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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 757057" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>To me it all boils down to boundaries, boundaries in our own psyches and boundaries in our own space. Beta and OW are dealing with having opened their spaces to adult children who will not respect their boundaries. Either appropriate boundaries between adult people who share a space, or how to treat each other with respect and love.</p><p></p><p>Then where things careen out of control is intraspsychically, when our own internal boundaries break down, and we treat ourselves with unkindness and cruelty. A lack of compassion for ourselves turns into our punishing ourselves for our children's bad acts. To me this is to have poor internal boundaries.</p><p></p><p>OW. Why are these people still in your house? Have you given proper notice so as to begin legally mandated notice? I do not want to harp, but as long as you do not take steps to restore kindness and responsibility in your home, which is to say, get people out of there who lack self-control and self-monitoring, you will continue to suffer at their hands and your own. You blame yourself for their behavior. To me, the only responsibility you have is to decide to get them out.</p><p></p><p>These people are working, they have each other, they are competent. There is no earlhly reason you are responsible.</p><p></p><p>Beta and I both have had to deal with adult children who could not take care of themselves. Our decision to distance from them resulted in their being homeless and vulnerable. This is why, I think, we tolerate and tolerated for so long the agony of living close to them. Rightly or wrongly we could not bear to feel responsible for their vulnerability. In this sense your situation with your daughter is more similar to this.</p><p></p><p>Which is to say you've got your hands full.</p><p></p><p>I wish you'd get your son out of your house. He has no cause to berate you for anything. You have a right to control what happens in your home. He feels you don't. He feels he can control his own behavior, no matter how it affects you. And he feels on some level he can control you, and he does. This will never be reconciled. He needs to be on his own. Help him do that. Please.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 757057, member: 18958"] To me it all boils down to boundaries, boundaries in our own psyches and boundaries in our own space. Beta and OW are dealing with having opened their spaces to adult children who will not respect their boundaries. Either appropriate boundaries between adult people who share a space, or how to treat each other with respect and love. Then where things careen out of control is intraspsychically, when our own internal boundaries break down, and we treat ourselves with unkindness and cruelty. A lack of compassion for ourselves turns into our punishing ourselves for our children's bad acts. To me this is to have poor internal boundaries. OW. Why are these people still in your house? Have you given proper notice so as to begin legally mandated notice? I do not want to harp, but as long as you do not take steps to restore kindness and responsibility in your home, which is to say, get people out of there who lack self-control and self-monitoring, you will continue to suffer at their hands and your own. You blame yourself for their behavior. To me, the only responsibility you have is to decide to get them out. These people are working, they have each other, they are competent. There is no earlhly reason you are responsible. Beta and I both have had to deal with adult children who could not take care of themselves. Our decision to distance from them resulted in their being homeless and vulnerable. This is why, I think, we tolerate and tolerated for so long the agony of living close to them. Rightly or wrongly we could not bear to feel responsible for their vulnerability. In this sense your situation with your daughter is more similar to this. Which is to say you've got your hands full. I wish you'd get your son out of your house. He has no cause to berate you for anything. You have a right to control what happens in your home. He feels you don't. He feels he can control his own behavior, no matter how it affects you. And he feels on some level he can control you, and he does. This will never be reconciled. He needs to be on his own. Help him do that. Please. [/QUOTE]
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