Blue Monday

[kitty9259]

Hi everyone

haven't written in a while, but you have all been in my prayers.

I'm going to write this morning as if this is going into an abyss and no one will read it, that way I can be honest with myself.

You all seem so strong, I wonder when I will get to that point? I wonder when the everyday tasks I must proform will not be clouded with a sadness so profound that it's difficult to get out of bed and I will not be counting the hours untill I can sleep again. I miss my son, after all he has done, I still miss him so badly it takes my breath away.
He has refused to pay the student loan, so I gave the loan people his address and phone number over there at church families house. He's so angry that I did this he won't speak to me at all now. Where is my anger?? Every time I start to get angry I think of this boys eyes, so full of sadness and devoid of all light...the walking dead it seemed. How could I have reached him? How could I have gotten through to him??I am consumed with how I could have done things diffrently, they play out in my head all day long. I have failed at the only thing that mattered. I yelled too much, said some horrible things, was too controlling, exspected so much from him.I had orchastrated his whole life and now it is so hard to let go and watch as he falls.

Now Christmas is upon us, what do I do? Hang his stocking and put up the tree as usual?? What do I buy him that this church family will not take away from him?? WAS IT SO BAD HERE THAT HE PREFERS TO LIVE THERE?? He sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag in their basement....

I keep waking every morning thinking it will get better, but it never does.

 

[WhymeMom?]

Sorry for your sadness. Are you seeing anyone for counseling? I have reached a point in my detaching where I can see that my sons choices are NOT mine. Hey, I have a life too and it needs living. You have become so overwhelmed by your son's life choices that it has become your life's focus. This can really drain you and it sounds like you are at that point. Time for a doctor visit? You may need big help in getting past this..... Having a difficult child is not for sissies.....hope you can find a beneficial way to deal with your pain....You have done what you could and HE must take over his own life....YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL....find help to deal with your depression!

 

[goldenguru]

(((hugs))) Kitty~

Just a couple of thoughts. I might suggest you talk to your doctor about getting on some AD medications. You sound as if you're depressed or on the brink of depression. Therapy would be helpful too.

It also sounds to me like you are mourning. You have had some significant losses - a divorce is a great loss - and a troubled child is also a great loss. Both are going to require some 'mourning'.

Rest assured that we have all wrestled with the things you mention. It's ok to reflect on the 'what if's' for a period of time - but - it is very important then to move forward with your own life.

We all do the best we can - or could do at the time- with our kids. When they are adults their choices belong to them and them alone.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Christmas is a really difficult time of year for so many people. Keep that in mind.

Come and pour your heart 'into the abyss' as often as you need to. We can't fix it - wish we could - but we are listening and at some level understand where you're coming from.

More hugs.

 

[KFld]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Maybe you should put up the tree and as xmas gets closer take him out to lunch. They can't take that away from him.

I do hope you see a doctor though, or seek counseling. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Just remember that you did nothing to cause him to prefer living where he is. This is his choice. You did the best you could.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

(((((((((((((kitty)))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart.

Others have said it. You need to take care of you. Detach from the situation with your son because there is nothing that you can do to change it. There is nothing that you did to CAUSE it, either. He is responsible for his own choices. Try not to look at it as "was life so horrible here that he had to go there". Remember, he went there fresh out of the hospital. They got him at a weak moment in his life and possibly promised him the moon. You cannot change his mind, and if you try, he may resent you more.

Detach. Grieve. It seems like the exact opposite of what feels right. But it is what is going to make YOU feel better. You have a life out there and you are never going to live it if you keep wondering what if.

Keep posting here. We'll be your strength along the way.

 

[DDD]

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. The suggestion to seek
medication is a good one. About a year ago I went to the MD and
he put me on Lexapro. It quickly allowed me to function with-o the
near constant sense of pain and fear. The spontaneous tearing up
(something that had never happened in over 60 years!!) ended. I
continued to feel what I should feel but I was not controlled by
those feelings. For me the medication got me "over the hump" and back
to feeling some control in my life. It was a temporary need that
I had and didn't recognize until a CD family member suggested it.
Give some thought to seeking a little help. Meanwhile, I will
remember you in my thoughts and prayers. DDD

 

[Hound dog]

Kitty

((((hugs))))

As parents we can only do our best with the tools and knowledge we have at the time. You did that. We are human and we all make mistakes. I know there are many things I go back and do differently if I had a time machine. But that doesn't change the fact that we did the best we could.

I yelled too much, said some horrible things, was too controlling, exspected so much from him.

This statement worries me because it sounds like your taking on the guilt of difficult child's behavior. You have no control over the decisions difficult child makes as an adult. You gave him a good foundation. It's up to him now to use it or not. Taking on the guilt that belongs to difficult child isn't beneficial to either of you.

Talking with a counselor might be a good way for you to work through these feelings.

I'm so sorry your hurting.

Hugs

 

[crazymama30]

Your difficult child's choices are not your fault. It sounds like he may be involved in a cult, and if that is the case he may very well have been brainwashed. He was vulnerable most likely to begin with and this is not your fault. If the "church" does anything illegal you can turn them in.

I agree with those who said you sound like you may be depressed. Call a therapist, make an appointment. You have had some rough times in your life lately, and may need a little help getting through this.

 

[Terryforvols]

I agree with all the above. I, too, was very controlling in trying to save my difficult child. I have learned since that trying to "control" is normal in a very abnormal situation, you were trying to SAVE your child, which, much to my chagrin was impossible because only they can save themselves!! Try detaching as much as possible and grieve. It's terribly hard at any time of the year, but the holidays increase that!

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember -- IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT OR YOUR DECISION!!

 

[standswithcourage]

I had your same thoughts today. My son is 24 and in jail. He has not had his hearing yet but I dont know what will happen to him. I am afraid for him even though it was his choices. My emotions go back to his childhood days of wonderful times. I too revisit what I did wrong or what I didnt notice before - how I could have handled it better - did I yell too much or not listen - on and on. You cannot beat yourself up it will just drain you emotionally. I go to Alanon a support group for parents. It helps me to talk to others that have the same problem. I also take Zoloft and it helps.

 

[kitty9259]

Thanks,,,,started taking my welbutren....put the christmas tree up and all of difficult child's ornaments are on it. Almost cried when I hung his little hand painted gingerbread man he made for me when he was 7.....BUT I didn't.medications must be helping. You know how some days you see it very clearly and others are clouded by those thoughts of "what if". I'm sure you did your best, and I'm sure (most of the time) that I did too. Maybe oneday they will wake up. I was a bad teen. I still tell my dad every now and then that I'm sorry. It's great that we have others here to relate to, I was begining to think that everyone else in the world drove a minivan with a " my kid is an honor student" bumper sticker on it!!!

 

[catwoman]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. The first holiday season without my son was awful. It physically hurt just to breathe. I fought the idea of antidepressants for a long time but finally realized I had to to something or I would end up in the hospital I'm glad you're trying Wellbutren. I take Zoloft and it helps immensely. I had no contact with my son for 5 years and I don't think I would have survived without it. Also, come here as often as you can. I was here every morning and every evening. This is the only place that people understand what we go through.