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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756589" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>To my view, NOOOOO!</p><p></p><p>The growth for her and for you, let me say potential growth, will come from letting her deal with her real situation, responding to it, and reaching out to build a community network of support. She may or may not. But if she doesn't do it now, she may do it later. By rescuing our children, we stand in the way of their creating real resources, both internally and socially. That is my belief and that is my experience.</p><p>You are NOT putting them back on the street. You gave your daughter the gift of 2 years to build a foundation of skills and support to be in the position to care for her children and herself. Instead, she made other choices. Same for my own son. Not one bit of the sacrifice I made did my son use to create a better life. Instead, like with your daughter, he used my help to dig in with problematic and self-harming attitudes and behaviors. All I did by sheltering him was keep at bay my own fear and anxiety and guilt.</p><p></p><p>Finally I realized this was not sustainable. Even if I was willing and able to do it for the rest of my life, I had to face that by continuing to act in my own self-interest, (because I faced to keep rescuing him was self-serving) to avoid, guilt, fear, panic about my son, I was hurting him both short and long term, I had to stop. </p><p></p><p>I had to face head on that I was NOT buying time, Because eventually I would die, and the piper would have to be paid. I have to accept reality now. The reality that my son must care for himself or not. Because eventually, that will be his reality. I will die. Better my son deals with his life now, than later. Better for him and better for me. I did not come easily to this perspective. But I feel at peace with it now.</p><p></p><p>It took me lots of work here on this forum. I would post terrified, panicked, and deeply sad. Desperate and despondent. Until finally, I had built the strength within me, and the faith to let go. The reality is that these are adults. Not babies.</p><p></p><p>Finally, <u>we</u> need to be the adults and the babies we care about and protect. Because I have come to believe that the panic, and the loss and the despondency and desperation that I have felt in relation to the situation of my adult son--these are feelings inside of myself that i have projected onto him. Better he stand up. And me too.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter had real life babies. She produced them. She bore them. She is their mother, not you. I believe with all my heart that you need to step aside and let her step into her rightful role as a good mother. I believe she has it in her. You will be willing to support her in appropriate ways, after the dust has cleared. But she is responsible now for creating the next steps. Let her find the resources, both personal, social and also economic to do so.</p><p></p><p>She may do all kinds of things, over which you have no control. If you believe you need help to deal with what may come, you have support here, and there is Al Anon. If there are no available meetings in your community there are online meetings. But regardless of what your daughter does, I believe, truly, this is the correct thing for her, for the children and for you. </p><p>But the reality is we have no control. That is what I came to see. That we have control was an illusion. </p><p></p><p>But if your experience is anything like mine was, this ambivalence, regret, fear, second-guessing is a normal and expected result of taking action. It will ease. You are doing fantastically. You are very brave and a loving, responsible mother.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756589, member: 18958"] To my view, NOOOOO! The growth for her and for you, let me say potential growth, will come from letting her deal with her real situation, responding to it, and reaching out to build a community network of support. She may or may not. But if she doesn't do it now, she may do it later. By rescuing our children, we stand in the way of their creating real resources, both internally and socially. That is my belief and that is my experience. You are NOT putting them back on the street. You gave your daughter the gift of 2 years to build a foundation of skills and support to be in the position to care for her children and herself. Instead, she made other choices. Same for my own son. Not one bit of the sacrifice I made did my son use to create a better life. Instead, like with your daughter, he used my help to dig in with problematic and self-harming attitudes and behaviors. All I did by sheltering him was keep at bay my own fear and anxiety and guilt. Finally I realized this was not sustainable. Even if I was willing and able to do it for the rest of my life, I had to face that by continuing to act in my own self-interest, (because I faced to keep rescuing him was self-serving) to avoid, guilt, fear, panic about my son, I was hurting him both short and long term, I had to stop. I had to face head on that I was NOT buying time, Because eventually I would die, and the piper would have to be paid. I have to accept reality now. The reality that my son must care for himself or not. Because eventually, that will be his reality. I will die. Better my son deals with his life now, than later. Better for him and better for me. I did not come easily to this perspective. But I feel at peace with it now. It took me lots of work here on this forum. I would post terrified, panicked, and deeply sad. Desperate and despondent. Until finally, I had built the strength within me, and the faith to let go. The reality is that these are adults. Not babies. Finally, [U]we[/U] need to be the adults and the babies we care about and protect. Because I have come to believe that the panic, and the loss and the despondency and desperation that I have felt in relation to the situation of my adult son--these are feelings inside of myself that i have projected onto him. Better he stand up. And me too. Your daughter had real life babies. She produced them. She bore them. She is their mother, not you. I believe with all my heart that you need to step aside and let her step into her rightful role as a good mother. I believe she has it in her. You will be willing to support her in appropriate ways, after the dust has cleared. But she is responsible now for creating the next steps. Let her find the resources, both personal, social and also economic to do so. She may do all kinds of things, over which you have no control. If you believe you need help to deal with what may come, you have support here, and there is Al Anon. If there are no available meetings in your community there are online meetings. But regardless of what your daughter does, I believe, truly, this is the correct thing for her, for the children and for you. But the reality is we have no control. That is what I came to see. That we have control was an illusion. But if your experience is anything like mine was, this ambivalence, regret, fear, second-guessing is a normal and expected result of taking action. It will ease. You are doing fantastically. You are very brave and a loving, responsible mother. [/QUOTE]
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