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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 762056" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You have no control of when, how or if he hits rock bottom. There is not one thing you can do to alter what another human being chooses to do. There may be short-term buy-in, say a day, in order for your step-son to secure what secondary gain HE WANTS, but it will have no relationship to what you want or what you think.</p><p></p><p>NOTHING helps unless he wants to help himself. No support, total support, HE will decide and HE will determine what happens. This is the illusion of control, that you are thinking from. All of us here have done the same. It's a trap, a fantasy.</p><p></p><p>Based upon my own experience the above is the likely scenario, but you both have a range of options available to you. Your step-son's expectations have zero relationship to your decisions and actions--unless you allow them to influence you. This is a choice.</p><p></p><p>It is heartbreaking. But that does not mean that your husband's heart or your own, has to break. Again what you're ready for has no relationship at all to what your step-son does or what he's ready for. I am in a situation similar to yours, except I am the parent and my ex, named M, is the step-parent. I have another home where M lives and where sometimes, my son lives with him. My son is IMPOSSIBLE to live with, but I am like your husband--I love my son, what he could have been, and I dread what could happen to him.</p><p></p><p>Trying to help me M is exposed directly to my son's moods, dominance, volatility, chaos, selfishness, self-indulgence, irresponsibility, and general craziness. My son is only there lately a few days a month, before things blow up. It's a terrible way to live. I understand that. I think partly why M puts up with this, is because the general situation works for him. I think he also feels guilt because during the time we were together, he supported me to make certain decisions, that did not pan out. I think there is also loyalty, responsibility and love. So far, M has stayed involved with us.</p><p></p><p>Why I am telling you all of this is that I truly, truly get how difficult this is. I can really see how it can affect an otherwise great relationship. But I also understand how it is (and so do you) to be a parent of a child who is self-destructing.</p><p></p><p>I agree with every single word in Busy's post. I think that there is a way to learn to take care of yourselves and to take care of your relationship. But I don't think that self-care is compatible with involvement with a mentally ill/drug addicted young adult. But our decisions are not necessarily either rational or based upon what is best.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 762056, member: 18958"] You have no control of when, how or if he hits rock bottom. There is not one thing you can do to alter what another human being chooses to do. There may be short-term buy-in, say a day, in order for your step-son to secure what secondary gain HE WANTS, but it will have no relationship to what you want or what you think. NOTHING helps unless he wants to help himself. No support, total support, HE will decide and HE will determine what happens. This is the illusion of control, that you are thinking from. All of us here have done the same. It's a trap, a fantasy. Based upon my own experience the above is the likely scenario, but you both have a range of options available to you. Your step-son's expectations have zero relationship to your decisions and actions--unless you allow them to influence you. This is a choice. It is heartbreaking. But that does not mean that your husband's heart or your own, has to break. Again what you're ready for has no relationship at all to what your step-son does or what he's ready for. I am in a situation similar to yours, except I am the parent and my ex, named M, is the step-parent. I have another home where M lives and where sometimes, my son lives with him. My son is IMPOSSIBLE to live with, but I am like your husband--I love my son, what he could have been, and I dread what could happen to him. Trying to help me M is exposed directly to my son's moods, dominance, volatility, chaos, selfishness, self-indulgence, irresponsibility, and general craziness. My son is only there lately a few days a month, before things blow up. It's a terrible way to live. I understand that. I think partly why M puts up with this, is because the general situation works for him. I think he also feels guilt because during the time we were together, he supported me to make certain decisions, that did not pan out. I think there is also loyalty, responsibility and love. So far, M has stayed involved with us. Why I am telling you all of this is that I truly, truly get how difficult this is. I can really see how it can affect an otherwise great relationship. But I also understand how it is (and so do you) to be a parent of a child who is self-destructing. I agree with every single word in Busy's post. I think that there is a way to learn to take care of yourselves and to take care of your relationship. But I don't think that self-care is compatible with involvement with a mentally ill/drug addicted young adult. But our decisions are not necessarily either rational or based upon what is best. [/QUOTE]
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