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Family of Origin
Brother (in spirit) has shut me out
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 744172" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>BBB, I'm so sorry. Losing a life-long friend is devastating. And it sounds like his reaction is unfair. I can understand needing a break if you have leaned on him through a lot of drama recently. I can even understand, perhaps in cases where someone is returning to an abusive partner, saying "I don't agree with your decision, and I can't listen anymore to the drama around this situation - it is too painful for me to hear." But I am not hearing that your wife is abusive, only that there has been a lot of drama in your lives from the kids, which is neither your fault nor hers. And that you have been struggling with some very painful and difficult decisions around how much you yourself can be part of that drama. Our difficult kids can put a lot of strain on our relationships. This to me is a situation that requires support, not judgment and estrangement. It does sound more like he is "punishing" you for not doing what HE thinks you should do. And that's unfair. Only you know what is best for you in your relationship with your wife right now. A good friend understands that and supports your decision. This feels childish and manipulative. </p><p></p><p>I lost my oldest and best friend when I left my husband, because we were in a conservative church that did not allow divorce even in cases of abuse. She stuck with the church, and by extension my abusive ex, because the church elders told her to. I was devastated. (Though not surprised - I knew what the cost would be when I left my husband in the community I was part of. Coming out as gay would have had the same impact, but by the time that happened the cords were all cut anyway.) It hurts when you see that someone you thought of as a true friend is in reality only a conditional friend, with the condition being that you do what THEY think is right for you. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you are looking at this with clear eyes. But this is a real loss, and of course you are going to mourn. It hurts. </p><p></p><p>I wish you and your wife a lot of luck, and I hope everything works out for you. The stress these kids put on us can really take a toll. </p><p></p><p>(On a side note, I had to say - I did not realize you were a woman! I thought I was the only lesbian in the room...)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 744172, member: 23349"] BBB, I'm so sorry. Losing a life-long friend is devastating. And it sounds like his reaction is unfair. I can understand needing a break if you have leaned on him through a lot of drama recently. I can even understand, perhaps in cases where someone is returning to an abusive partner, saying "I don't agree with your decision, and I can't listen anymore to the drama around this situation - it is too painful for me to hear." But I am not hearing that your wife is abusive, only that there has been a lot of drama in your lives from the kids, which is neither your fault nor hers. And that you have been struggling with some very painful and difficult decisions around how much you yourself can be part of that drama. Our difficult kids can put a lot of strain on our relationships. This to me is a situation that requires support, not judgment and estrangement. It does sound more like he is "punishing" you for not doing what HE thinks you should do. And that's unfair. Only you know what is best for you in your relationship with your wife right now. A good friend understands that and supports your decision. This feels childish and manipulative. I lost my oldest and best friend when I left my husband, because we were in a conservative church that did not allow divorce even in cases of abuse. She stuck with the church, and by extension my abusive ex, because the church elders told her to. I was devastated. (Though not surprised - I knew what the cost would be when I left my husband in the community I was part of. Coming out as gay would have had the same impact, but by the time that happened the cords were all cut anyway.) It hurts when you see that someone you thought of as a true friend is in reality only a conditional friend, with the condition being that you do what THEY think is right for you. It sounds like you are looking at this with clear eyes. But this is a real loss, and of course you are going to mourn. It hurts. I wish you and your wife a lot of luck, and I hope everything works out for you. The stress these kids put on us can really take a toll. (On a side note, I had to say - I did not realize you were a woman! I thought I was the only lesbian in the room...) [/QUOTE]
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