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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756975" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>No. You, not them, make you feel guilty, unsure, confused and defeated.Look OW. Her behavior and why she does it is not your problem. You don't have to figure it out. I agree with the others. Your job only is to not be impacted by it. You don't have to solve it. And you don't have to endure it. Nor are you responsible to help her overcome it. As an adult, that's her job. Or not.</p><p></p><p>That was the hardest lesson for me, that I am not responsible to help my son change. That I had no control there. The difficult thing for me, is that I need to be able to endure that he stay the same, recognizing that I was powerless. And the other hard part was accepting accept the reality of how his behaviors affected me, and that the responsibility was mine to make sure that they did not affect me. And to set limits accordingly.</p><p>Look. Things are not all or nothing. People are not all good or all bad. Nor are we. All of us act from strong AND weak parts of ourselves. If they are treating you well (today) does not mean that your needs are illegitimate.</p><p>All of this self-criticism, self-punishment and self-attack is a pattern within you, how you react to ambivalence. All of us have some piece of this. Rather than see it as something bad and weak, you have a challenge to see this as your growing edge, as an opportunity to learn about yourself and your life.</p><p></p><p>I am reading a book called <u>How to Turn Your Money Life Around, The Money Book for Women</u>, by Ruth Hayden. While it's specifically about helping women changing their behaviors about money, I believe it would be helpful addressing many areas of life. Why? Because she has you look at your early life and address how we learned things about life and ourselves based upon how our parents and others treated us as children, and how these important others themselves believed.</p><p></p><p>The first chapter is called: "What's the matter with me?" You see ALL of us blame ourselves for failures and problems that come from faulty training as children. And Ruth Hayden teaches us that there is remedial education available to us. Once we identify this faulty learning as children, we can replace this learning with new learning, and change our behavior accordingly.</p><p>There is a saying (that I hate): <em>Take what you want and leave the rest. </em>You don't have to make sense of or react to anything that doesn't have to do with you. You can learn to dismiss it from your consciousness. Yes.</p><p></p><p>Your children gaslight you. That is a behavioral strategy. This would confuse EVERYBODY. Nobody can make sense of gaslighting, because it is based upon double binds. It can't make sense because it is designed to confound. It's not you. It's them. Your challenge (and obligation) is to not take it in. It's not about you.</p><p>Yes. This is what Wise is learning. She sees (now) that other people's reactions to her boundaries is NOT her business. Like this:</p><p>And she owns that she is responsible to identify and to put into practice boundaries, her own rules about what she allows to affect her. Boundaries are lines that are not crossed. We don't cross them and we don't let others cross them either.</p><p></p><p>Right now you are being mean to yourself. If you value being kind, you have crossed a boundary in relation to yourself. Now that you are aware of that, you can choose to stop that behavior, by enforcing the boundary. <em>I won't be unkind to myself or allow others to be unkind to me.</em> It's as simple (and difficult) as that.</p><p>We also teach ourselves what we will allow. You don't deserve this self-attack. You have the power and the tools to stop it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756975, member: 18958"] No. You, not them, make you feel guilty, unsure, confused and defeated.Look OW. Her behavior and why she does it is not your problem. You don't have to figure it out. I agree with the others. Your job only is to not be impacted by it. You don't have to solve it. And you don't have to endure it. Nor are you responsible to help her overcome it. As an adult, that's her job. Or not. That was the hardest lesson for me, that I am not responsible to help my son change. That I had no control there. The difficult thing for me, is that I need to be able to endure that he stay the same, recognizing that I was powerless. And the other hard part was accepting accept the reality of how his behaviors affected me, and that the responsibility was mine to make sure that they did not affect me. And to set limits accordingly. Look. Things are not all or nothing. People are not all good or all bad. Nor are we. All of us act from strong AND weak parts of ourselves. If they are treating you well (today) does not mean that your needs are illegitimate. All of this self-criticism, self-punishment and self-attack is a pattern within you, how you react to ambivalence. All of us have some piece of this. Rather than see it as something bad and weak, you have a challenge to see this as your growing edge, as an opportunity to learn about yourself and your life. I am reading a book called [U]How to Turn Your Money Life Around, The Money Book for Women[/U], by Ruth Hayden. While it's specifically about helping women changing their behaviors about money, I believe it would be helpful addressing many areas of life. Why? Because she has you look at your early life and address how we learned things about life and ourselves based upon how our parents and others treated us as children, and how these important others themselves believed. The first chapter is called: "What's the matter with me?" You see ALL of us blame ourselves for failures and problems that come from faulty training as children. And Ruth Hayden teaches us that there is remedial education available to us. Once we identify this faulty learning as children, we can replace this learning with new learning, and change our behavior accordingly. There is a saying (that I hate): [I]Take what you want and leave the rest. [/I]You don't have to make sense of or react to anything that doesn't have to do with you. You can learn to dismiss it from your consciousness. Yes. Your children gaslight you. That is a behavioral strategy. This would confuse EVERYBODY. Nobody can make sense of gaslighting, because it is based upon double binds. It can't make sense because it is designed to confound. It's not you. It's them. Your challenge (and obligation) is to not take it in. It's not about you. Yes. This is what Wise is learning. She sees (now) that other people's reactions to her boundaries is NOT her business. Like this: And she owns that she is responsible to identify and to put into practice boundaries, her own rules about what she allows to affect her. Boundaries are lines that are not crossed. We don't cross them and we don't let others cross them either. Right now you are being mean to yourself. If you value being kind, you have crossed a boundary in relation to yourself. Now that you are aware of that, you can choose to stop that behavior, by enforcing the boundary. [I]I won't be unkind to myself or allow others to be unkind to me.[/I] It's as simple (and difficult) as that. We also teach ourselves what we will allow. You don't deserve this self-attack. You have the power and the tools to stop it. [/QUOTE]
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