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Being who we are, even if FOO is different and doesn't like it
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 672683" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think you reached out because that is what is in your heart to do, Copa. I think it could be true that we have no choice but to love them. In Nietzsche's sense of love being what comes first. We have been surprised so many times by what they say and do. The difference now is that we understand that what they did was not something we misunderstood, and it was not an error or an unacknowledged rudeness on our part that called it. This is what I think I know about vulnerable and alone according to the sisters' mindsets: Neither vulnerable nor alone exist in the sisters' mindsets, Copa. They are not like us. To us, alone means bereft. To them, alone means no one applauding. To us, vulnerable means puzzled; means willing to explore and find middle ground and address whatever it was that was wrong so we can come all together as family.</p><p></p><p>To them, vulnerable means alone, and alone means no one applauding.</p><p></p><p>And nothing more.</p><p></p><p>Maybe they cannot help how they are anymore than we can. That is why we must learn to be wise, and to be wary. Because we do love them, and that makes us vulnerable to them. And to them, love is applause, is the bright light of grandiosity; is more and more and more.</p><p></p><p>And for them, we are not enough.</p><p></p><p>And for us, they are.</p><p></p><p>So, we have to be very aware of that dynamic.</p><p></p><p>The sisters do not know us, Copa. They do not have those reflections that guide us in their hearts anymore than we have even a way to decipher the reflections in theirs.</p><p></p><p>But I think we do not get to choose who we love.</p><p></p><p>And I don't think the sisters can choose to love, at all. Not in the way we understand it.</p><p></p><p>Which doesn't mean it hurts any less.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>As we come more strongly through and into our own Copa, as we learn to see only through our own eyes and never through those of the abuser again, their interpretations will not concern us.</p><p></p><p>But I do think we will always love them. I think we will miss them so many times. What we need to remember is that the sisters we loved never existed.</p><p></p><p>All along, the whole time Copa, they were the sisters we see now that we are beginning to see ourselves through our own eyes.</p><p></p><p>And never again, through the eyes of the abuser, who sees through the film of the dysfunctional family dynamic and somehow, cannot see any other way.</p><p></p><p>It seems so easy to us, Copa. But I think what it is is that the sisters literally cannot see in that other way. Nothing else makes sense. Especially when I think how cheap were the things bought with my pain <em>or with my child's</em>...surely, no sane person would choose to see that way. There was a time when I believed it all had to do with the pain of the way we were brought up. I am not so sure at all that is what it is, anymore. There are sisters who have been raised as we have who are real sisters, one to another. The shared trauma draws them together and they love and cherish and protect.</p><p></p><p>They do not sully the sister's beautiful white belongings and return them unwashed.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I see what you are saying here, Copa. It has me thinking about my sister having her children perform and perform. Here is the other thing that I see: <em>Healthy, loving families believe each of their members is superior, is beautiful and perfect and pure. </em>Think of the Kennedy's. Rose, lobotomized and broken because she was mentally ill <em>and they loved her and believed in her and created something incredible, something that would never have existed had she not lived. </em>It isn't that these families are perfect. It is that they have love in the heart of them. Contempt and hatred and terrible judgment and ostracization do not live, there in those families. Those things find no purchase in their hearts.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>In our families of origin, those things do find purchase.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I don't know why.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p></p><p><em>And the sister took every advantage of that, Copa. From your mother, and from you, too.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I am stuck in italics. Roar. She was very strong, and beautiful and gentle, Copa. I still miss her, and think of her often and wonder how she is. I love son's current person, too. She is very beautiful, and gentle and kind, and a good mother. Our son is different now than he was, then. Hardened. Meaner. Not so much joking around and those that slip through, often inappropriate. I think son will come through well...but I think it is late in the day, and so much has been lost and so many bad things have happened.</em></p><p></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I am pleased for you too, Copa.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And for me. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And I love bulbous legged tables and lots of books and a chandelier or pendant lights. In my envisionment, the carpet will be deep green though.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I am not so enamored of Oriental carpets.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We do, however, have beautiful, leaded glass French doors.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I love the idea of lots of lush, green plants, and the scent of them.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>It's disrespectful.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>For the sister to drink it all. Disrespectful. Perhaps she feels entitled to any fine thing that is yours, to drink it up or destroy it.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Added: I think not entitled. I think: To destroy what Copa has, all of it, and Copa too, if I can. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I think my sister is the same.</em></p><p><em> </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>This will come as we post here, Copa. We are coming to see ourselves through our own eyes. It will not be that the sisters are smaller. It will be that we will take precedence in our hearts and lives, instead of them. We were raised protecting them.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>You were beat for your sister's legitimacy in the family created.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>It has not occurred to you yet that this was wrong. Not the beating, but the thing that was bought with your pain.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We are coming back from brainwashing. Even adult soldiers who know their situations going in require time to come fully back to themselves.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>We were only little girls.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>No. (Looks like I know everything again today. Good. I like it that way. :O)</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>No. Based on what I see between my mother and my sister, the game intensifies. I think at first they unite against one after the other sibling or husband (remember my posting about the things my mother has told my sister's daughters, and each of her husbands). Then, once the other sibs have been either excluded or forced to accept the shunning in place pattern and the mother's possessions are firmly in the sister's hands, the sister will find some justification to desert the mother.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Maybe, something as horrible as that the mother expresses love and interest in the child shunned. Or maybe, that is the mother's game. I am not sure about this part. Or anything, really. But that is what makes sense to me. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And it draws in another player and the game continues.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Step away, Copa.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I'm so sorry, but I think the situation is not going to change for either one of us. D H tells me I will need to be wary and very wise and on my toes when my mother dies.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Our sisters do not play well alone.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>There must always be a villain. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>How mean of me to say so, and probably I am wrong where your sister is concerned. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And maybe, even where my sister is concerned.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I have been wrong in my life.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I think it was a Wednesday.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>:O)</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Roar these italics are cramping my style.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>I will begin another post.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Cedar</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em> </em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 672683, member: 17461"] I think you reached out because that is what is in your heart to do, Copa. I think it could be true that we have no choice but to love them. In Nietzsche's sense of love being what comes first. We have been surprised so many times by what they say and do. The difference now is that we understand that what they did was not something we misunderstood, and it was not an error or an unacknowledged rudeness on our part that called it. This is what I think I know about vulnerable and alone according to the sisters' mindsets: Neither vulnerable nor alone exist in the sisters' mindsets, Copa. They are not like us. To us, alone means bereft. To them, alone means no one applauding. To us, vulnerable means puzzled; means willing to explore and find middle ground and address whatever it was that was wrong so we can come all together as family. To them, vulnerable means alone, and alone means no one applauding. And nothing more. Maybe they cannot help how they are anymore than we can. That is why we must learn to be wise, and to be wary. Because we do love them, and that makes us vulnerable to them. And to them, love is applause, is the bright light of grandiosity; is more and more and more. And for them, we are not enough. And for us, they are. So, we have to be very aware of that dynamic. The sisters do not know us, Copa. They do not have those reflections that guide us in their hearts anymore than we have even a way to decipher the reflections in theirs. But I think we do not get to choose who we love. And I don't think the sisters can choose to love, at all. Not in the way we understand it. Which doesn't mean it hurts any less. As we come more strongly through and into our own Copa, as we learn to see only through our own eyes and never through those of the abuser again, their interpretations will not concern us. But I do think we will always love them. I think we will miss them so many times. What we need to remember is that the sisters we loved never existed. All along, the whole time Copa, they were the sisters we see now that we are beginning to see ourselves through our own eyes. And never again, through the eyes of the abuser, who sees through the film of the dysfunctional family dynamic and somehow, cannot see any other way. It seems so easy to us, Copa. But I think what it is is that the sisters literally cannot see in that other way. Nothing else makes sense. Especially when I think how cheap were the things bought with my pain [I]or with my child's[/I]...surely, no sane person would choose to see that way. There was a time when I believed it all had to do with the pain of the way we were brought up. I am not so sure at all that is what it is, anymore. There are sisters who have been raised as we have who are real sisters, one to another. The shared trauma draws them together and they love and cherish and protect. They do not sully the sister's beautiful white belongings and return them unwashed. I see what you are saying here, Copa. It has me thinking about my sister having her children perform and perform. Here is the other thing that I see: [I]Healthy, loving families believe each of their members is superior, is beautiful and perfect and pure. [/I]Think of the Kennedy's. Rose, lobotomized and broken because she was mentally ill [I]and they loved her and believed in her and created something incredible, something that would never have existed had she not lived. [/I]It isn't that these families are perfect. It is that they have love in the heart of them. Contempt and hatred and terrible judgment and ostracization do not live, there in those families. Those things find no purchase in their hearts. [I] In our families of origin, those things do find purchase. [/I] I don't know why. [I] [/I] [I]And the sister took every advantage of that, Copa. From your mother, and from you, too. I am stuck in italics. Roar. She was very strong, and beautiful and gentle, Copa. I still miss her, and think of her often and wonder how she is. I love son's current person, too. She is very beautiful, and gentle and kind, and a good mother. Our son is different now than he was, then. Hardened. Meaner. Not so much joking around and those that slip through, often inappropriate. I think son will come through well...but I think it is late in the day, and so much has been lost and so many bad things have happened.[/I] [I] I am pleased for you too, Copa. And for me. And I love bulbous legged tables and lots of books and a chandelier or pendant lights. In my envisionment, the carpet will be deep green though. I am not so enamored of Oriental carpets. We do, however, have beautiful, leaded glass French doors. I love the idea of lots of lush, green plants, and the scent of them. It's disrespectful. For the sister to drink it all. Disrespectful. Perhaps she feels entitled to any fine thing that is yours, to drink it up or destroy it.[/I] [I]Added: I think not entitled. I think: To destroy what Copa has, all of it, and Copa too, if I can. I think my sister is the same. This will come as we post here, Copa. We are coming to see ourselves through our own eyes. It will not be that the sisters are smaller. It will be that we will take precedence in our hearts and lives, instead of them. We were raised protecting them. You were beat for your sister's legitimacy in the family created. It has not occurred to you yet that this was wrong. Not the beating, but the thing that was bought with your pain. We are coming back from brainwashing. Even adult soldiers who know their situations going in require time to come fully back to themselves. We were only little girls. No. (Looks like I know everything again today. Good. I like it that way. :O) No. Based on what I see between my mother and my sister, the game intensifies. I think at first they unite against one after the other sibling or husband (remember my posting about the things my mother has told my sister's daughters, and each of her husbands). Then, once the other sibs have been either excluded or forced to accept the shunning in place pattern and the mother's possessions are firmly in the sister's hands, the sister will find some justification to desert the mother. Maybe, something as horrible as that the mother expresses love and interest in the child shunned. Or maybe, that is the mother's game. I am not sure about this part. Or anything, really. But that is what makes sense to me. And it draws in another player and the game continues. Step away, Copa. I'm so sorry, but I think the situation is not going to change for either one of us. D H tells me I will need to be wary and very wise and on my toes when my mother dies. Our sisters do not play well alone. There must always be a villain. How mean of me to say so, and probably I am wrong where your sister is concerned. And maybe, even where my sister is concerned. I have been wrong in my life. I think it was a Wednesday. :O) Roar these italics are cramping my style. I will begin another post. Cedar [/I] [/QUOTE]
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