Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
At My Witt's End
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756599" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>What's wrong with this picture? That you would be there to protect your things against his rampage, is NO solution. Your psyche and soul, and body are infinitely more precious than what material thing he could destroy. Which is not to say that any real or threatened destruction of our things, does not count. It does. The last thing i considered was my own being, not long ago.</p><p></p><p>Only you can decide. When you came back to CD the toll this was taking on you was considerable, living with somebody who was explosive and threatening and insulted you.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible for his behavior. He is. Every day you keep the status quo where he can belittle, mock, threaten, and scare you is one more day he does not have to take responsibility for himself. This is exactly what you're beating yourself up for here:</p><p>You are not responsible for the choices that your ADULT children make. By choosing to be the shock absorbers for our sons' bad conduct by taking their verbal blows and threatened physical ones, their insults, their disregard of boundaries and lack of reciprocity, we allow them to live in a fantasy land where acts don't matter. Especially bad acts toward us.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, you're right. Going limp and playing dead is a strategy to fool our attackers. The problem is the price we pay for this. That's one thing.</p><p></p><p>If you are afraid of him or what he could do, you should not speak to him alone. I agree. You should not be in the house alone with him, having told him to leave. I agree. But at the same time,the consequences and responsibility for his bad acts should not be yours. These should be his consequences. He will only get better if he experiences his life, himself, rather than inserting you in it.</p><p></p><p>You do have options: You can wait (but how will this help?) You can go to a domestic violence program to meet with a counselor to make a plan. You can get a restraining order.I hear you. From what you're writing the risk would be how he would torture you and destroy your home, after you told him. While you don't really need somebody to be with you when you tell him, if it's in a Starbucks or Denny's, the problem seems not to be just the telling him, as you rightly note. If the police and courts believed he was sufficiently violent to require arrest and anger management for a year, your fears are based upon reality, and telling him he will have to move, is not the real problem. The real problem is he's violent and abusive towards you.</p><p></p><p>The problem is him. Not where he lives. <u>Except for the fact that you seem to be his target. And he lives with you.</u></p><p></p><p>OW. I don't believe waiting will make this reality go away. Continuing to live with him, he will continue to torture and threaten you. You're right. If you confront him, he may well hurt you and/or destroy your home. I can hear the reality of the situation for you. I don't know him, but this is what you seem to fear. In my experience, fears tend to be real. I urge you to go either to a Domestic Violence Program or to Elder Abuse, or both. You don't have to do anything, except upon your own timetable. Just beginning the conversation with them should help.</p><p></p><p>As an aside, you could well already qualify for Victim Witness Benefits through the District Attorney's office in your County, based upon the police report you filed in the past, that led to his arrest. What that would do is give you free therapy for trauma for at least a year. And the therapist would help you make a safety plan and put it into effect. Very, very good therapists are involved with this program, because it's very well compensated.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756599, member: 18958"] What's wrong with this picture? That you would be there to protect your things against his rampage, is NO solution. Your psyche and soul, and body are infinitely more precious than what material thing he could destroy. Which is not to say that any real or threatened destruction of our things, does not count. It does. The last thing i considered was my own being, not long ago. Only you can decide. When you came back to CD the toll this was taking on you was considerable, living with somebody who was explosive and threatening and insulted you. You are not responsible for his behavior. He is. Every day you keep the status quo where he can belittle, mock, threaten, and scare you is one more day he does not have to take responsibility for himself. This is exactly what you're beating yourself up for here: You are not responsible for the choices that your ADULT children make. By choosing to be the shock absorbers for our sons' bad conduct by taking their verbal blows and threatened physical ones, their insults, their disregard of boundaries and lack of reciprocity, we allow them to live in a fantasy land where acts don't matter. Especially bad acts toward us. The thing is, you're right. Going limp and playing dead is a strategy to fool our attackers. The problem is the price we pay for this. That's one thing. If you are afraid of him or what he could do, you should not speak to him alone. I agree. You should not be in the house alone with him, having told him to leave. I agree. But at the same time,the consequences and responsibility for his bad acts should not be yours. These should be his consequences. He will only get better if he experiences his life, himself, rather than inserting you in it. You do have options: You can wait (but how will this help?) You can go to a domestic violence program to meet with a counselor to make a plan. You can get a restraining order.I hear you. From what you're writing the risk would be how he would torture you and destroy your home, after you told him. While you don't really need somebody to be with you when you tell him, if it's in a Starbucks or Denny's, the problem seems not to be just the telling him, as you rightly note. If the police and courts believed he was sufficiently violent to require arrest and anger management for a year, your fears are based upon reality, and telling him he will have to move, is not the real problem. The real problem is he's violent and abusive towards you. The problem is him. Not where he lives. [U]Except for the fact that you seem to be his target. And he lives with you.[/U] OW. I don't believe waiting will make this reality go away. Continuing to live with him, he will continue to torture and threaten you. You're right. If you confront him, he may well hurt you and/or destroy your home. I can hear the reality of the situation for you. I don't know him, but this is what you seem to fear. In my experience, fears tend to be real. I urge you to go either to a Domestic Violence Program or to Elder Abuse, or both. You don't have to do anything, except upon your own timetable. Just beginning the conversation with them should help. As an aside, you could well already qualify for Victim Witness Benefits through the District Attorney's office in your County, based upon the police report you filed in the past, that led to his arrest. What that would do is give you free therapy for trauma for at least a year. And the therapist would help you make a safety plan and put it into effect. Very, very good therapists are involved with this program, because it's very well compensated. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
At My Witt's End
Top