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B’s obsession
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740071" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>B’sMom, I just wanted to say I hear the pain and frustration in your posts. You are in a very difficult circumstance and I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you for whatever you ultimately decide. You’re right - you can’t sacrifice the rest of the family, including yourself and your marriage, to accommodate the needs of one. If he is dangerous to your little and to others in his school, it may turn out that neither you nor the school are equipped to meet his need and protect the safety of others. This is not going to get easier as he gets older and bigger unless some other strategies can be found. </p><p></p><p>As someone on the milder end of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), I am inclined to sympathize with B and his card obsession. The anxiety he feels when a card is missing, or picked up by someone else, or when the cards are taken away is probably very real and very intense. And i think there is a possibility that if he can’t have the cards he’ll find something else to fixate on, which may or may not be any easier to deal with. </p><p></p><p>But I hear you and trust you when you say that the cards can’t be an option at your house now. Your first priority has to be protecting your little here and if that has been a trigger for physical abuse that can’t go on. The outbursts you describe are not just your average autistic meltdowns. He is actively threatening others. This will get scarier as he gets bigger and stronger if he can’t learn to control his emotions. </p><p></p><p>I’m concerned that the treatment facility hasn’t given you strategies that don’t amount to ‘give him what he wants/let him do it on his time schedule and in his own way.’ If that is truly the only way to get through the day with him, I think you are right to be thinking about residential options. I can only imagine what a heartbreaking choice that must be to make. But it sounds like he needs a dedicated full time caregiver who can cater to his needs, or a residential facility that can work with him where he is. With two other kids and a job - which I am assuming that, like most of us, you need to keep the family afloat - it’s not possible for you to be that person. There isn’t enough of you to go around, and you are working with the constraints of having to hold down a job, conform to his home school’s expectations, and meet the needs of your other children. The continued conflict in the home can’t be good for anyone, including B. </p><p></p><p>I don’t think there are any easy answers here. Please don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you feel. You’re understandably overwhelmed and exhausted after years of daily battles. You have PTSD. You’re rightly worried about the effects on your other children. Nobody has the superhuman powers to deal with that stress on an ongoing basis and not come to a breaking point. </p><p></p><p>Keep exploring those options, and stand your ground when explaining what you can and can’t do and what is and isn’t possible with his local school. I don’t know what the options are for services in your country, but I think you’re right to keep looking for solutions that don’t put you and your other children in harms way. </p><p></p><p>Sending hugs and support your way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740071, member: 23349"] B’sMom, I just wanted to say I hear the pain and frustration in your posts. You are in a very difficult circumstance and I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you for whatever you ultimately decide. You’re right - you can’t sacrifice the rest of the family, including yourself and your marriage, to accommodate the needs of one. If he is dangerous to your little and to others in his school, it may turn out that neither you nor the school are equipped to meet his need and protect the safety of others. This is not going to get easier as he gets older and bigger unless some other strategies can be found. As someone on the milder end of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), I am inclined to sympathize with B and his card obsession. The anxiety he feels when a card is missing, or picked up by someone else, or when the cards are taken away is probably very real and very intense. And i think there is a possibility that if he can’t have the cards he’ll find something else to fixate on, which may or may not be any easier to deal with. But I hear you and trust you when you say that the cards can’t be an option at your house now. Your first priority has to be protecting your little here and if that has been a trigger for physical abuse that can’t go on. The outbursts you describe are not just your average autistic meltdowns. He is actively threatening others. This will get scarier as he gets bigger and stronger if he can’t learn to control his emotions. I’m concerned that the treatment facility hasn’t given you strategies that don’t amount to ‘give him what he wants/let him do it on his time schedule and in his own way.’ If that is truly the only way to get through the day with him, I think you are right to be thinking about residential options. I can only imagine what a heartbreaking choice that must be to make. But it sounds like he needs a dedicated full time caregiver who can cater to his needs, or a residential facility that can work with him where he is. With two other kids and a job - which I am assuming that, like most of us, you need to keep the family afloat - it’s not possible for you to be that person. There isn’t enough of you to go around, and you are working with the constraints of having to hold down a job, conform to his home school’s expectations, and meet the needs of your other children. The continued conflict in the home can’t be good for anyone, including B. I don’t think there are any easy answers here. Please don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you feel. You’re understandably overwhelmed and exhausted after years of daily battles. You have PTSD. You’re rightly worried about the effects on your other children. Nobody has the superhuman powers to deal with that stress on an ongoing basis and not come to a breaking point. Keep exploring those options, and stand your ground when explaining what you can and can’t do and what is and isn’t possible with his local school. I don’t know what the options are for services in your country, but I think you’re right to keep looking for solutions that don’t put you and your other children in harms way. Sending hugs and support your way. [/QUOTE]
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