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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 754017" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear LeaMac</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry for the pain that brings you here again. There was a member here long ago who used to say, "you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror." Cedar also used to say "what we do for our troubled adult child" we do for ourselves."</p><p></p><p>Implicit in this for me is this: We no longer have the sense that anything we do or don't do will help or change our child. We think only in what would make us feel better about ourselves, and the relationship.</p><p></p><p>I don't think anything you do or don't do will affect whether your daughter is cold, wet or safe. I don't think anything you do or don't do will affect her motivation to change. I don't think anything you do or don't do will stop or discourage her drug use.</p><p></p><p>The key thing here is how you feel. What enables you to sleep each night. What allows you to pursue your own joy and contentment.</p><p></p><p>If paying $50 a month or every 3 weeks allowed you to have peace, then do it, if you have the money. If by paying $50 a month you felt you were helping her kill herself, then no. Don't send it.</p><p></p><p>Personally. Hearing your story and hers, I might want to continue sending the money every few weeks or once a month, if I had it. Why? First of all, something brought you here today. Not sending the money disturbed you or you wouldn't have come back. Maybe sending the money helps you to let go. Maybe it's guilt. Whatever. If it allows you to rest, to look yourself in the mirror, isn't it worth it? I think also that the money may be a way to stay connected. It gives your daughter a way to be connected to you, in the way that she can tolerate. This is not bad. She's not asking for thousands. Maybe it's symbolic to her. Maybe she feels abandoned, and therefore the anger is a cover story. Maybe it's not the cash after all. It's what the cash symbolizes to her. Maybe she uses the demand as a way to feel close to you. The money is also a way for you to stay connected to her.</p><p></p><p>Of course, if you believe that the $50 will go to heroin or meth, and this would cause you distress, don't do it.</p><p></p><p>The other way to look at this is that her phone call to you awoke the sleeping dragons that you had put to rest. While discomforting this is another opportunity to find in yourself the resources to face the reality of your daughter's life, to affirm your love for her, and to pray that she come to recover.</p><p></p><p>And, of course, you have to work this out with your husband. But the first thing to do is to figure out what you need. Everything else, to me, is secondary. Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 754017, member: 18958"] Dear LeaMac I'm sorry for the pain that brings you here again. There was a member here long ago who used to say, "you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror." Cedar also used to say "what we do for our troubled adult child" we do for ourselves." Implicit in this for me is this: We no longer have the sense that anything we do or don't do will help or change our child. We think only in what would make us feel better about ourselves, and the relationship. I don't think anything you do or don't do will affect whether your daughter is cold, wet or safe. I don't think anything you do or don't do will affect her motivation to change. I don't think anything you do or don't do will stop or discourage her drug use. The key thing here is how you feel. What enables you to sleep each night. What allows you to pursue your own joy and contentment. If paying $50 a month or every 3 weeks allowed you to have peace, then do it, if you have the money. If by paying $50 a month you felt you were helping her kill herself, then no. Don't send it. Personally. Hearing your story and hers, I might want to continue sending the money every few weeks or once a month, if I had it. Why? First of all, something brought you here today. Not sending the money disturbed you or you wouldn't have come back. Maybe sending the money helps you to let go. Maybe it's guilt. Whatever. If it allows you to rest, to look yourself in the mirror, isn't it worth it? I think also that the money may be a way to stay connected. It gives your daughter a way to be connected to you, in the way that she can tolerate. This is not bad. She's not asking for thousands. Maybe it's symbolic to her. Maybe she feels abandoned, and therefore the anger is a cover story. Maybe it's not the cash after all. It's what the cash symbolizes to her. Maybe she uses the demand as a way to feel close to you. The money is also a way for you to stay connected to her. Of course, if you believe that the $50 will go to heroin or meth, and this would cause you distress, don't do it. The other way to look at this is that her phone call to you awoke the sleeping dragons that you had put to rest. While discomforting this is another opportunity to find in yourself the resources to face the reality of your daughter's life, to affirm your love for her, and to pray that she come to recover. And, of course, you have to work this out with your husband. But the first thing to do is to figure out what you need. Everything else, to me, is secondary. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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