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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 691361" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Bluebell, welcome, we're glad you came here for support. We so understand. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You sound weary. Weary to the bone. I am so sorry. I think sometimes when they do better, and then they backslide, it is really really hard (harder?) on us. We get up about them, and then we are let so far down.</p><p></p><p>It's impossible to know what will happen next with DCs. What we do know is this: If nothing changes, nothing changes.</p><p></p><p>I tried for years to force change on my son. Everything from literally dragging him out of bed to go to school in high school to writing him long, long letters telling him my hopes and dreams and expectations for him to yelling and screaming to writing contracts to all kinds of help and assistance...just one more time. THIS would be the time that something changes so I'll do it one more time. </p><p></p><p>People don't get what we go through because most of us don't tell them every step we went through before we finally stopped. They wouldn't have the time. </p><p></p><p>I wouldn't wish what we go through with our DCs on anybody. It is exhausting and so painful and it never seems to end. Mine went on, the really really bad years, for more than 5 years. His slow slide started in middle school. He is now almost 27, next month. </p><p></p><p>Two years ago this month is when he decided to start changing. I didn't trust it for a long, long, long time. I had been burned too many times. </p><p></p><p>I got to the point that I could only decide what I would do. I couldn't decide for anybody else, including grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. My parents wanted to give him $200 one time to get out of jail so he wouldn't lose the job he had just gotten. I said no and they respected that, thankfully, but if they had insisted, I was prepared for that. Their circus, not mine. </p><p></p><p>My sister and her husband wanted to help him a few times. I said no, and they respected that, thankfully. </p><p></p><p>I'm sure they were all torn apart about my decisions, as was I.</p><p></p><p>Today, I am so grateful that I finally, finally understand (even though I still don't practice it all the time) that we can only control ourselves and that is a full time job. We can't control one other person in the world except ourselves. </p><p></p><p>So...when the behavior from our DCs becomes impossible to live with, for me, I finally was able to say, no more. You can't come here for any reason whatsoever. One night he got out of jail and walked to my house and pounded on the door. I had written him and said, when you get out, don't come here. He came here anyway. I answered the door, told him to go to the garage, and we got in the car. My plan was to take him to an all-night restaurant, give him $5 for food, and drive back home. Instead, he asked me to drop him at an all night laundromat. When he got out of the car, his parting shot was: F___ You. That helped, that he was mad because I was mad too. </p><p></p><p>I know that story sounds impossible, and only we, we parents here, can understand how you can get to that point. Where you can not and will not do one. more. thing. It takes years to get there. It is an awful, terrible journey. </p><p></p><p>If you can, if you are ready, if and when the grandmother tries to shame you, force you, bully you, into taking him in again, if you can do it, don't do it. </p><p></p><p>I have learned that for many many many of our DCs (not all), it takes completely stopping. Completely. No more, not one more single thing. One time, two summers ago, when Difficult Child was starting his own rehabilitation process (but I didn't trust it, it was only a couple of months old), he walked here after working at McDonald's. He needed a place to sleep. He was exhausted. He was still homeless and he was sleeping outside and walking to work. I said no. Seeing him that tired was very hard, but I said no. </p><p></p><p>I can't believe I did that, now---what I mean is, I can't believe I was able to do that. But I did because years and years and years of his behavior and very bad decisions got me to that point. </p><p></p><p>We are here for you, regardless of what you decide. Please know that. Take what you like and leave the rest. Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 691361, member: 17542"] Bluebell, welcome, we're glad you came here for support. We so understand. You sound weary. Weary to the bone. I am so sorry. I think sometimes when they do better, and then they backslide, it is really really hard (harder?) on us. We get up about them, and then we are let so far down. It's impossible to know what will happen next with DCs. What we do know is this: If nothing changes, nothing changes. I tried for years to force change on my son. Everything from literally dragging him out of bed to go to school in high school to writing him long, long letters telling him my hopes and dreams and expectations for him to yelling and screaming to writing contracts to all kinds of help and assistance...just one more time. THIS would be the time that something changes so I'll do it one more time. People don't get what we go through because most of us don't tell them every step we went through before we finally stopped. They wouldn't have the time. I wouldn't wish what we go through with our DCs on anybody. It is exhausting and so painful and it never seems to end. Mine went on, the really really bad years, for more than 5 years. His slow slide started in middle school. He is now almost 27, next month. Two years ago this month is when he decided to start changing. I didn't trust it for a long, long, long time. I had been burned too many times. I got to the point that I could only decide what I would do. I couldn't decide for anybody else, including grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. My parents wanted to give him $200 one time to get out of jail so he wouldn't lose the job he had just gotten. I said no and they respected that, thankfully, but if they had insisted, I was prepared for that. Their circus, not mine. My sister and her husband wanted to help him a few times. I said no, and they respected that, thankfully. I'm sure they were all torn apart about my decisions, as was I. Today, I am so grateful that I finally, finally understand (even though I still don't practice it all the time) that we can only control ourselves and that is a full time job. We can't control one other person in the world except ourselves. So...when the behavior from our DCs becomes impossible to live with, for me, I finally was able to say, no more. You can't come here for any reason whatsoever. One night he got out of jail and walked to my house and pounded on the door. I had written him and said, when you get out, don't come here. He came here anyway. I answered the door, told him to go to the garage, and we got in the car. My plan was to take him to an all-night restaurant, give him $5 for food, and drive back home. Instead, he asked me to drop him at an all night laundromat. When he got out of the car, his parting shot was: F___ You. That helped, that he was mad because I was mad too. I know that story sounds impossible, and only we, we parents here, can understand how you can get to that point. Where you can not and will not do one. more. thing. It takes years to get there. It is an awful, terrible journey. If you can, if you are ready, if and when the grandmother tries to shame you, force you, bully you, into taking him in again, if you can do it, don't do it. I have learned that for many many many of our DCs (not all), it takes completely stopping. Completely. No more, not one more single thing. One time, two summers ago, when Difficult Child was starting his own rehabilitation process (but I didn't trust it, it was only a couple of months old), he walked here after working at McDonald's. He needed a place to sleep. He was exhausted. He was still homeless and he was sleeping outside and walking to work. I said no. Seeing him that tired was very hard, but I said no. I can't believe I did that, now---what I mean is, I can't believe I was able to do that. But I did because years and years and years of his behavior and very bad decisions got me to that point. We are here for you, regardless of what you decide. Please know that. Take what you like and leave the rest. Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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