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At My Witt's End
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756651" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Look. We are mothers. Mothers love their children in loving ways. They protect their children. They advocate and support their children. This is biologically and genetically driven. And now?</p><p></p><p>We are in positions where we have to turn out our children. Expose them potentially to arrest. Deny help. Turn a blind eye. Withhold support that we otherwise would be free to give. We have arrived to a situation where in order to protect and care for our children (as well as ourselves) calls for us to take actions that are absolutely contrary to who we are and have been. It really is as if to turn around an ocean liner in the sea.</p><p></p><p>Having to reconcile these two opposite poles is not an easy thing. It takes many people many years to do so. This is NOT wishy washy. It's understandable. There has been a mother here for a number of years, 5, the same as me. Her adult son is paranoid schizophrenic. For years she was afraid and cowed in her home. Her son was becoming increasingly dangerous involving knives and implied threats of killing her. She was forced to involve the police. Her son may have been at the point of killing her. Only then could she act.</p><p>Her grief and sadness was truly overwhelming. Her worry about her son after he left her home at times unbearable to share.</p><p></p><p>Those of us who post here have been through variations of this story. And many of us have emerged at the other side. We have gone through years and years of this. Please don't think it was easy for any of us, or that we just nipped this in the bud just like that. We didn't. Not one of us.</p><p></p><p>I was about to say I didn't feel this way. But I did. I guess I suppress it. I felt ashamed in front of my sister with her perfect daughters, and I felt shame in front of my neighbors who gossiped about me.</p><p>These feelings of failure are your enemy. All of us feel them. But it's important to recognize they need to be marginalized. This is the ego talking. The ego is reactive. It joins up with the superego. There is nothing good that comes from this voice. It can't be allowed to run the show, like an evil master of ceremonies with a whip, standing on a box.</p><p></p><p>At any moment, you can take back your real power. By shifting your thoughts and actions to something that is either empowering, nurturing or distracting. People do this through meditation, exercise, knitting, etc. Practices that we have at our ready as an alternative to self-attack. Your real power you found sitting in your car, watching the ducks and geese. That's the real you. It's always there for you. And me.</p><p>In my faith there is the idea that all of us are broken. And the idea that the cracks are where the light comes through. And that light is divinity and G-d. If we didn't have cracks we would not grow. Think of a concrete sidewalk with a crack, and through that crack grows the most beautiful flower. That's what happening for you, here. And me, too.</p><p>I'm this way too. I have found my own need to be almost intolerable to bear. I think a lot of us on this forum have this kind of personality. Very high expectations of ourselves, highly invested in the idea of being capable, self-reliant, pushing down feelings of dependency, vulnerability, like they're shameful. And then all hell breaks out in our lives, and all of a sudden, we can't cope. Yet, now is our opportunity to integrate these feelings into our real lives, to be vulnerable, to deal with shame, to have personas that reflect the reality of who we are. This is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>I don't mean to be judgmental, OW. I don't know another way to support you other than telling you directly what I know to be true based upon my experience. But I am only one person, one voice. I know what I know based upon my own life, only. My life may not necessarily reflect the reality of your own. That is true of every other person here.</p><p>This is so.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756651, member: 18958"] Look. We are mothers. Mothers love their children in loving ways. They protect their children. They advocate and support their children. This is biologically and genetically driven. And now? We are in positions where we have to turn out our children. Expose them potentially to arrest. Deny help. Turn a blind eye. Withhold support that we otherwise would be free to give. We have arrived to a situation where in order to protect and care for our children (as well as ourselves) calls for us to take actions that are absolutely contrary to who we are and have been. It really is as if to turn around an ocean liner in the sea. Having to reconcile these two opposite poles is not an easy thing. It takes many people many years to do so. This is NOT wishy washy. It's understandable. There has been a mother here for a number of years, 5, the same as me. Her adult son is paranoid schizophrenic. For years she was afraid and cowed in her home. Her son was becoming increasingly dangerous involving knives and implied threats of killing her. She was forced to involve the police. Her son may have been at the point of killing her. Only then could she act. Her grief and sadness was truly overwhelming. Her worry about her son after he left her home at times unbearable to share. Those of us who post here have been through variations of this story. And many of us have emerged at the other side. We have gone through years and years of this. Please don't think it was easy for any of us, or that we just nipped this in the bud just like that. We didn't. Not one of us. I was about to say I didn't feel this way. But I did. I guess I suppress it. I felt ashamed in front of my sister with her perfect daughters, and I felt shame in front of my neighbors who gossiped about me. These feelings of failure are your enemy. All of us feel them. But it's important to recognize they need to be marginalized. This is the ego talking. The ego is reactive. It joins up with the superego. There is nothing good that comes from this voice. It can't be allowed to run the show, like an evil master of ceremonies with a whip, standing on a box. At any moment, you can take back your real power. By shifting your thoughts and actions to something that is either empowering, nurturing or distracting. People do this through meditation, exercise, knitting, etc. Practices that we have at our ready as an alternative to self-attack. Your real power you found sitting in your car, watching the ducks and geese. That's the real you. It's always there for you. And me. In my faith there is the idea that all of us are broken. And the idea that the cracks are where the light comes through. And that light is divinity and G-d. If we didn't have cracks we would not grow. Think of a concrete sidewalk with a crack, and through that crack grows the most beautiful flower. That's what happening for you, here. And me, too. I'm this way too. I have found my own need to be almost intolerable to bear. I think a lot of us on this forum have this kind of personality. Very high expectations of ourselves, highly invested in the idea of being capable, self-reliant, pushing down feelings of dependency, vulnerability, like they're shameful. And then all hell breaks out in our lives, and all of a sudden, we can't cope. Yet, now is our opportunity to integrate these feelings into our real lives, to be vulnerable, to deal with shame, to have personas that reflect the reality of who we are. This is a good thing. I don't mean to be judgmental, OW. I don't know another way to support you other than telling you directly what I know to be true based upon my experience. But I am only one person, one voice. I know what I know based upon my own life, only. My life may not necessarily reflect the reality of your own. That is true of every other person here. This is so. [/QUOTE]
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