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Parent Emeritus
Been a while, but I'm sure few of you will be surprised that I'm back to square one
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 604469" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome back Wakegirl. I'm sorry I don't recall the details of your former posts, however, unless there are some extenuating circumstances, it certainly sounds like your son needs a giant wake up call. You may want to begin by reading the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Then, as a support for you, you might want to get yourself into some kind of therapy, a support group, al anon, narc anon, family anonymous, something to get you back on YOUR track. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you've given yourself two options and no more. One, you remain a hostage to your sons whims and continue feeling resentment while you watch your life slip away. And the second option is that he is homeless while your heart breaks. I believe that when we only give ourselves those kind of dramatic resolutions, all it serves to do is keep us stuck because both options are negative. </p><p></p><p>There are other options, and they require change and difficult choices. There are homeless shelters, friends couches.........difficult child's have a very good track record for finding ways to keep themselves off of the streets and if they don't, they learn to survive in the street culture. Your son is a man, he is 20 and by your own admission he is entitled. He is not going to do ANYTHING to change the situation because it works for him. It doesn't work for you so YOU must change it. How you do that is you figure out what <u>your </u>boundaries and rules are. You present them to him. In the event, (and it is likely) that he will not comply with your rules you then present the consequences which you've already investigated. One option is eviction. You will need to research what that means in your state so that if you need a court order, even for your adult child, you know what to do to get it. Once you have all your ducks in order, you know what you want, you've laid out the rules as YOU see them, then you will need to follow up with consequences. Life has consequences for our behavior. If he has no consequences then he will not learn nor will he change. Unfortunately the only one who can change any of this is YOU which means you have to learn to STOP ENABLING HIM. </p><p></p><p>If you want your life back then you will need to take ACTION. And that action is hard for us parents. You will need to face your fears about where your son lands if he can't comply with what you want. Most of us need professional help to do that because it is really difficult to let go. </p><p></p><p>I've been very direct. You're stuck. The way to get unstuck is to face the situation head on, learn how to detach, make strong, unbreakable boundaries, follow through on consequences and get yourself help for all of the above. Otherwise find a way to get used to living the way you are, because we live with what we allow. You don't deserve to live this way, but only YOU can change it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 604469, member: 13542"] Welcome back Wakegirl. I'm sorry I don't recall the details of your former posts, however, unless there are some extenuating circumstances, it certainly sounds like your son needs a giant wake up call. You may want to begin by reading the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Then, as a support for you, you might want to get yourself into some kind of therapy, a support group, al anon, narc anon, family anonymous, something to get you back on YOUR track. It sounds like you've given yourself two options and no more. One, you remain a hostage to your sons whims and continue feeling resentment while you watch your life slip away. And the second option is that he is homeless while your heart breaks. I believe that when we only give ourselves those kind of dramatic resolutions, all it serves to do is keep us stuck because both options are negative. There are other options, and they require change and difficult choices. There are homeless shelters, friends couches.........difficult child's have a very good track record for finding ways to keep themselves off of the streets and if they don't, they learn to survive in the street culture. Your son is a man, he is 20 and by your own admission he is entitled. He is not going to do ANYTHING to change the situation because it works for him. It doesn't work for you so YOU must change it. How you do that is you figure out what [U]your [/U]boundaries and rules are. You present them to him. In the event, (and it is likely) that he will not comply with your rules you then present the consequences which you've already investigated. One option is eviction. You will need to research what that means in your state so that if you need a court order, even for your adult child, you know what to do to get it. Once you have all your ducks in order, you know what you want, you've laid out the rules as YOU see them, then you will need to follow up with consequences. Life has consequences for our behavior. If he has no consequences then he will not learn nor will he change. Unfortunately the only one who can change any of this is YOU which means you have to learn to STOP ENABLING HIM. If you want your life back then you will need to take ACTION. And that action is hard for us parents. You will need to face your fears about where your son lands if he can't comply with what you want. Most of us need professional help to do that because it is really difficult to let go. I've been very direct. You're stuck. The way to get unstuck is to face the situation head on, learn how to detach, make strong, unbreakable boundaries, follow through on consequences and get yourself help for all of the above. Otherwise find a way to get used to living the way you are, because we live with what we allow. You don't deserve to live this way, but only YOU can change it. [/QUOTE]
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Been a while, but I'm sure few of you will be surprised that I'm back to square one
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