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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756620" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear OW</p><p></p><p>If I had to identify the one change I have made in almost 5 years here on this board, and was limited to that one, this is what i would pick: Now, I locate myself in me, what happens in me, what is in my interests, what happens to me (consequences) how I feel, etc., what my needs are. My son is no longer a factor. He's his own business. What he does or doesn't do, is his business. But my business is me. I'm my own business.</p><p></p><p>The other side of the coin is I don't so much anymore locate myself in my son. Why? I can't be located in both of us. I had to pick. I came to see that.</p><p></p><p>But the really embarrassing thing is that I did not come to this because i came to see and feel I mattered. Oh no. It was because everything ran into a ditch. And I did every single thing to get the car going. And nothing worked. I would have kept trying and trying. And I did. But then there was nothing left to do except walk away from the car. And when I walked away from the car, I climbed out of the ditch. And I looked around. And there was sun. And light. And peace. And there I was.</p><p></p><p>And then, the strangest thing of all happened. When I climbed out of the ditch, my son did too. In his way. That's when he went to sober living. And he's on his third month.</p><p></p><p>And that's when I realized that I had been harming him all along. In the name of helping him.</p><p></p><p>Embarrassingly, before, I felt that my interest was what was the best for him. I did not exist other than how his actions affected me. I oriented myself towards his future. His intentions. His weirdness. His welfare. His feelings. His recovery. Etc.</p><p></p><p>Now, it's not that I don't care about him or what happens to him. I care deeply. It's not that. But what's shifted is that now that I have shown up in my own life, there's no space for my son. Because the reality is being around my son makes me feel kind of sick and bad about myself. This makes me very sad to write, but it's true.</p><p></p><p>You know as I read the second paragraph about locating myself in my son, it even makes me feel nausea. Why?</p><p></p><p>I abandoned myself.</p><p>And actually, I abandoned my son.</p><p></p><p>This is what I know now: a real relationship between adults can tolerate, in fact demands, that there be two people. If I act always from what I perceive to be my son's best interests, or his perspective, in effect, I'm cancelling him out, like in an eclipse. I foreclose on his right to act on his own best interests, according to his own viewpoints. I create the need for him to oppose me in order to have a voice in his own life.</p><p></p><p>Why do I write this here?</p><p></p><p>It's about the lawn mower. Where does the lawn mower fit into this thread?</p><p></p><p>So. He bought a lawn mower. What importance does that have, in this conversation, yours with yourself, your conversation with him? What does it change?</p><p></p><p>All he did was buy a lawn mower.</p><p></p><p>Where are you?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756620, member: 18958"] Dear OW If I had to identify the one change I have made in almost 5 years here on this board, and was limited to that one, this is what i would pick: Now, I locate myself in me, what happens in me, what is in my interests, what happens to me (consequences) how I feel, etc., what my needs are. My son is no longer a factor. He's his own business. What he does or doesn't do, is his business. But my business is me. I'm my own business. The other side of the coin is I don't so much anymore locate myself in my son. Why? I can't be located in both of us. I had to pick. I came to see that. But the really embarrassing thing is that I did not come to this because i came to see and feel I mattered. Oh no. It was because everything ran into a ditch. And I did every single thing to get the car going. And nothing worked. I would have kept trying and trying. And I did. But then there was nothing left to do except walk away from the car. And when I walked away from the car, I climbed out of the ditch. And I looked around. And there was sun. And light. And peace. And there I was. And then, the strangest thing of all happened. When I climbed out of the ditch, my son did too. In his way. That's when he went to sober living. And he's on his third month. And that's when I realized that I had been harming him all along. In the name of helping him. Embarrassingly, before, I felt that my interest was what was the best for him. I did not exist other than how his actions affected me. I oriented myself towards his future. His intentions. His weirdness. His welfare. His feelings. His recovery. Etc. Now, it's not that I don't care about him or what happens to him. I care deeply. It's not that. But what's shifted is that now that I have shown up in my own life, there's no space for my son. Because the reality is being around my son makes me feel kind of sick and bad about myself. This makes me very sad to write, but it's true. You know as I read the second paragraph about locating myself in my son, it even makes me feel nausea. Why? I abandoned myself. And actually, I abandoned my son. This is what I know now: a real relationship between adults can tolerate, in fact demands, that there be two people. If I act always from what I perceive to be my son's best interests, or his perspective, in effect, I'm cancelling him out, like in an eclipse. I foreclose on his right to act on his own best interests, according to his own viewpoints. I create the need for him to oppose me in order to have a voice in his own life. Why do I write this here? It's about the lawn mower. Where does the lawn mower fit into this thread? So. He bought a lawn mower. What importance does that have, in this conversation, yours with yourself, your conversation with him? What does it change? All he did was buy a lawn mower. Where are you? [/QUOTE]
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