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At My Witt's End
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756646" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You did not abandon your daughter. She abandoned herself. You helped her by enabling. I hate to be harsh but it's true. The vast majority of women in this world raise children alone at some point. They do their best to house and feed them and to provide care. In this society there are all kinds of supports for your daughter. If she had relied on them, instead of you, she would have had greater pride and independence, and a sense of her own efficacy and potential. I am not blaming either of you. You both chose this. Now you're choosing differently. You are not wrong.</p><p></p><p>Of course she is worried, about what to do. But that's part of what helps us grow as adults. Meeting real world problems head on. She has it within her power to try to deal with this head on. Then she can come to you in a good faith way. I believe you would help her cobble things together for a limited time. But continue like it has been? That's not good for her. As I understand it, she is not disabled. She is healthy.</p><p>Of course. Anybody could relate. You are wise and strong to resist this impulse, I believe.</p><p>I'm sorry to be blunt but this is pure nonsense. Your money is yours. Theirs is theirs. Adults in our society generally make their own way. This is not communism. Our system entails adults establishing separate households. When there is communal housing, with multiple generations, that functions, the families either all contribute financially, or they each provide something so that the household functions. I have a friend whose in laws live with her. They help watch the kids, they cook and they clean, they ferry kids to school. But the central difference is that the arrangement is consensual and respectful.</p><p></p><p>Your relationship with your son and his girlfriend and your daughter is none of these things. These relationships are not reciprocal, consensual, respectful or cooperative. It's not just you who is damaged by this, it's them too. You are allowing them to take advantage, disrespect you, use you, ignore your needs, etc. This is wrong of you. Because you are allowing your children, you're even helping your children be bad people. Just as I helped my son be a bad person, when I let him abuse me.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry to be so direct, but I feel strongly about this.</p><p>Nooo. You're right. Don't talk to her about it. That's my sense.</p><p>It wouldn't be good for us if we could just say abracadabra and have all of our problems disappear. We need to do the work to transform ourselves. That's the deal.</p><p></p><p>What do you think your resistance is to reach out to others for help (besides us)?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756646, member: 18958"] You did not abandon your daughter. She abandoned herself. You helped her by enabling. I hate to be harsh but it's true. The vast majority of women in this world raise children alone at some point. They do their best to house and feed them and to provide care. In this society there are all kinds of supports for your daughter. If she had relied on them, instead of you, she would have had greater pride and independence, and a sense of her own efficacy and potential. I am not blaming either of you. You both chose this. Now you're choosing differently. You are not wrong. Of course she is worried, about what to do. But that's part of what helps us grow as adults. Meeting real world problems head on. She has it within her power to try to deal with this head on. Then she can come to you in a good faith way. I believe you would help her cobble things together for a limited time. But continue like it has been? That's not good for her. As I understand it, she is not disabled. She is healthy. Of course. Anybody could relate. You are wise and strong to resist this impulse, I believe. I'm sorry to be blunt but this is pure nonsense. Your money is yours. Theirs is theirs. Adults in our society generally make their own way. This is not communism. Our system entails adults establishing separate households. When there is communal housing, with multiple generations, that functions, the families either all contribute financially, or they each provide something so that the household functions. I have a friend whose in laws live with her. They help watch the kids, they cook and they clean, they ferry kids to school. But the central difference is that the arrangement is consensual and respectful. Your relationship with your son and his girlfriend and your daughter is none of these things. These relationships are not reciprocal, consensual, respectful or cooperative. It's not just you who is damaged by this, it's them too. You are allowing them to take advantage, disrespect you, use you, ignore your needs, etc. This is wrong of you. Because you are allowing your children, you're even helping your children be bad people. Just as I helped my son be a bad person, when I let him abuse me. I'm sorry to be so direct, but I feel strongly about this. Nooo. You're right. Don't talk to her about it. That's my sense. It wouldn't be good for us if we could just say abracadabra and have all of our problems disappear. We need to do the work to transform ourselves. That's the deal. What do you think your resistance is to reach out to others for help (besides us)? [/QUOTE]
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