; they pick a fight with their parents in order to have the perfect excuse to flounce off and sulk, perhaps because they just broke up with their best friend and want to share the misery.</p><p></p><p>But avoid, at least for a while, buying into the to and fro. it's like a tug of war game - when you pull on your end of the rope and he pulls on his, the game is on. But if you let go the rope, he falls over backwards. Or is left standing there holding one end of a rope, and feeling a bit foolish.</p><p></p><p>Let is know how you get on with this, or if you have already tried it to no avail.</p><p></p><p>And it's good to see you on the surface at last! Welcome!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 456403, member: 1991"] I would not be too hasty to discard the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis. The other labels suggested are often found in Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) anyway, so I can't see why they would say it's mutually exclusive. ODD - I hate that tag, because it implies that the child is choosing to be difficult. I also increasingly believe that the classic ODD as described, is something we tend to cause in our children (obviously not intentionally!) because the parenting methods we might be using, which would be perfectly okay (often recommended) for most kids, actually work against our difficult children purely because of te nature of their underlying disability, whatever it may be. In other words - you are not bad parents, but something you are doing, or someone is doing, is somehow making this worse even though this doesn't always seem to make sense. This has been going on since he began to talk - interesting. Was he language-delayed? WHat can happen with this kind of behaviour, especially when it first starts and especially if you don't think there are any problems, is that you tend to correct the child gently. As you do, as anyone would do. "No, dear, it's not blue, that colour is red." We instruct. But for some reason, your son feels a desperate need to be contrary. This flies in the face of everything I generally say about ODD, makes a liar out of me! :) What I think might be happening - Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids find life VERY frustrating and their "terrible twos" last a lot longer, are a lot worse and don't necessarily hit at age 2. I'm wondering if being deliberately contrary was his way of trying to cope with the ager and frustration. If so, it was very creative and indicative of a very bright kid in there somewhere. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids can get very inventive in their coping skills. However, those coping skills are not always very effective or very appropriate. These are kids, after all, they are trying to find some way of managing their problems and they don't have a wealth of experience to draw on. Even when you try to help them, it can take a long time for the penny to drop. For example - when difficult child 3 was about 8 years old, he saw a therapist who, among other things, explained to him about deep breathing to help reduce his anxiety. We even wrote out the instructions on a card. I stuck the card behind the toilet door - a major learning centre in our house. We use any sitting time as thinking time. Over the years I've tried to touch base with breathing techniques for difficult child 3 to no avail. Admittedly, his anxiety at times has been so extreme that we actually risk developing a conditioned response AGAINST any coping strategy we try to use; he feels sick, we suggest deep breathing, he associates deep breathing with nausea. A few months ago his current therapist suggested deep breathing. She wanted to go through a breathing exercise with him. He was loudly hostile, almost to the point where she suggested there was no point her continuing to see him if he was going to be so negative. She still gave him a printout of her instructions. Last therapist session he told her, rather sheepishly, that he had tried the deep breathing and found it worked. Moreover, he had been online gaming with a friend form somewhere in the world, and the friend began to get upset. difficult child 3 told the friend to take some deep breaths. He said it seemed to help the friend, too. So from something we introduced when he was 8 - he's almost 18 and he is finally beginning to get it... A suggestion with your son - where possible, stop trying to counter what he says. Instead, try agreeing with him. Even if it is ridiculous. In fact, play on the ridiculous, as if he is playing a game. "Of course there are no people in that aisle..." [when there are crowds]. "...I wonder how this store can manage to stay open, with so little business." Develop this further. "We must be the only people in the store, isn't it nice to have the place to ourselves?" Or you could engage someone in conversation and perhaps say to him that you were actually talking to yourself. I suspect initially this will confuse him and could make him angry. But if you keep this light and even fun, he might relax and begin to think about why he has to be opposite. I'm also wondering what happens if you ask him, "Why do you feel you have to say the opposite of what I do? Do you need to be right? Or do you need me to be wrong? How does this make you feel? Does it feel better, or does it make you feel angrier inside? How can we make this easier for you?" Focus on how he feels, and how he wants to feel. These kids tend to learn to detach from their feelings because they can be so overwhelming. I'm thinking that deep down (maybe not so deep down!) he is very angry, and is trying to make his anger (in his mind) to be due to your always saying the opposite of what HE says! A lot of kids (including TTs) do this; they pick a fight with their parents in order to have the perfect excuse to flounce off and sulk, perhaps because they just broke up with their best friend and want to share the misery. But avoid, at least for a while, buying into the to and fro. it's like a tug of war game - when you pull on your end of the rope and he pulls on his, the game is on. But if you let go the rope, he falls over backwards. Or is left standing there holding one end of a rope, and feeling a bit foolish. Let is know how you get on with this, or if you have already tried it to no avail. And it's good to see you on the surface at last! Welcome! Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Anyone else's child argue/ say the opposite of EVERYTHING, like a compulsion?
Top