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Family of Origin
Boundaries...Please read Copa and Cedar...please answer. Thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 667185" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I will post the actual letters in private, but please read them. I was not an angel. I did not listen to her all the time. In fact, I have a horrible habit of interrupting people that everyone points out. I tried to analyze it and decided it came from my uber-racing thoughts. So that bugged her. I understand that. </p><p></p><p>The thing is, I would quiet if she asked me too and that's throwing hayseed on the issue. I needed to talk to my brother or sister about how my mom threw me in the trash from my point of view. I am quite sure they both heard her point of view. The disinheritance didn't bother either of them. Neither even said, "Im sorry she did that to you." None of them were there either when me and my mom had horrible exchanges. I needed my siblings to listen to me, but they wouldn't.</p><p></p><p>And they silenced me.</p><p></p><p>I did not silence her about boyfriend because of that though. It wasn't payback. It was the love of a sister finally unable to hear the abuse of thi s boyfriend and sister's constant pattern of staying iwth him in spite of it over and over again. It drove me nuts and upset me at th e same time. </p><p></p><p>My sister says that she has problems because she grew up with a borderline sister. How silly. You don't diagnose a ten year old with borderline. She was a mess because our parents made us that way and did not control us or stop us from being mean to one another or teach us that family was important. Yes, I teased her. Yes, mother heard. But do you think she's actually do anything about it? No. After all, it's hard to discipline a c hild, especially a child who may have a tantrum. God knows how I did it with Sonic, but SHE didn't want to boher. And even though she loved GC with a sickness of almost too much adoration, I believe, she never stopped Sis from telling her to " get him out of here. He's gross a nd ugly." Never. So those are on mother. </p><p></p><p>I have read my sister's board about borderlines, excluding my sister's posts, and nobody else there says only a sibling is borderline. They say mother/sibling or several people. One borderline doesn't pop out of nowhere. It's about the parents and how sick THEY were. She is the only one who won't say what our mother was because she can't. If, for the sake of argument, I am a borderline, it is because of the mother. She also NEVER takes the blame for bad behavior. She called her cut offs for years as "attempts to ignore." She ran. She is a runner. Unless it's abusive boyfriend. Then she stays.</p><p></p><p>Weird.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow on boundaries, I am going to make boundaries that are good for me. If the other person wants to whine and stamp their feet and say I am muzzling them or "manipulating" them (I fail to see how this was manipultion), then so be it. We won't talk</p><p></p><p>I am truly dedicated to serenity the rest of my life. Frankly, if one of my kids was in an abusive relationship and wanted to talk about it 70% of the time a nd didn't leave the person for four, five years, I would set another boundary: "Look, I love you very much and it hurts me to hear you talking about what he does to you. I agree th at it's wrong, but I can't stop him nor can you. If you are going to keep going back to him, then I am going to give you the phone number of a Domestic Abuse Shelter and you can discuss it with them. It's too hard for me to listen and nothing ever changes. I hope one day you will tell me that you have left him for good. Until then, that conversation must be addressed elsewhere, to people it will not hurt so much."</p><p></p><p>I could deal with it even less if it were my child. Three years????</p><p></p><p>I put in my time.</p><p></p><p>Ok, thanks for the feedback. Fodder for thought.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 667185, member: 1550"] I will post the actual letters in private, but please read them. I was not an angel. I did not listen to her all the time. In fact, I have a horrible habit of interrupting people that everyone points out. I tried to analyze it and decided it came from my uber-racing thoughts. So that bugged her. I understand that. The thing is, I would quiet if she asked me too and that's throwing hayseed on the issue. I needed to talk to my brother or sister about how my mom threw me in the trash from my point of view. I am quite sure they both heard her point of view. The disinheritance didn't bother either of them. Neither even said, "Im sorry she did that to you." None of them were there either when me and my mom had horrible exchanges. I needed my siblings to listen to me, but they wouldn't. And they silenced me. I did not silence her about boyfriend because of that though. It wasn't payback. It was the love of a sister finally unable to hear the abuse of thi s boyfriend and sister's constant pattern of staying iwth him in spite of it over and over again. It drove me nuts and upset me at th e same time. My sister says that she has problems because she grew up with a borderline sister. How silly. You don't diagnose a ten year old with borderline. She was a mess because our parents made us that way and did not control us or stop us from being mean to one another or teach us that family was important. Yes, I teased her. Yes, mother heard. But do you think she's actually do anything about it? No. After all, it's hard to discipline a c hild, especially a child who may have a tantrum. God knows how I did it with Sonic, but SHE didn't want to boher. And even though she loved GC with a sickness of almost too much adoration, I believe, she never stopped Sis from telling her to " get him out of here. He's gross a nd ugly." Never. So those are on mother. I have read my sister's board about borderlines, excluding my sister's posts, and nobody else there says only a sibling is borderline. They say mother/sibling or several people. One borderline doesn't pop out of nowhere. It's about the parents and how sick THEY were. She is the only one who won't say what our mother was because she can't. If, for the sake of argument, I am a borderline, it is because of the mother. She also NEVER takes the blame for bad behavior. She called her cut offs for years as "attempts to ignore." She ran. She is a runner. Unless it's abusive boyfriend. Then she stays. Weird. Anyhow on boundaries, I am going to make boundaries that are good for me. If the other person wants to whine and stamp their feet and say I am muzzling them or "manipulating" them (I fail to see how this was manipultion), then so be it. We won't talk I am truly dedicated to serenity the rest of my life. Frankly, if one of my kids was in an abusive relationship and wanted to talk about it 70% of the time a nd didn't leave the person for four, five years, I would set another boundary: "Look, I love you very much and it hurts me to hear you talking about what he does to you. I agree th at it's wrong, but I can't stop him nor can you. If you are going to keep going back to him, then I am going to give you the phone number of a Domestic Abuse Shelter and you can discuss it with them. It's too hard for me to listen and nothing ever changes. I hope one day you will tell me that you have left him for good. Until then, that conversation must be addressed elsewhere, to people it will not hurt so much." I could deal with it even less if it were my child. Three years???? I put in my time. Ok, thanks for the feedback. Fodder for thought. [/QUOTE]
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