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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 765533" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Bluebell,</p><p>Welcome back, so sorry for your need to be here again. It’s good to write down our challenges and receive kind, understanding responses. CD has been a lifesaver for me. </p><p></p><p>How I know this feeling. It’s not just our love for our wayward adult kids, rescue mode becomes so routine after years of dealing with the drama and chaos of our kids choices. I’m glad you recognize the need to stop, that’s a big step.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I’m so sorry to read of your diagnosis. You have a tough battle with your health issues, please put yourself in the forefront. </p><p>We are all here in different stages on this journey. I was right where you are at for a time and still have to work hard to stay away from the rabbit hole of rescue mode. With two wayward adult daughters so lost, it was hard not to get drawn in to the consequences of their choices. I knew after many years of trying to help them, that they did not want to change their course, they wanted things to be easier. That meant taking advantage of their parents. </p><p></p><p></p><p>What helped me move forward the most was writing here. It has been a sort of living journal, with feedback from folks who have “been there, done that.” I was able to look at the things we had gone through more sanely. I think all of the drama had a way of conditioning me to react in “savior” mode as you frame it, instead of thinking things through, and letting my girls deal with the consequences of their choices. Copa described it aptly as us be willing to sacrifice ourselves to save our wayward kids. But it doesn’t work. We have no control over our adult kids choices. Zip, zero, zilch. Focusing on that reality helped me to disengage. Realizing that I had no control, and that I was way more focused on my two “getting better” than they were. I threw in the proverbial towel and gave my two back to God. Prayer has helped me tremendously to cope. Focusing on my three well children helps too. I didn’t realize how much attention I had given to my troubled daughters. That, and my grief over their choices was robbing me of precious family time, my physical, mental and emotional health. </p><p></p><p>Good Lord Bluebell, this is absolutely horrendous. Unacceptable. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries, not battle grounds. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. I think that when we are caught up trying to save our kids, we begin to normalize the awful things that happen. My daughter tries to tell me that she can’t be held accountable for the things she does when she is on meth. Balderdash. </p><p>I forgive my two for the horrible “episodes” we went through, but I won’t forget them. I have to remind myself that as long as they are using drugs, they are not safe to be around. They are not the kind of people I would associate with, that’s for sure. </p><p>You may consider seeking a counselor or attending Al-Anon, if you are still having a tough time working through your urges to step in and rescue your son. </p><p>You have value my dear. You deserve to have peace in your life. Practicing self love is essential to our well being. It is not selfish. It’s what we wish for our adult children, that they would love themselves enough to make better choices. We have no control over that, but we can model it by taking good care of our own health. For me, that means stepping back, way back and letting go of that rescue mode. My daughter Tornado has been in and out of jail since 2018 for a theft charge. She has tried to get me to go to her court cases, nope. I don’t visit her in prison, I draw the line at phone calls, but have also gone no contact as she can be quite manipulative. I tell her that I’m not getting any younger and have health issues, the stress of dealing with her can be overwhelming. She’s been through rehabs required by the court, and now is telling me that she just wants to finish her sentence out, she’s “an addict and should be able to come around even if she’s not sober”. Absolutely not. Too unpredictable and unstable. Love her, but not the craziness that comes with meth use. </p><p>She doesn’t seem to remember the hurt she has caused herself, or her family. She uses the term “unconditional love” to mean that we all should just accept her for “who she is”. She uses the terminology she learned at rehabs, but twists it around to back up her drug use. </p><p>Not good. Not falling for it.</p><p>Please take good care of yourself Bluebell. Do everything in your power to gain your strength back. You are worth it. </p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 765533, member: 19522"] Hi Bluebell, Welcome back, so sorry for your need to be here again. It’s good to write down our challenges and receive kind, understanding responses. CD has been a lifesaver for me. How I know this feeling. It’s not just our love for our wayward adult kids, rescue mode becomes so routine after years of dealing with the drama and chaos of our kids choices. I’m glad you recognize the need to stop, that’s a big step. I’m so sorry to read of your diagnosis. You have a tough battle with your health issues, please put yourself in the forefront. We are all here in different stages on this journey. I was right where you are at for a time and still have to work hard to stay away from the rabbit hole of rescue mode. With two wayward adult daughters so lost, it was hard not to get drawn in to the consequences of their choices. I knew after many years of trying to help them, that they did not want to change their course, they wanted things to be easier. That meant taking advantage of their parents. What helped me move forward the most was writing here. It has been a sort of living journal, with feedback from folks who have “been there, done that.” I was able to look at the things we had gone through more sanely. I think all of the drama had a way of conditioning me to react in “savior” mode as you frame it, instead of thinking things through, and letting my girls deal with the consequences of their choices. Copa described it aptly as us be willing to sacrifice ourselves to save our wayward kids. But it doesn’t work. We have no control over our adult kids choices. Zip, zero, zilch. Focusing on that reality helped me to disengage. Realizing that I had no control, and that I was way more focused on my two “getting better” than they were. I threw in the proverbial towel and gave my two back to God. Prayer has helped me tremendously to cope. Focusing on my three well children helps too. I didn’t realize how much attention I had given to my troubled daughters. That, and my grief over their choices was robbing me of precious family time, my physical, mental and emotional health. Good Lord Bluebell, this is absolutely horrendous. Unacceptable. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries, not battle grounds. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. I think that when we are caught up trying to save our kids, we begin to normalize the awful things that happen. My daughter tries to tell me that she can’t be held accountable for the things she does when she is on meth. Balderdash. I forgive my two for the horrible “episodes” we went through, but I won’t forget them. I have to remind myself that as long as they are using drugs, they are not safe to be around. They are not the kind of people I would associate with, that’s for sure. You may consider seeking a counselor or attending Al-Anon, if you are still having a tough time working through your urges to step in and rescue your son. You have value my dear. You deserve to have peace in your life. Practicing self love is essential to our well being. It is not selfish. It’s what we wish for our adult children, that they would love themselves enough to make better choices. We have no control over that, but we can model it by taking good care of our own health. For me, that means stepping back, way back and letting go of that rescue mode. My daughter Tornado has been in and out of jail since 2018 for a theft charge. She has tried to get me to go to her court cases, nope. I don’t visit her in prison, I draw the line at phone calls, but have also gone no contact as she can be quite manipulative. I tell her that I’m not getting any younger and have health issues, the stress of dealing with her can be overwhelming. She’s been through rehabs required by the court, and now is telling me that she just wants to finish her sentence out, she’s “an addict and should be able to come around even if she’s not sober”. Absolutely not. Too unpredictable and unstable. Love her, but not the craziness that comes with meth use. She doesn’t seem to remember the hurt she has caused herself, or her family. She uses the term “unconditional love” to mean that we all should just accept her for “who she is”. She uses the terminology she learned at rehabs, but twists it around to back up her drug use. Not good. Not falling for it. Please take good care of yourself Bluebell. Do everything in your power to gain your strength back. You are worth it. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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