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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 669127" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Hi Devestated,</p><p></p><p>I totally understand how you feel. I have been there too. Currently my son, age 23 has just been through rehab (for the millionth time) but this time he did well because he made the choice to be there. Our relationship over the years has at times been pretty difficult... and he has stolen from us, treated us badly etc... and was very manipulative. So currently our relationship is doing much better and I am feeling hopeful for the future. </p><p></p><p>So here are my thoughts on how you have some kind of relationship with him? It is almost impossible to have any kind of real relationship with someone who is using drugs. If they are actively using then the most important relationship to them is thier relationship with the drug....in no way is a relationship with you any kind of priority. There is literally nothing you can do about that. I think what is important in this stage is to have some very clear boundaries about what you will and will not do and stick with them no matter how manipulative or abusive he gets.</p><p></p><p>I also think it is helpful in the long term to keep letting them know you love them. That doesnt mean giving them money or letting them come home.... keep your boundaries but you can tell them you love them.... you can stay in touch and I think you can let them know that when they want help you will help them get help.... whatever that means.</p><p></p><p>And then it is letting them figure out for themselves what they need to do... it can be horribly difficult watching them make bad choices and doing things that are self destructive but you have no control over that.</p><p></p><p>I suggest you find a live support group with other parents.... I think there are way more of us parents dealing with this kind of situation that people think... cause this is hard stuff to admit and to talk about.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 669127, member: 15801"] Hi Devestated, I totally understand how you feel. I have been there too. Currently my son, age 23 has just been through rehab (for the millionth time) but this time he did well because he made the choice to be there. Our relationship over the years has at times been pretty difficult... and he has stolen from us, treated us badly etc... and was very manipulative. So currently our relationship is doing much better and I am feeling hopeful for the future. So here are my thoughts on how you have some kind of relationship with him? It is almost impossible to have any kind of real relationship with someone who is using drugs. If they are actively using then the most important relationship to them is thier relationship with the drug....in no way is a relationship with you any kind of priority. There is literally nothing you can do about that. I think what is important in this stage is to have some very clear boundaries about what you will and will not do and stick with them no matter how manipulative or abusive he gets. I also think it is helpful in the long term to keep letting them know you love them. That doesnt mean giving them money or letting them come home.... keep your boundaries but you can tell them you love them.... you can stay in touch and I think you can let them know that when they want help you will help them get help.... whatever that means. And then it is letting them figure out for themselves what they need to do... it can be horribly difficult watching them make bad choices and doing things that are self destructive but you have no control over that. I suggest you find a live support group with other parents.... I think there are way more of us parents dealing with this kind of situation that people think... cause this is hard stuff to admit and to talk about. [/QUOTE]
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