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Autism Spectrum and Meltdowns
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 367590" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Every kid is different in how they react and what to.</p><p></p><p>Concerns - you can't separate the autism behaviours from the "bad choices" behaviours. The reason - kids who know better and are capable of behaving properly at all times but for various reasons choose not to, are the ones who can be accused of making bad choices. But a child who has any of those steps missing and who gets punished, is being punished for things he can't help.</p><p></p><p>As for only being able to use that card once a day - ridiculous! It would require a degree of self-awareness and assessment/planning of his day and his expectations, that I doubt he is capable of. Crikey, a lot of adults wouldn't be capable of that level of careful analysis, especially when upset and trying hard to not have a tantrum.</p><p></p><p>Each tantrum is a new event. Each event needs to be treated as a fresh start with fresh opportunities to get it right or not.</p><p></p><p>The responsibility should not be all on the child, to behave. A child who has taken longer to learn what is appropriate, a child who is ill-equipped to communicate effectively at all times and a a sufficiently high level, is far less capable of coping when thins get frustrating.</p><p></p><p>The school is mishandling this. They are close, but unfortunately because they are falling short of the mark to this extent with this child, they are doing more harm than good.</p><p></p><p>What is needed is a therapist who gets him, who can come in with you to set new ground rules to try. Don't be angry with the school therapists, instead say to them, "We need to start over and formulate a special plan for this child. But you will not punish him for any action he cannot fully control. Instead, we will lead him, not drive him."</p><p></p><p>If they don't work that way, you need to find a different placement.</p><p></p><p>ABA is good stuff, in the right hands for the right child. But I've observed that in some cases, ABA can be too rigid, can be a "one size fits all regardless" approach with no flexibility for individuality, and that spells disaster for the child for whom it is not such a good fit.</p><p></p><p>You are a parent and you probably know your own child better than others. They are professionals with training which can be useful to you. You need to be able to work as a team, to listen to one another, to learn form one another. Have faith in yourself and respect your position of authority and knowledge as your child's parent. If the others in the team do not show the same respect for your position and knowledge, then that is another sign that you need to make some changes. sometimes you can make those changes with the existing team. Sometimes you have to cut your losses. But you have the right, for the sake of your child.</p><p></p><p>The best start for you is to try to get into your son's head. Watch him closely. Quietly analyse everything he is doing and why he is doing it. Try to think like he does, see the world as he sees it. Remember, everything has a reason that makes sense to him. He is not random, he is not behaving chaotically. There is extreme order in his choices. The problem is, others are imposing their choices on him (with reasons that make sense to them, but not necessarily explained to him) and this is directly clashing with how he thinks.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes we need therapy to stop an autistic child from developing serious repetitive and unproductive patterns of behaviour; certainly that used to be the idea. But increasingly (and form my observation) it works better to begin from where the child is now, rather than immediately expect the child to behave normally by punishing them into it. From the child's point of view, punishment conveys two things:</p><p></p><p>1) I am bigger than you are, more powerful and I can impose my will. For now. One day you will be bigger and stronger, then you will be able to impose your will.</p><p></p><p>2) Your lot in life is to be punished. You deserve it because of who you are. You cannot change this because you are not in control, you never will be permitted to be in control.</p><p></p><p>A child receiving these messages has few options to object, except by screaming. A more passive, less bright child is actually more likely to be well-behaved and complacent. It is often the more driven child, the one with obvious, strong obsessions about certain things tat constantly clash with those trying to control him, who will react violently, all the time.</p><p></p><p>My GF3b is actually well-behaved and compliant, because he has learned a lot of social lessons and really tries to be good. The most important thing - he has learned to value respect and also learned that he will be respected. He had to be respected before he would show respect to others. From very early on, a teacher who publicly disrespected him would be publicly humiliated by him. But although people tell us what a good kid he is these days, if HE feels disrespected, he can rapidly become very unpleasant to the point of being physically violent. </p><p>As he gets older, the more he learns more appropriate behaviour to handle it. But in order to get this improvement, we first had to change how we dealt with him and we had to NOT handle him the way traditionally a naughty child would be handled. Because this bad behaviour is NOT nauhtiness, not at all. These kid want to please you. But they respond this way first out of frustration and a feeling of having nowhere to go, to change the bad stuff they feel is happening to them; and secondly, they need to learn by imitation how to behave.</p><p></p><p>Observe him. Does he try to behave towards therapists the way they behave toward him? For example, if someone tries to physically hold him to make him compliant, does he in turn (at a different time) try to forcibly hold someone (perhaps by the arm) or in some other way apply physical force to someone, if they aren't doing what he wants them to do?</p><p></p><p>Of course that is unacceptable behaviour in a child. But how can he ever learn that/</p><p></p><p>We found that difficult child 3 has no concept of the difference between adults and children. To him, everyone is equal. He will behave towards someone the same way they behave towards him. He learns by coping other people's behaviour. It is the only way he has been able to learn social interaction.</p><p></p><p>Some things they can do well; other areas, they are infants. But they can learn. You just have to find the right key for each child, that unlocks their brain to let them learn.</p><p></p><p>There is no one textbook for all children. YOu could hire the best therapists in the world with decades of experience. But they will have to re-learn everything to find how to apply it to your child.</p><p></p><p>One final example - difficult child 3 was given an important role in a feature film, a film about a boy with an autistic brother. When it became apparent that difficult child 3 would need more support in learning his role, they hired a professional therapist/aide to work with him. I was there,I could have done his, but they chose to hire an "expert". She was a nice lady, difficult child 3 liked her because she played games with him. What would happen - difficult child 3 would begin to get stressed, agitated and upset and this nice lady would remove him and take him outside, perhaps to play a card game. Everything this woman was doing, was designed to placate difficult child 3. And this was NOT the way to handle him.</p><p></p><p>Instead, what he needed was a balance. He needed the opportunity to learn to cope with the stressful situation, to the level he could handle it. he needed manageable challenge.</p><p></p><p>On the day of filming. difficult child 3 was word-perfect, action-perfect. But of course, multiple takes were going to be needed - sound checks, different camera angles, lighting angles and so on. A plane flying overhead, traffic noise - all sorts of reasons to do it over. FG3 began to get upset - why did he keep having to do it over? HE was getting it right, who was mucking it up?</p><p>The aide tried to take difficult child 3 outside for a card game to quieten him down, but instead I intervened. </p><p>difficult child 3, they need to do this over for all sorts of reasons. These people are professional, nobody is doing it wrong. But first they need the lights over here while they film you. Then they need to do it again with the lights over there. Then they need a long shot. Then a close-up. Then they need to do it with everyone else on stage. Then just you. Then with the music. Then without the music. Lots of reasons. You just have to say your lines as the director says. he's the boss, remember? But he needs you o do YOUR job, the one you learned so well. Once the director says he's got all the film he needs, then he will tell you you can go play a game of cards. But if you go too early, everyone else has to sit around waiting for you, and that is not fair to them."</p><p></p><p>I took about a minute to explain, pointing to the lights and the cameras as I did so. difficult child 3 could see all the gantries, all the stands here and there. He got the message and immediately got ready for the next take. He did a brilliant job from that moment, and it was NOT thanks to the aide. If we had done things her way, filming would have been held up and wouldn't have been half as good.</p><p>She was undoubtedly good with the autistic kids at her work, but she was not much help with difficult child 3, because she was too focussed on keeping him calm n the short term, and not on resolving the underlying reasons for him getting upset.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 367590, member: 1991"] Every kid is different in how they react and what to. Concerns - you can't separate the autism behaviours from the "bad choices" behaviours. The reason - kids who know better and are capable of behaving properly at all times but for various reasons choose not to, are the ones who can be accused of making bad choices. But a child who has any of those steps missing and who gets punished, is being punished for things he can't help. As for only being able to use that card once a day - ridiculous! It would require a degree of self-awareness and assessment/planning of his day and his expectations, that I doubt he is capable of. Crikey, a lot of adults wouldn't be capable of that level of careful analysis, especially when upset and trying hard to not have a tantrum. Each tantrum is a new event. Each event needs to be treated as a fresh start with fresh opportunities to get it right or not. The responsibility should not be all on the child, to behave. A child who has taken longer to learn what is appropriate, a child who is ill-equipped to communicate effectively at all times and a a sufficiently high level, is far less capable of coping when thins get frustrating. The school is mishandling this. They are close, but unfortunately because they are falling short of the mark to this extent with this child, they are doing more harm than good. What is needed is a therapist who gets him, who can come in with you to set new ground rules to try. Don't be angry with the school therapists, instead say to them, "We need to start over and formulate a special plan for this child. But you will not punish him for any action he cannot fully control. Instead, we will lead him, not drive him." If they don't work that way, you need to find a different placement. ABA is good stuff, in the right hands for the right child. But I've observed that in some cases, ABA can be too rigid, can be a "one size fits all regardless" approach with no flexibility for individuality, and that spells disaster for the child for whom it is not such a good fit. You are a parent and you probably know your own child better than others. They are professionals with training which can be useful to you. You need to be able to work as a team, to listen to one another, to learn form one another. Have faith in yourself and respect your position of authority and knowledge as your child's parent. If the others in the team do not show the same respect for your position and knowledge, then that is another sign that you need to make some changes. sometimes you can make those changes with the existing team. Sometimes you have to cut your losses. But you have the right, for the sake of your child. The best start for you is to try to get into your son's head. Watch him closely. Quietly analyse everything he is doing and why he is doing it. Try to think like he does, see the world as he sees it. Remember, everything has a reason that makes sense to him. He is not random, he is not behaving chaotically. There is extreme order in his choices. The problem is, others are imposing their choices on him (with reasons that make sense to them, but not necessarily explained to him) and this is directly clashing with how he thinks. Sometimes we need therapy to stop an autistic child from developing serious repetitive and unproductive patterns of behaviour; certainly that used to be the idea. But increasingly (and form my observation) it works better to begin from where the child is now, rather than immediately expect the child to behave normally by punishing them into it. From the child's point of view, punishment conveys two things: 1) I am bigger than you are, more powerful and I can impose my will. For now. One day you will be bigger and stronger, then you will be able to impose your will. 2) Your lot in life is to be punished. You deserve it because of who you are. You cannot change this because you are not in control, you never will be permitted to be in control. A child receiving these messages has few options to object, except by screaming. A more passive, less bright child is actually more likely to be well-behaved and complacent. It is often the more driven child, the one with obvious, strong obsessions about certain things tat constantly clash with those trying to control him, who will react violently, all the time. My GF3b is actually well-behaved and compliant, because he has learned a lot of social lessons and really tries to be good. The most important thing - he has learned to value respect and also learned that he will be respected. He had to be respected before he would show respect to others. From very early on, a teacher who publicly disrespected him would be publicly humiliated by him. But although people tell us what a good kid he is these days, if HE feels disrespected, he can rapidly become very unpleasant to the point of being physically violent. As he gets older, the more he learns more appropriate behaviour to handle it. But in order to get this improvement, we first had to change how we dealt with him and we had to NOT handle him the way traditionally a naughty child would be handled. Because this bad behaviour is NOT nauhtiness, not at all. These kid want to please you. But they respond this way first out of frustration and a feeling of having nowhere to go, to change the bad stuff they feel is happening to them; and secondly, they need to learn by imitation how to behave. Observe him. Does he try to behave towards therapists the way they behave toward him? For example, if someone tries to physically hold him to make him compliant, does he in turn (at a different time) try to forcibly hold someone (perhaps by the arm) or in some other way apply physical force to someone, if they aren't doing what he wants them to do? Of course that is unacceptable behaviour in a child. But how can he ever learn that/ We found that difficult child 3 has no concept of the difference between adults and children. To him, everyone is equal. He will behave towards someone the same way they behave towards him. He learns by coping other people's behaviour. It is the only way he has been able to learn social interaction. Some things they can do well; other areas, they are infants. But they can learn. You just have to find the right key for each child, that unlocks their brain to let them learn. There is no one textbook for all children. YOu could hire the best therapists in the world with decades of experience. But they will have to re-learn everything to find how to apply it to your child. One final example - difficult child 3 was given an important role in a feature film, a film about a boy with an autistic brother. When it became apparent that difficult child 3 would need more support in learning his role, they hired a professional therapist/aide to work with him. I was there,I could have done his, but they chose to hire an "expert". She was a nice lady, difficult child 3 liked her because she played games with him. What would happen - difficult child 3 would begin to get stressed, agitated and upset and this nice lady would remove him and take him outside, perhaps to play a card game. Everything this woman was doing, was designed to placate difficult child 3. And this was NOT the way to handle him. Instead, what he needed was a balance. He needed the opportunity to learn to cope with the stressful situation, to the level he could handle it. he needed manageable challenge. On the day of filming. difficult child 3 was word-perfect, action-perfect. But of course, multiple takes were going to be needed - sound checks, different camera angles, lighting angles and so on. A plane flying overhead, traffic noise - all sorts of reasons to do it over. FG3 began to get upset - why did he keep having to do it over? HE was getting it right, who was mucking it up? The aide tried to take difficult child 3 outside for a card game to quieten him down, but instead I intervened. difficult child 3, they need to do this over for all sorts of reasons. These people are professional, nobody is doing it wrong. But first they need the lights over here while they film you. Then they need to do it again with the lights over there. Then they need a long shot. Then a close-up. Then they need to do it with everyone else on stage. Then just you. Then with the music. Then without the music. Lots of reasons. You just have to say your lines as the director says. he's the boss, remember? But he needs you o do YOUR job, the one you learned so well. Once the director says he's got all the film he needs, then he will tell you you can go play a game of cards. But if you go too early, everyone else has to sit around waiting for you, and that is not fair to them." I took about a minute to explain, pointing to the lights and the cameras as I did so. difficult child 3 could see all the gantries, all the stands here and there. He got the message and immediately got ready for the next take. He did a brilliant job from that moment, and it was NOT thanks to the aide. If we had done things her way, filming would have been held up and wouldn't have been half as good. She was undoubtedly good with the autistic kids at her work, but she was not much help with difficult child 3, because she was too focussed on keeping him calm n the short term, and not on resolving the underlying reasons for him getting upset. I hope this helps. Marg [/QUOTE]
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