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Parent Emeritus
Been a long time...difficult child still breaks my heart
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 627184" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Yes it will stop Tess. And the anger and betrayal will subside as well. I've found as many others here, that we have to work at it, we have to commit to our own well being and happiness, we have to get the support we require, put the focus on ourselves, do kind and loving things for ourselves and make our needs and wants our priority. </p><p></p><p>For myself, I needed therapy. I also found a support group facilitated by a therapist where I met other parents dealing with troubled adult kids. I attended CoDa meetings, read a lot of books, continued with my acupuncture appointments which helped to relieve a lot of stress, cleaned up my diet even more, made sure I was exercising regularly, wrote on this board often.......in other words I developed a strong system of support for myself. COM calls them tools. Tools to heal, to grow, to forgive or at least to let go of my own angers and resentments. It took time. But it was worth it.</p><p></p><p>There are many, many losses involved in this journey we find ourselves on. There is a lot of grief, a lot of anger, a lot of disappointment and a lot of guilt. One by one we tackle these emotions and let them go. I usually recommend finding someone to help you traverse this landscape, it is very difficult alone. </p><p></p><p>You've made some real important strides to detach. Now it sounds as if the next step is to let go of all of the left over feelings. And, I realize that is likely a lot. But we do it one step at a time. </p><p></p><p>Two years ago I never would have imagined I could be as free of my daughter's drama as I presently am, but I am. I wanted to find peace of mind. I wanted to not allow her actions and choices to impact my life. I've managed to find my way through that. It was not easy or quick. But I held on, got a lot of help and took very, very good care of myself. </p><p></p><p>Some books you may want to read are, <u>Codependent no mor</u>e by Melodie Beatty and <u>Living in Uncertainty</u> by Pema Chodron, or anything by Pema Chodron. They've been helpful for many of us.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry your heart is hurting Tess. This is a hard, hard road we're on. There is SO MUCH LETTING GO involved. We are not taught how to let go, we have to learn how to do it. Be very kind to yourself Tess, kinder then you've ever ever been to yourself........it will make it all much easier if you can do that first. </p><p></p><p>Seek out help. Have you tried contacting NAMI? The National Alliance on Mental Illness? They have chapters everywhere and they have excellent courses for parents. You will learn a lot there and get support too.</p><p></p><p>There is also Families Anonymous. </p><p></p><p>Put yourself in very supportive environments so you can heal from this. This takes an enormous toll on us parents and sometimes we aren't even aware of how big a toll it really is. You will need to fill yourself back up. You will need to nourish yourself. </p><p></p><p>Stay the course. Keep posting it helps a lot. We're here if you need us. </p><p></p><p>Sending you big hugs Tess, hang in there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 627184, member: 13542"] Yes it will stop Tess. And the anger and betrayal will subside as well. I've found as many others here, that we have to work at it, we have to commit to our own well being and happiness, we have to get the support we require, put the focus on ourselves, do kind and loving things for ourselves and make our needs and wants our priority. For myself, I needed therapy. I also found a support group facilitated by a therapist where I met other parents dealing with troubled adult kids. I attended CoDa meetings, read a lot of books, continued with my acupuncture appointments which helped to relieve a lot of stress, cleaned up my diet even more, made sure I was exercising regularly, wrote on this board often.......in other words I developed a strong system of support for myself. COM calls them tools. Tools to heal, to grow, to forgive or at least to let go of my own angers and resentments. It took time. But it was worth it. There are many, many losses involved in this journey we find ourselves on. There is a lot of grief, a lot of anger, a lot of disappointment and a lot of guilt. One by one we tackle these emotions and let them go. I usually recommend finding someone to help you traverse this landscape, it is very difficult alone. You've made some real important strides to detach. Now it sounds as if the next step is to let go of all of the left over feelings. And, I realize that is likely a lot. But we do it one step at a time. Two years ago I never would have imagined I could be as free of my daughter's drama as I presently am, but I am. I wanted to find peace of mind. I wanted to not allow her actions and choices to impact my life. I've managed to find my way through that. It was not easy or quick. But I held on, got a lot of help and took very, very good care of myself. Some books you may want to read are, [U]Codependent no mor[/U]e by Melodie Beatty and [U]Living in Uncertainty[/U] by Pema Chodron, or anything by Pema Chodron. They've been helpful for many of us. I'm sorry your heart is hurting Tess. This is a hard, hard road we're on. There is SO MUCH LETTING GO involved. We are not taught how to let go, we have to learn how to do it. Be very kind to yourself Tess, kinder then you've ever ever been to yourself........it will make it all much easier if you can do that first. Seek out help. Have you tried contacting NAMI? The National Alliance on Mental Illness? They have chapters everywhere and they have excellent courses for parents. You will learn a lot there and get support too. There is also Families Anonymous. Put yourself in very supportive environments so you can heal from this. This takes an enormous toll on us parents and sometimes we aren't even aware of how big a toll it really is. You will need to fill yourself back up. You will need to nourish yourself. Stay the course. Keep posting it helps a lot. We're here if you need us. Sending you big hugs Tess, hang in there. [/QUOTE]
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