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Family of Origin
Boundaries...Please read Copa and Cedar...please answer. Thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 667163" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Ok here are some of my thoughts. I totally agree setting boundaries is about what is good for you and what you need. The thing is though is the other person may have a reaction to that boundary which you might not intend but will happen anywaay... and sometimes, but definitely not always, it is important to consider that.</p><p></p><p>I know for me if I am told a topic is off limits then I feel shut down, especially if it is one that is important to me.... so in a sense I do feel kind of infringed upon. Although I certainly get that sometimes a subject is too painful or hard for the other person to talk about and they certainly have a right to set that boundary. Sometimes it is very important to do this.... years ago I finally told me sister in law and brother in law to stop telling me the crazy, stupid, hurtful but so ridiculous they were funny things my mother in law said about me. They have totally respected my request and my relationship with my mother in law is better for it. I am sure at times she still says terrible things about me but now I dont know it and I am better off.</p><p></p><p>In the case of your sister, I am guessing she felt shut down especially as I am sure dealing with her abusive boyfriend is rather paramount in her life. I have worked in domestic violence and it is a tough cycle and hard to know how to support someone who is in it. The thing is abusive men will try and isolate their partners from any and all support because that makes it much harder to leave...because to leave an abusive relationship takes a lot of support from loved ones. So in your sisters case, being shut down may have made her feel isolated from you.... and the fact is abusive relationships by definitiion have huge boundary issues.... so your setting that boundary probably made her very uncomfortable. I can also see where hearing details of the problems with the boyfriend is very anxiety producing for you... in a way it forces you to live her trauma and that is the last thing you need.</p><p></p><p>Is there a way to modify the boundary so she can talk to you but not provide details?</p><p></p><p>In the end though you do need to use and set boundaries to help yourself....but we have no control over how others will react to those boundaries.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 667163, member: 15801"] Ok here are some of my thoughts. I totally agree setting boundaries is about what is good for you and what you need. The thing is though is the other person may have a reaction to that boundary which you might not intend but will happen anywaay... and sometimes, but definitely not always, it is important to consider that. I know for me if I am told a topic is off limits then I feel shut down, especially if it is one that is important to me.... so in a sense I do feel kind of infringed upon. Although I certainly get that sometimes a subject is too painful or hard for the other person to talk about and they certainly have a right to set that boundary. Sometimes it is very important to do this.... years ago I finally told me sister in law and brother in law to stop telling me the crazy, stupid, hurtful but so ridiculous they were funny things my mother in law said about me. They have totally respected my request and my relationship with my mother in law is better for it. I am sure at times she still says terrible things about me but now I dont know it and I am better off. In the case of your sister, I am guessing she felt shut down especially as I am sure dealing with her abusive boyfriend is rather paramount in her life. I have worked in domestic violence and it is a tough cycle and hard to know how to support someone who is in it. The thing is abusive men will try and isolate their partners from any and all support because that makes it much harder to leave...because to leave an abusive relationship takes a lot of support from loved ones. So in your sisters case, being shut down may have made her feel isolated from you.... and the fact is abusive relationships by definitiion have huge boundary issues.... so your setting that boundary probably made her very uncomfortable. I can also see where hearing details of the problems with the boyfriend is very anxiety producing for you... in a way it forces you to live her trauma and that is the last thing you need. Is there a way to modify the boundary so she can talk to you but not provide details? In the end though you do need to use and set boundaries to help yourself....but we have no control over how others will react to those boundaries. [/QUOTE]
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