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Family of Origin
Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671868" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My first impulse was to tell you to save him. Uh oh. I forgot until Cedar reminded me that we have detached.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Cedar. He will take his cues from you. I know the area where he lives up north a little bit there is a nature program where they do kayak trips from the ocean up the river. They also teach ocean kayaking in that area. I was going to do it. If you are interested I will get the name. </p><p></p><p>For both of you it would be a good thing to do something fun--that could lead to a hobby. Up north in Santa Cruz there is surfing school and open water swim school. If you and he were to do a class, in something, together, it could open up a new hobby for him. That would be all it takes. These can be solitary pursuits that serve to open up a new world in oneself.</p><p></p><p>I know I am being naggy. I cannot help myself.</p><p></p><p>Think about even Bill Clinton who was nothing at all like a difficult child. Or even Obama. There was nothing at all about these men predictive of their elevati on to be president. Each was catalyzed by their pain domestic violence, separation from fathers, a racial identity that had to be worked out. These wounds catapulted them, not so much that, but fueled them to decide to be president. At a very, very young age. These were decisions to combat a sense of difference, perhaps even shame.</p><p></p><p>I know I am on a tangent, but we lose sight on what propels the development of commitment. It is deciding to master instead of succumb. A decision.</p><p></p><p>We will go to the NY City metropolitan area, I hope, where there is excellent public transportation. You can come, too. We will not drive there. I could not cross the bridges into NYC and M, for now, will not have the legal right to drive and he is as afraid as am I.</p><p></p><p>In my life I have not heard of this, but I will look it up. I think I want to do it too.</p><p></p><p>Yes, thank you Cedar. There is great love. </p><p></p><p>Except I am dreading, the word is <em>dread which I have for thanksgiving. </em>My son had wanted to come to see us a couple of weeks ago, and I said, how about Thanksgiving, and he said, you mean, <em>instead? </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>He is coming to grips with the damage that has been done not to the underlying love but to the relationship by his actions. Of which he has been made aware by my detaching. </p><p></p><p>And I am no longer so ready to submit myself to more suffering, where I get sick and have to hide in my room to survive my son's visits. The thing is when I even think of my son visiting I feel ill. My stomach hurts. </p><p></p><p>I could say, we will come and visit you and we can go out to eat in the Big City, but I already mentioned Thanksgiving. </p><p></p><p>M's sister and I talked about whether or not I will prepare dinner, and she decided that she will. So maybe that will be the solution. My son can come with us there, or not. His choice. </p><p></p><p>I do not want him to stay days and days. I can deal with 2 nights. Coming Wednesday night, leaving Friday mid-day. At most. </p><p></p><p>To write this I am forced to confront how much I do not want him here. It was all so, so hard. I have gotten so much better. I do not want to suffer, again.</p><p></p><p>This is painful. After I adopted my son and I began to see my Mother and sister again, I refused to call my mother, Mommy or Mama. It took years because I did not want to give her what I felt was that honor, because I felt she had failed me, and I could not let my mouth form the word. </p><p></p><p>I was wrong. For her, and for myself. Why did I want to punish her that way? It makes me sad and mildly ashamed. How sad for both of us. </p><p></p><p>I believe looking back I was very like a D C. </p><p></p><p>Cedar, why are you and D H concerned that I might decide to physically turn into my mother? I could not really because I am 6 inches taller.</p><p></p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 671868, member: 18958"] My first impulse was to tell you to save him. Uh oh. I forgot until Cedar reminded me that we have detached. I agree with Cedar. He will take his cues from you. I know the area where he lives up north a little bit there is a nature program where they do kayak trips from the ocean up the river. They also teach ocean kayaking in that area. I was going to do it. If you are interested I will get the name. For both of you it would be a good thing to do something fun--that could lead to a hobby. Up north in Santa Cruz there is surfing school and open water swim school. If you and he were to do a class, in something, together, it could open up a new hobby for him. That would be all it takes. These can be solitary pursuits that serve to open up a new world in oneself. I know I am being naggy. I cannot help myself. Think about even Bill Clinton who was nothing at all like a difficult child. Or even Obama. There was nothing at all about these men predictive of their elevati on to be president. Each was catalyzed by their pain domestic violence, separation from fathers, a racial identity that had to be worked out. These wounds catapulted them, not so much that, but fueled them to decide to be president. At a very, very young age. These were decisions to combat a sense of difference, perhaps even shame. I know I am on a tangent, but we lose sight on what propels the development of commitment. It is deciding to master instead of succumb. A decision. We will go to the NY City metropolitan area, I hope, where there is excellent public transportation. You can come, too. We will not drive there. I could not cross the bridges into NYC and M, for now, will not have the legal right to drive and he is as afraid as am I. In my life I have not heard of this, but I will look it up. I think I want to do it too. Yes, thank you Cedar. There is great love. Except I am dreading, the word is [I]dread which I have for thanksgiving. [/I]My son had wanted to come to see us a couple of weeks ago, and I said, how about Thanksgiving, and he said, you mean, [I]instead? [/I] He is coming to grips with the damage that has been done not to the underlying love but to the relationship by his actions. Of which he has been made aware by my detaching. And I am no longer so ready to submit myself to more suffering, where I get sick and have to hide in my room to survive my son's visits. The thing is when I even think of my son visiting I feel ill. My stomach hurts. I could say, we will come and visit you and we can go out to eat in the Big City, but I already mentioned Thanksgiving. M's sister and I talked about whether or not I will prepare dinner, and she decided that she will. So maybe that will be the solution. My son can come with us there, or not. His choice. I do not want him to stay days and days. I can deal with 2 nights. Coming Wednesday night, leaving Friday mid-day. At most. To write this I am forced to confront how much I do not want him here. It was all so, so hard. I have gotten so much better. I do not want to suffer, again. This is painful. After I adopted my son and I began to see my Mother and sister again, I refused to call my mother, Mommy or Mama. It took years because I did not want to give her what I felt was that honor, because I felt she had failed me, and I could not let my mouth form the word. I was wrong. For her, and for myself. Why did I want to punish her that way? It makes me sad and mildly ashamed. How sad for both of us. I believe looking back I was very like a D C. Cedar, why are you and D H concerned that I might decide to physically turn into my mother? I could not really because I am 6 inches taller. COPA [/QUOTE]
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