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Parent Emeritus
Been here before. Looking for some advice
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740034" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Drew this sounds like a really hard situation to be in. And none of us here can understand all of the nuances from a distance. But it sounds to me like school is something YOU want for her rather than something she wants for herself right now. And when that is the case with our adult children, we put them in a position where they can hurt us by rebelling against what we want. You’re still in the child/parent rebellion struggle: I want you to do this. Well I’m not going to, because it’s what you want and I can get power from denying you what you want. </p><p></p><p>She has to want school for herself. This is her life she Is preparing for, not yours. If she messes up school, the consequences are hers to own, not yours. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like she’s not there. Even without the hair, she would find another external reason she can’t do this right now. She’s anxietal about facing the environment and scared of failure so she’s going to preemptively find an external reason to blame her failure on and then make it a self fulfilling prophecy. Because then she can still say, well I would have been successful if they hadn’t done xxxx. She doesn’t have to look deeply within her self. </p><p></p><p>I think you need to simultaneously make her more accountable and step out of her decision making right now. Because what she needs to be accountable to is not you and your expectations but herself and what she wants for herself. And it doesn’t sound like she’s figured that out yet. </p><p></p><p>So perhaps it’s time to say hey, you don’t want to go to school now? Fine. If you want to withdraw from your classes you can do that, you’re an adult and it’s up to you. Here’s the steps you would need to take. Can you handle that or do you want my help? Do you want to practice what you would need to say? But you have to do something if you’re not in school. You have to go to counseling, and you have to work or volunteer at least x hours each week. Do you want my help figuring out ideas for that or do you want to do it yourself? </p><p></p><p>In other words, offer support, but put her in control of the choices. She has to get out of teenage rebellion thinking and realize that this is about her and her life, not you. </p><p></p><p>It’s ok if she’s not ready for college right now - or ever. There are other life paths. What’s not ok is sitting in her room 24/7 and not contributing in any way to the household, her own support or society. Make figuring out how she wants to do that a collaborative effort that put her in the drivers seat and you in a supportive role. Maybe with the immediate anxiety-provoking threat of college off the table you can all take a step back and regroup a bit. </p><p></p><p>If you’re not seeing a counselor yourself, I highly recommend it. Good luck. This is really tough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740034, member: 23349"] Drew this sounds like a really hard situation to be in. And none of us here can understand all of the nuances from a distance. But it sounds to me like school is something YOU want for her rather than something she wants for herself right now. And when that is the case with our adult children, we put them in a position where they can hurt us by rebelling against what we want. You’re still in the child/parent rebellion struggle: I want you to do this. Well I’m not going to, because it’s what you want and I can get power from denying you what you want. She has to want school for herself. This is her life she Is preparing for, not yours. If she messes up school, the consequences are hers to own, not yours. It sounds like she’s not there. Even without the hair, she would find another external reason she can’t do this right now. She’s anxietal about facing the environment and scared of failure so she’s going to preemptively find an external reason to blame her failure on and then make it a self fulfilling prophecy. Because then she can still say, well I would have been successful if they hadn’t done xxxx. She doesn’t have to look deeply within her self. I think you need to simultaneously make her more accountable and step out of her decision making right now. Because what she needs to be accountable to is not you and your expectations but herself and what she wants for herself. And it doesn’t sound like she’s figured that out yet. So perhaps it’s time to say hey, you don’t want to go to school now? Fine. If you want to withdraw from your classes you can do that, you’re an adult and it’s up to you. Here’s the steps you would need to take. Can you handle that or do you want my help? Do you want to practice what you would need to say? But you have to do something if you’re not in school. You have to go to counseling, and you have to work or volunteer at least x hours each week. Do you want my help figuring out ideas for that or do you want to do it yourself? In other words, offer support, but put her in control of the choices. She has to get out of teenage rebellion thinking and realize that this is about her and her life, not you. It’s ok if she’s not ready for college right now - or ever. There are other life paths. What’s not ok is sitting in her room 24/7 and not contributing in any way to the household, her own support or society. Make figuring out how she wants to do that a collaborative effort that put her in the drivers seat and you in a supportive role. Maybe with the immediate anxiety-provoking threat of college off the table you can all take a step back and regroup a bit. If you’re not seeing a counselor yourself, I highly recommend it. Good luck. This is really tough. [/QUOTE]
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