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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671847" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>My mother has done this, for me.</p><p></p><p>The feeding frenzy, the sense of entitlement <em>and the determination to have all of it at the expense of the other sibs</em> began in my family before my father's death and may always have been the dynamic where my sister is concerned.</p><p></p><p>How extraordinary that this could be true of you too, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>I see it in Copa's sister's behaviors, and in the behaviors of Serenity's sister, as well. That sense of entitlement to hurt, to shame ~ the expectation that it is within the sisters' power to shame and to shun and to destroy loyal and honest connection.</p><p></p><p>The sisters believe this is their right. This is an essential piece in the dynamics of our particular family of origin dysfunction, but I don't see how it all fits together, yet.</p><p></p><p>I see it in Feeling's sister's behaviors. And I think Feeling is not going to like that I say so, but <em>I believe your sister knew exactly what she was doing to you, Feeling. And I believe it was intentional. You are held beneath a transparent film that keeps you imprisoned beneath the unassailable truth that your sister could not help what she did; that she did not know and was not responsible.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Which makes you responsible.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Like me, and like each of us here Feeling, you carry the guilt and shame of the other's choices.</em></p><p></p><p>But you are here with us, now.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>When I think like this about my mother and my sister and how awful everything seems now, then I think I should have protected my mother.</p><p></p><p>That is what Copa did. Came back to protect her mother.</p><p></p><p>Copa does not see the courage in her actions, or the danger.</p><p></p><p>I do.</p><p></p><p>Until we are healed and can see again, we are without defense before the toxic patterns evolved in our dysfunctional families of origin.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This means the sister is lying, Copa. That the witnesses have been poisoned against you in advance. There is nothing you can do I think, Copa. The sister will insist on this dynamic, forever. It is an artifact of her own abuse, maybe.</p><p></p><p>But see the gift you have received in M's sister, Copa, and in all of us.</p><p></p><p>It was never that you were afraid to be alone, Copa. It was that you chose not to.</p><p></p><p>Just like I was doing, with family dinner.</p><p></p><p>Here is a secret, everyone: I admire myself for believing we could.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>"Right needs no defense. <em>Just good witness."</em></p><p></p><p>I forgot who said that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>You guys are fascinating me too much again today.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671847, member: 17461"] My mother has done this, for me. The feeding frenzy, the sense of entitlement [I]and the determination to have all of it at the expense of the other sibs[/I] began in my family before my father's death and may always have been the dynamic where my sister is concerned. How extraordinary that this could be true of you too, Leafy. I see it in Copa's sister's behaviors, and in the behaviors of Serenity's sister, as well. That sense of entitlement to hurt, to shame ~ the expectation that it is within the sisters' power to shame and to shun and to destroy loyal and honest connection. The sisters believe this is their right. This is an essential piece in the dynamics of our particular family of origin dysfunction, but I don't see how it all fits together, yet. I see it in Feeling's sister's behaviors. And I think Feeling is not going to like that I say so, but [I]I believe your sister knew exactly what she was doing to you, Feeling. And I believe it was intentional. You are held beneath a transparent film that keeps you imprisoned beneath the unassailable truth that your sister could not help what she did; that she did not know and was not responsible.[/I] [I]Which makes you responsible.[/I] [I]Like me, and like each of us here Feeling, you carry the guilt and shame of the other's choices.[/I] But you are here with us, now. *** When I think like this about my mother and my sister and how awful everything seems now, then I think I should have protected my mother. That is what Copa did. Came back to protect her mother. Copa does not see the courage in her actions, or the danger. I do. Until we are healed and can see again, we are without defense before the toxic patterns evolved in our dysfunctional families of origin. This means the sister is lying, Copa. That the witnesses have been poisoned against you in advance. There is nothing you can do I think, Copa. The sister will insist on this dynamic, forever. It is an artifact of her own abuse, maybe. But see the gift you have received in M's sister, Copa, and in all of us. It was never that you were afraid to be alone, Copa. It was that you chose not to. Just like I was doing, with family dinner. Here is a secret, everyone: I admire myself for believing we could. *** "Right needs no defense. [I]Just good witness."[/I] I forgot who said that. Cedar You guys are fascinating me too much again today. :O) [/QUOTE]
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