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Family of Origin
Boundaries...Please read Copa and Cedar...please answer. Thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 667228" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I do not know how I missed this thread. I am sorry.</p><p>Like others, I feel that a boundary is for you, and has to be defined by you. Nobody else gets a right to define it for you. </p><p></p><p>Like TL said, they can respond in a way you do not like. This is what happened to you and your sister. She put a boundary. You responded. She did not like it.</p><p> Me, too. M hates it. But he does it too.</p><p>I agree with the first part, not the second. I think negotiation is possible, and actually the best thing for a relationship. M puts up boundaries all of the time. Like, I will not sleep with you and the cat. </p><p></p><p>I can say back, I will not sleep with you without the cat. Except I don't. I prefer him to the cat. So, our relationship is strengthened. I know I will not leave M for the cat.</p><p>M wanted us to give up Romy. While I could not actually say to him that this was a boundary. He knew I could not bear it. Romy will stay. I knew M accepted Romy, for me. That strengthens a relationship. Because you know that it cost somebody to keep engaged with you. </p><p></p><p>Your sister, Serenity wanted all of the power. She wanted you to do all of the sacrificing and accepting of limits she imposed. She wanted to hurt you at will. And she wanted you to just stay in the ring and accept her punches. And not leave. She was willing to do nothing to change. </p><p>You get to decide that. I get to, too. Everybody does. When there is real love and respect and the capacity to change there are both boundaries and there is flexibility. It goes back and forth. One person says I cannot tolerate this. The other person, says I will change. The roles go back and forth. Not one single person does all of the controlling or demanding. Not one person does all of the subordinating and changing. Whether you talk about the process or not, both people are flexible. Both people want the relationship. Both people are willing to invest sometimes in changing, in backing down, in taking responsibility to keep the relationship.</p><p></p><p>I see what is happening with my son in this light. Now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 667228, member: 18958"] I do not know how I missed this thread. I am sorry. Like others, I feel that a boundary is for you, and has to be defined by you. Nobody else gets a right to define it for you. Like TL said, they can respond in a way you do not like. This is what happened to you and your sister. She put a boundary. You responded. She did not like it. Me, too. M hates it. But he does it too. I agree with the first part, not the second. I think negotiation is possible, and actually the best thing for a relationship. M puts up boundaries all of the time. Like, I will not sleep with you and the cat. I can say back, I will not sleep with you without the cat. Except I don't. I prefer him to the cat. So, our relationship is strengthened. I know I will not leave M for the cat. M wanted us to give up Romy. While I could not actually say to him that this was a boundary. He knew I could not bear it. Romy will stay. I knew M accepted Romy, for me. That strengthens a relationship. Because you know that it cost somebody to keep engaged with you. Your sister, Serenity wanted all of the power. She wanted you to do all of the sacrificing and accepting of limits she imposed. She wanted to hurt you at will. And she wanted you to just stay in the ring and accept her punches. And not leave. She was willing to do nothing to change. You get to decide that. I get to, too. Everybody does. When there is real love and respect and the capacity to change there are both boundaries and there is flexibility. It goes back and forth. One person says I cannot tolerate this. The other person, says I will change. The roles go back and forth. Not one single person does all of the controlling or demanding. Not one person does all of the subordinating and changing. Whether you talk about the process or not, both people are flexible. Both people want the relationship. Both people are willing to invest sometimes in changing, in backing down, in taking responsibility to keep the relationship. I see what is happening with my son in this light. Now. [/QUOTE]
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Boundaries...Please read Copa and Cedar...please answer. Thanks.
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