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Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Boundaries/Detachment, etc. Need advice for a friend
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 422864"><p>I LIKE what you said. </p><p>On one hand, since I understand how VERY hard this all is, I do comprehend the enormity of the situation and empathize with my friend.</p><p>On the other hand, given the extreme situation she is in .... two adult difficult children...with many children....financially supporting so many people....one on drugs....etc. It is hard for me to fully comprehend how she has not set boundaries/limits as of yet.</p><p>She does seem to be crawling in that direction.</p><p>I relate to what you said about yourself and myself for that matter. It is so very hard. Surely, most of us here, if not all of us, have been slow to see how detachment is needed and we mess up.</p><p>Setting boundaries/limits around ourselves makes perfect sense. I have heard it said that these boundaries/limits are often more for US than for the difficult children.</p><p>I know husband and I got to the point (although drug is not the issue in our house) that we realize that our lives/sanity and future was at stake and frankly, nothing was going to stand in the way of these precious things. What else is there in life?</p><p>Just like a difficult child....does my friend have to go down with the ship...or hit rock bottom to see the light?</p><p>Al Anon (she attends) is helping a little. husband and I went to two meetings of FA and got the message loud and clear.</p><p>We were ready for detachment mode and welcomed it with open arms.</p><p>I do have mixed/conflicting feelings about requiring an addicted difficult child to go to counseling in order to stay in the home. It is controlling and kinda desperate. They should want to go.</p><p>But, I suggested to her that since it is your house, you have every right to make the rules and she should set some rules/limits/boundaries up and she shouldn't budge on them and let one of them be for her adult child to attend AA and/or go to therapy. If AC1 choses NOT to go...too bad, so sad. The other rules can be basic: no using in the home, no abuse physical or emotional, etc. If AC1 can't follow the rules...then AC1 can be invited to live elsewhere.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 422864"] I LIKE what you said. On one hand, since I understand how VERY hard this all is, I do comprehend the enormity of the situation and empathize with my friend. On the other hand, given the extreme situation she is in .... two adult difficult children...with many children....financially supporting so many people....one on drugs....etc. It is hard for me to fully comprehend how she has not set boundaries/limits as of yet. She does seem to be crawling in that direction. I relate to what you said about yourself and myself for that matter. It is so very hard. Surely, most of us here, if not all of us, have been slow to see how detachment is needed and we mess up. Setting boundaries/limits around ourselves makes perfect sense. I have heard it said that these boundaries/limits are often more for US than for the difficult children. I know husband and I got to the point (although drug is not the issue in our house) that we realize that our lives/sanity and future was at stake and frankly, nothing was going to stand in the way of these precious things. What else is there in life? Just like a difficult child....does my friend have to go down with the ship...or hit rock bottom to see the light? Al Anon (she attends) is helping a little. husband and I went to two meetings of FA and got the message loud and clear. We were ready for detachment mode and welcomed it with open arms. I do have mixed/conflicting feelings about requiring an addicted difficult child to go to counseling in order to stay in the home. It is controlling and kinda desperate. They should want to go. But, I suggested to her that since it is your house, you have every right to make the rules and she should set some rules/limits/boundaries up and she shouldn't budge on them and let one of them be for her adult child to attend AA and/or go to therapy. If AC1 choses NOT to go...too bad, so sad. The other rules can be basic: no using in the home, no abuse physical or emotional, etc. If AC1 can't follow the rules...then AC1 can be invited to live elsewhere. [/QUOTE]
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