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BiPolar (BP)/ADHD Daughter pregnant again and soon homeless At 18
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 416192" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi and welcome! I am sorry you are dealing with this, but happy to meet you. </p><p> </p><p>In this life we fill many roles, some our choice and some not. We also have to prioritize these roles and how we handle them. right now you are wearing the hats of mom, gma, and wife (many more but those are the ones I am concentrating on) and trying to figure out how not to have your own breakdown from the stress. While youare also in the role of Dawn, I suspect that it has been ignored for a long time. </p><p> </p><p>It is time to sit and look at those roles and really think.</p><p> </p><p>If you don't put Dawn first in many ways, it will take a huge toll on you. Many of us have acquired very serious problems - including heart attacks and strokes at very young ages) - because we just had too much stress and too much pressure and we didn't care for ourselves. Cliche as it is, you truly do have to put your own oxygen mask on first, then the kids' masks or no one ahs a chance in a plane crash. Right now you are in that crash. </p><p> </p><p>You are actually wearing 4 mom hats - one for each kid. You chose to have these kids and to love them and be responsible for them. I am positive that you are a great mom and that your difficult child's problems are HERS and NOT YOURS. Youdidn't cause them, you cannot take them away, and you cannot fix them. difficult child had every advantage and chose to use none of them for the best.</p><p> </p><p>You are not just her mom. You are the mom for the other kids too. What would you do if a total stranger came and treated your family the way your daughter is? Would you invite her, her boyfriend, and her kids to live with you? Or would you protect your other children from this influence/threat/chaos/dysfunction? I am betting a stranger wouldn't get past the door if they had treated you the way your difficult child has, and not even on the PROPERTY if the person treated your children the way difficult child has/does.</p><p> </p><p>You also have a spouse. The two of you need to be on the same page with this. United to insist on whatever is right for the FAMILY. Not for difficult child, for the family. difficult children are hugely stressful and their parents NEED both indiv and marriage therapy to make it through. At least the ones I know have truly benefited from this. even husband and I did.</p><p> </p><p>You are difficult child's mom. Always will be. Right now what she wants and needs are very different and she is dead set on doing whatever will upset/distress you. Add the other problems (is BiPolar (BP) borderline personality disorder or bipolar? We have members with either or both, but it can be helpful to know which one so we can help you understand it better) and it is one mell of a hess with your difficult child. </p><p> </p><p>Realistically there is nothing at all that you can make her do except not be on your property or in your face or hurting the kids. I would make sure the locks got changed so she couldn't come in when you were not home, and I would work on getting every family member to lock the doors even if they are home. </p><p> </p><p>You are so close to your grandchild, or were, and I know you love her. I don't know what is right for the babies, but I do know that you and your husband need to work this out together. Neither of youshould even discuss this with anyone except each other and a therapist. </p><p> </p><p>Much as it hurts, you have to put some hats on and not others. Personally, a time came when I had to put my other kids in front of my difficult child. It tore me apart in so many ways, but I could not sacrifice my other children, my marriage and myself on the altar of my child's gfgness. Even if i could, I wouldn't. Not only would he not have been likely to care (or notice), but it would be sending an extremely unhealthy message to him. </p><p> </p><p>I <em>think</em> that I would choose my self, wife, and parent of other 3 kids on a more important level than difficult child. She would be on my lowest level until she truly was willing to WORK for treatment and a better life. Otherwise Iwould have to have minimal contact that ended with the first disrepectful, ugly, or rude thing that she did. Hang up, escort her out, call 911 if she won't leave. </p><p> </p><p>I have no grands, so others can advise on that issue. I do know that if I took them in my home it would be with full custody, limited supervised visits (supervised by someone else - NOT you, husband or another family member), and I would be SURE to ask DSS for assistance with financial support, and with paying for therapy for ALL of you - even difficult child if she wanted to go. I would NOT allow difficult child on the property with-o a witness to her actions that is not a family member.</p><p> </p><p>This is too hard and totally unfair to everyone involved. These are just my ideas and thoughts, and if they help that is great - otherwise ignore them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 416192, member: 1233"] Hi and welcome! I am sorry you are dealing with this, but happy to meet you. In this life we fill many roles, some our choice and some not. We also have to prioritize these roles and how we handle them. right now you are wearing the hats of mom, gma, and wife (many more but those are the ones I am concentrating on) and trying to figure out how not to have your own breakdown from the stress. While youare also in the role of Dawn, I suspect that it has been ignored for a long time. It is time to sit and look at those roles and really think. If you don't put Dawn first in many ways, it will take a huge toll on you. Many of us have acquired very serious problems - including heart attacks and strokes at very young ages) - because we just had too much stress and too much pressure and we didn't care for ourselves. Cliche as it is, you truly do have to put your own oxygen mask on first, then the kids' masks or no one ahs a chance in a plane crash. Right now you are in that crash. You are actually wearing 4 mom hats - one for each kid. You chose to have these kids and to love them and be responsible for them. I am positive that you are a great mom and that your difficult child's problems are HERS and NOT YOURS. Youdidn't cause them, you cannot take them away, and you cannot fix them. difficult child had every advantage and chose to use none of them for the best. You are not just her mom. You are the mom for the other kids too. What would you do if a total stranger came and treated your family the way your daughter is? Would you invite her, her boyfriend, and her kids to live with you? Or would you protect your other children from this influence/threat/chaos/dysfunction? I am betting a stranger wouldn't get past the door if they had treated you the way your difficult child has, and not even on the PROPERTY if the person treated your children the way difficult child has/does. You also have a spouse. The two of you need to be on the same page with this. United to insist on whatever is right for the FAMILY. Not for difficult child, for the family. difficult children are hugely stressful and their parents NEED both indiv and marriage therapy to make it through. At least the ones I know have truly benefited from this. even husband and I did. You are difficult child's mom. Always will be. Right now what she wants and needs are very different and she is dead set on doing whatever will upset/distress you. Add the other problems (is BiPolar (BP) borderline personality disorder or bipolar? We have members with either or both, but it can be helpful to know which one so we can help you understand it better) and it is one mell of a hess with your difficult child. Realistically there is nothing at all that you can make her do except not be on your property or in your face or hurting the kids. I would make sure the locks got changed so she couldn't come in when you were not home, and I would work on getting every family member to lock the doors even if they are home. You are so close to your grandchild, or were, and I know you love her. I don't know what is right for the babies, but I do know that you and your husband need to work this out together. Neither of youshould even discuss this with anyone except each other and a therapist. Much as it hurts, you have to put some hats on and not others. Personally, a time came when I had to put my other kids in front of my difficult child. It tore me apart in so many ways, but I could not sacrifice my other children, my marriage and myself on the altar of my child's gfgness. Even if i could, I wouldn't. Not only would he not have been likely to care (or notice), but it would be sending an extremely unhealthy message to him. I [I]think[/I] that I would choose my self, wife, and parent of other 3 kids on a more important level than difficult child. She would be on my lowest level until she truly was willing to WORK for treatment and a better life. Otherwise Iwould have to have minimal contact that ended with the first disrepectful, ugly, or rude thing that she did. Hang up, escort her out, call 911 if she won't leave. I have no grands, so others can advise on that issue. I do know that if I took them in my home it would be with full custody, limited supervised visits (supervised by someone else - NOT you, husband or another family member), and I would be SURE to ask DSS for assistance with financial support, and with paying for therapy for ALL of you - even difficult child if she wanted to go. I would NOT allow difficult child on the property with-o a witness to her actions that is not a family member. This is too hard and totally unfair to everyone involved. These are just my ideas and thoughts, and if they help that is great - otherwise ignore them. [/QUOTE]
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BiPolar (BP)/ADHD Daughter pregnant again and soon homeless At 18
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