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Parent Emeritus
Ashamed, Confused, A Mess
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 754600" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>Hi Overwhelmed,</p><p>I allowed my daughter control over me also and for me, it was about people pleasing, wanting to be liked, and fear of abandonment. Giving our power away, however, is not love and does not get us love.</p><p></p><p>Some books and resources that have helped me are "Growing yourself up" by Jenny Brown and "Emotional blackmail" by Susan Forward along with Jerry Wise relationship systems on YouTube (free). He has a great video on narcissistic adult children and on how to let everyone around you grow up which are very helpful .</p><p></p><p>You are doing the best you can do. Until you are ready to deal with the underlying issues of your behaviors, you will continue to do what you do and no guilt in the world will change or fix that . Guilt is a useless emotion for this type of scenario because guilt keeps you stuck and perpetuates the behaviors which (while they do not serve you and you are aware of this) make you feel better in the moment. Accepting ourselves with our current behaviors is the platform that will allow change. </p><p></p><p>Setting boundaries, saying no, asserting your needs, wants, opinions, and preferences feel scary at first. It is allowing this uncomfortability and sitting with those Feelings that will grow you and change you, slowly. I personally would not have been able to start doing that without Al-Anon. </p><p></p><p>You have a great deal of awareness .Start bringing the focus on you and what you need and baby steps towards change will start to happen for you .</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 754600, member: 24254"] Hi Overwhelmed, I allowed my daughter control over me also and for me, it was about people pleasing, wanting to be liked, and fear of abandonment. Giving our power away, however, is not love and does not get us love. Some books and resources that have helped me are "Growing yourself up" by Jenny Brown and "Emotional blackmail" by Susan Forward along with Jerry Wise relationship systems on YouTube (free). He has a great video on narcissistic adult children and on how to let everyone around you grow up which are very helpful . You are doing the best you can do. Until you are ready to deal with the underlying issues of your behaviors, you will continue to do what you do and no guilt in the world will change or fix that . Guilt is a useless emotion for this type of scenario because guilt keeps you stuck and perpetuates the behaviors which (while they do not serve you and you are aware of this) make you feel better in the moment. Accepting ourselves with our current behaviors is the platform that will allow change. Setting boundaries, saying no, asserting your needs, wants, opinions, and preferences feel scary at first. It is allowing this uncomfortability and sitting with those Feelings that will grow you and change you, slowly. I personally would not have been able to start doing that without Al-Anon. You have a great deal of awareness .Start bringing the focus on you and what you need and baby steps towards change will start to happen for you . [/QUOTE]
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