Beatdown and Heartbroken

[Shelwith1L]

Hello. I am a 51 year old with a 33 year old son who is battling a heroin addiction along with the use of many other drugs. My husband came across this blog while trying to find help for me. I don't even know where to begin. The drama never seems to end. My son has been to inpatient rehab in 2016 and then moved in with my parents. My husband and I told both of them that we didn't think it was a good idea. He lived with them for 8 months, got a new job, and his own place, and within 4 months he had relapsed. My son detached, from the family, just before the Easter, and it has been quiet and my life has been without the drama. My son has lost two jobs has been evicted from 2 apartments and now his roommates have just thrown him out since he stole the rent money. He's once again homeless. He has lost everything. My son was suicidal on Wednesday and requested help from my mother/grandmother to drive him to a a mental health facility. She is a huge enabler and always seems to pull me in to the drama when my son calls her. I've been to meetings myself and continue to seek some counseling as to keep me on track with living my life and to not enable my son. Needless to say, I was angry when she called and informed me that my son requested the help. She asked me if I wanted to go since he is my son. I was furious, and against my better judgement, I went, since guilted me into it. He was admitted, detoxed, and was discharged after 2 days. Once again, my parents took him in to live with them on Friday. In less than 24 hours he attempted suicide by overdosing in their home. He was taken to the hospital, then re-evaluated at the mental health facility and then he went on to a crisis center. I'm happy to report that he was able to find a bed today at an inpatient rehab facility and asked my husband and I to take him, and we did just that. He has no place to go after he gets out of rehab and I'm looking for any resources that I can provide to him while he is in rehab. Any assistance would be appreciated. I know it's on him to figure it out, but I don't even know where to begin.

 

[Shelwith1L]

Good Morning and thank you for reaching out. I live in PA. I appreciate your suggestions and will research those near my area. I have an appointment with my counselor this evening and will also see what resources she may be able to provide. Although this is a difficult thing for anyone to be going through I'm glad to continue to find different means of support systems. I will be discussing that exact topic at my session to night with my counselor, regarding my mother. She thinks that she is helping and is constantly trying to fix things or people. I have to create some sort of boundaries and will be discussing that with my counselor this evening.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome and sorry you have to be here.

Many more will be along with advice but I did want to welcome you.

It sounds like you are strong and have a lot of things in place to not enable your son. I agree that your parents are enabling him now and as long as they do, he will not get better.

It is very difficult to watch the adult children we love literally try to kill themselves day after day. That is what using drugs means to me. Our journey started when our son was 15 and finding a therapist that specializes in addiction as well as this site has helped me through this journey tremendously. Many here have been through what you have been through so perhaps you can learn from them like I did. When they are under age it is much more difficult at least it was for us. It took years before we even knew WHAT the hell was going on.

We can love them but we cannot do this FOR them. When your son threatens suicide keep calling 911.

Usually after rehab, patients can be placed in sober living with continued care and support. Back home with you or your parents is not wise. You are not a rehab. We are loving parents but not trained on how to handle after care for addiction.

Others will be along to offer their advice and support.

 

[Albatross]

Hi Shel,

I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did. I'm so sorry to read about the heavy toll your son's bad choices have taken.

Having an addicted child and an enabling parent gives a whole new meaning to the term "sandwich generation." No doubt your mother thinks she is helping, and thinks she is doing the right and moral thing...but I wonder if she really understands what you all are dealing with.

So many times I wonder if other folks (family members, well-meaning friends and neighbors, etc.) have any clue at all how incredibly strong, how all-encompassing, the grip of addiction holds on our children. When they are in the thick of it and we try to soften their hard landing, most of the time all we do is give them a more comfortable place to continue to strengthen its grip. And given the chance, they will steal from us, lie to us, and hurt us in any way necessary to continue to feed their beast. That's what addicts do.

But when we love them as much as we love our children and grandchildren, we oftentimes just can't see that.

I hope this latest episode will give your mother pause to consider that she is in well over her head on this one. Your son needs people well-versed in treating addiction. He needs people who can smell his BS and call him on it. As family members, we are much too close to do that.

I'm glad you are getting so much support, Shel. Keep posting. It helps.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi Shel

I am Canadian and. I do not know what resources your state can provide. Many others are in this very same position as you are. They will post and you will find help and support here.

You are not alone.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Shelwith, welcome. I am so sorry you are struggling with your son's heroin addiction. To make sure you receive the most responses, you might consider posting the same thread on the substance abuse forum where those members are well versed in addiction and substance abuse.

You and your parents may find some solace and benefit from the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, it is an excellent resource book. If you believe your son may have mental illness underneath the addiction, you might contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have wonderful resources for parents .......and information, guidance, support and general help.

You might find benefit from the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Your parents may find the information helpful as well. Many of our members attend 12 step meetings, in particular Families anonymous, Al Anon and Narc Anon. If you do attend and that group doesn't work for you, try another, they are all a bit different, keep looking until you find the right one for you.

You can call 211 which is a nationwide service offering support services in your county. You might also contact Delancey Street which has chapters in certain cities and they provide many services for substance abusers and the homeless. Here is a link: Delancey Street Foundation - About Us - Who We Are

You can look up local shelters and food banks as well.

The best advice I can offer you is to take care of yourselves. It's unfortunate that your mother continues to enable your son and then drags you back into the hell of addiction. What most of us learn here is that is it US who do all of the changing since addicts rarely shift gears on their own......to that end I would suggest you do everything you can to keep yourselves well supported..... continue with therapy ...... Attend 12 step groups for the support if that feels right to you.......continue posting here.......learn how to set strict boundaries including with your parents so that they stop dragging you back in. This is not easy, we have to learn how to detach from our adult kids poor choices and unsafe lifestyles.....the most difficult thing most of us have ever done.

Read some of the threads on the Substance Abuse forum where you will likely find more options for rehabs.

I'm glad you found us. You're not alone. Hang in there.....

 

[Shelwith1L]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so very much for all of replies and support. I am going to really step back and let his rehab help assist with my son. I know that they will provide all of the resources and tools that he will need when he is discharged. He has a lot of decisions to make. Presently as I know it, he has no place to go. He really is against going into a halfway house, and I'm not quite sure why that is. But all of you are so right. He needs stability, rules, a structured environment, continued therapy and treatment. My counselor has been great with helping me keep my head on straight, however, I am experiencing an overwhelming amount of anxiety. My son has reached out twice from Rehab and sounds like the son I used to know. He sounds very happy at this time. I know we all want that for our loved ones. As far as my mother is concerned she has apologized (my son overdosing in her bathroom scared the S**T out of her) and I have set some boundaries with her. First and foremost, she is not to undermine me again when it comes to my son. My strength comes from God, so I will continue to pray and take one day at a time. After all, God is in the middle of this crisis.