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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 669347" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Lil,</p><p></p><p>It was a fate worse than death to have my son in my town. I am so grateful that he is gone from here and has been stable for 5 weeks or so a 3 or 4 hour train ride from here. Thankfully, he hated it here.</p><p></p><p>You are absolutely correct to make firm boundaries from the beginning. For yourself and for him. Their MO is so destructive. I know the intent is not to destroy, but the secondary effects are so destructive. And I am wondering if it really enters their heads how it really hurts. Or even if they care.</p><p></p><p>This is such a painful kind of love. I ask myself over and over again how it came to this. My relationship with my son was such a joy to both of us.</p><p></p><p>When he said he wanted to come home for his birthday, I dreaded the idea, and M forbade it. It turned out it was a ruse. He had left something he wanted in town, and I guess he wanted a subsidized train ride.</p><p></p><p>There is so little joy in thinking of him or even speaking to him. He has been the love of my life. I cannot come to grips with how I feel now, compared to before. I think I actually fear my son. Not that he will hurt me, but because he has caused me such hurt...and while it is less so, it continues.</p><p></p><p>I understand how you must feel, Lil. Defend yourself and take care of yourself.</p><p></p><p>I read this through and I sound so defeated. I know it is a process and my role and responsibility in it is to be hopeful and affirming and to demonstrate confidence. I try.</p><p></p><p>I am making a confession. The cost to me has been dreadful. I do not know what this says about me. I am ambivalent about posting something so true.</p><p></p><p>So, I clicked above and went to another thread. And saw this: A reminder of my purpose:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2782.Viktor_E_Frankl" target="_blank">Viktor E. Frankl</a>, <em><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3389674" target="_blank">Man's Search for Meaning</a>-</em></p><p>“It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”</p><p></p><p>So, I get out of this that my expectations of myself and my son are getting in the way. And this is what I need to get clear about. To identify what those are and to let go of attachments to expectations of myself and my child, that I seem to be using to hurt myself, and probably him.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 669347, member: 18958"] Hi Lil, It was a fate worse than death to have my son in my town. I am so grateful that he is gone from here and has been stable for 5 weeks or so a 3 or 4 hour train ride from here. Thankfully, he hated it here. You are absolutely correct to make firm boundaries from the beginning. For yourself and for him. Their MO is so destructive. I know the intent is not to destroy, but the secondary effects are so destructive. And I am wondering if it really enters their heads how it really hurts. Or even if they care. This is such a painful kind of love. I ask myself over and over again how it came to this. My relationship with my son was such a joy to both of us. When he said he wanted to come home for his birthday, I dreaded the idea, and M forbade it. It turned out it was a ruse. He had left something he wanted in town, and I guess he wanted a subsidized train ride. There is so little joy in thinking of him or even speaking to him. He has been the love of my life. I cannot come to grips with how I feel now, compared to before. I think I actually fear my son. Not that he will hurt me, but because he has caused me such hurt...and while it is less so, it continues. I understand how you must feel, Lil. Defend yourself and take care of yourself. I read this through and I sound so defeated. I know it is a process and my role and responsibility in it is to be hopeful and affirming and to demonstrate confidence. I try. I am making a confession. The cost to me has been dreadful. I do not know what this says about me. I am ambivalent about posting something so true. So, I clicked above and went to another thread. And saw this: A reminder of my purpose: [URL='http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2782.Viktor_E_Frankl']Viktor E. Frankl[/URL], [I][URL='http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3389674']Man's Search for Meaning[/URL]-[/I] “It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.” So, I get out of this that my expectations of myself and my son are getting in the way. And this is what I need to get clear about. To identify what those are and to let go of attachments to expectations of myself and my child, that I seem to be using to hurt myself, and probably him. COPA [/QUOTE]
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