We appear to have logged on here at the same time and I’ma believer in Jesus more than coincidence. We haven’t achieved complete emeritus status, as we still have one cold remaining at home, but hopefully that won’t result in your rejecting what I can share.
Fixed and firm boundaries are an absolute requirement when dealing with BH disorders that have a higher risk of antisocial or borderline PD traits. The research supports it, which is great on paper, but tends to suck overall in practice. Further worsening the issue is it’s often difficult, if not impossible, to find the line between helping your son (out of love I imagine) who is in need and enabling.
Scripture says to forgive. It’s said in a manner that seems ridiculous to many, but the message in this is also a parable of a principle. Not to hold anger, hatred, hurt, etcetera, in your heart. I’m not saying or implying that is what you’re doing by the way. You can forgive without a concurrent requirement of selective amnesia. It is pretty well-substantiated that the most accurate predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This is far from being absolute and completely disregards the concept of the potential for personal growth with those accurately and appropriately diagnosed with a DSM-5 Behavioral Health (BH) disorder. A good way to summarize all of the research and medical jargon would be the following; has your son changed? Unfortunately, most-likely not, but it’s not impossible and I’m a firm believer in hope regardless of the risk of pain stemming from being let down.
If you’re a believer and follower of Jesus, obviously the first recommendation is seeking Him in peaceful and earnest prayer. If you aren’t, that’s cool too because we’d be happy to do so on your behalf (already have 
).
Either way, the next step would be to ask yourself the following questions and answer them through a combined approach involving your heart AND your brain working together (Intelligent Love).
How much are you willing to risk in order to give him a chance to demonstrate any personal growth?
What strategies can be implemented to mitigate the risks?
Considering that your daughter appears to be your designated control group for your own morale compass, what are the similarities and differences between you and your daughter regarding boundaries?
In what ways are your daughter’s relationship and history with your son different than your own?
In what ways, if any, is the current situation regarding CPS consistent with your son’s history of maladaptive behavior? I’m sure that you can also find some supportive evidence of his potential growth, or absence of, with an online search as well.
Has your son been consistently engaged in any BH treatment? Treatment started after any allegations should be filtered through any prior pattern of manipulative behaviors. Think of the “honeymoon” phase of abusers then do your best to understand that you’ve likely experienced emotional abuse by your son, which makes him a historical abuser despite how ugly that may feel to acknowledge.
Are you and your spouse unified regarding this issue? This is important given the potential risks involved.
There are myriad other questions that we could come up with, but the end result is the same; application of Intelligent Love through critical thinking.
Ok, I’m sorry for this overly-long reply. Good luck and God Bless!
C
